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Thread: Naruto Fanfiction: The eye's of the other

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    Junior Member Sasuke_Kunai will become famous soon enough Sasuke_Kunai's Avatar
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    Default Naruto Fanfiction: The eye's of the other

    Preview: (Its a story that maybe not be in balance whit the treu story line)

    '' Silly Sasuke, Why do you try to make it worse!?'', Itachi said.
    Sasuke Try,s to stand on his feet but he cant.
    '' If there is one man i want to kill..Its you Itachi!''.
    Sasuke Pulled a Kunai out of his Pocket, '' Its time to end this brother!!''.
    Sasuke Attack's Itachi, '' If that is what you want'', Itachi picks up the sword of Sasuke, '' Than who am i to not try and kill you?''.

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    Last edited by Sasuke_Kunai; 02-04-2008 at 09:04 AM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
    Gil
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sasuke_Kunai View Post
    Preview: (Its a story that maybe not be in balance whit the treu story line)

    '' Silly Sasuke, Why do you try to make it worse!?'', Itachi said.
    Sasuke Try,s to stand on his feet but he cant.
    '' If there is one man i want to kill..Its you Itachi!''.
    Sasuke Pulled a Kunai out of his Pocket, '' Its time to end this brother!!''.
    Sasuke Attack's Itachi, '' If that is what you want'', Itachi picks up the sword of Sasuke, '' Than who am i to not try and kill you?''.

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    Hmm, you have lots to work on in terms of your spelling, punctuation and grammar. I'm not going to correct this line-by-line but rather just reorganize, rephrase and spell everything right so that you have an idea of how sentences and prose should be structured.

    "Silly Sasuke, why do you try to make it worse?", Itachi taunted.
    Sasuke tried to stand up, but fumbled.
    "If there is one man I want to kill, it's you, Itachi." The fallen young Uchiha spoke through gritted teeth. Slowly, he reached for his pocket to draw a last hidden kunai. As he held it tight, Sasuke gathered all the strength he had to stand - to proudly face him.

    ''Its time to end this brother!!''. Sasuke dashed head-on in a full-force attack.
    Itachi smirked and in a calm swipe, picked up Sasuke's sword, ''If that is what you want... I'll fulfill it with pleasure....".

    There are a number of mistakes you have made with the preview including wrong word choices and incoherent imagery. All of which takes practice and reading to perfect. If you have any questions about the corrections I've posted let me know and I'll reply. Sorry for a short revie but I have to sleep now. Good night and good luck with this one.
    Last edited by Hypergraphian; 02-04-2008 at 01:20 PM.

    ~*Why don't they get tired, Because they're fools, Don't fools get tired, How can fools get tired?*~ www.hypergraphiansmuse.blogspot.com
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    Junior Member Sasuke_Kunai will become famous soon enough Sasuke_Kunai's Avatar
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    well im not from amerika, im from europe, thats why i cant spell it right, Im trying so hard, Thats my reason, But im learning, But thanks for the tips

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    Please read the fanfiction rules before posting a thread. I've corrected the title accordingly.

    I await your full story.
    Sig by -Ookami-, thank you Ookami!

    Elder Scrolls Oblivion: A Tale Retold

    http://www.animeforum.com/showthread.php?t=94454

  5. #5
    Senior Member JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46 has a reputation beyond repute JJ46's Avatar
    Gil
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sasuke_Kunai View Post
    Preview: (Its a story that maybe not be in balance whit the treu story line)

    '' Silly Sasuke, Why do you try to make it worse!?'', Itachi said.
    Sasuke Try,s to stand on his feet but he cant.
    '' If there is one man i want to kill..Its you Itachi!''.
    Sasuke Pulled a Kunai out of his Pocket, '' Its time to end this brother!!''.
    Sasuke Attack's Itachi, '' If that is what you want'', Itachi picks up the sword of Sasuke, '' Than who am i to not try and kill you?''.

    Pleas leave some Response
    I agree with Hypergraphian there is a lack of imagery, but don't get too bogged down with descriptions as they slow down the pace. Sometimes suggestive descriptions of setting and actions help as well, for example:

    "Silly Sasuke, why do you try to make everything worse?"
    Sasuke pants, sweat sliding from his temple as he tries to get to his feet on shaky legs,
    "If there's one man I've been dieing to kill, it's you Itachi!" he cries out, falling to his feet. He pulls out a kunai from his bag. Itachi sneers in amusement...
    etc etc...

    Well, you get the idea, that's just my opinion (not as good as the first example you got I guess... )


    And I'm European as well, but that has nothing to do with it! Punctuation, grammer, spelling, imagery, style, whatever is not based on nationality. I think you mean that English is not your first language. In that case than it's a fairly good attempt! It's a little short but I look forard to reading your complete story!

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    Junior Member Sasuke_Kunai will become famous soon enough Sasuke_Kunai's Avatar
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    Episode 1 Black ravens everywhere.

    "Itachi!!'' Sasuke screams, he runs by a couple of death tree,s.
    '' If you are here, then show yourself!'', Sasuke looks at the tree,s.
    He graps his sword and warns Itachi again,"I know whats happening to you! Let me kill you and end your blindness!'', the bushes shake.
    Sasuke smile,s."Then you are here!'' Sasuke graps a kunai.
    "Then you know you can not kill me", suddenly a Shurikan falls before Sasuke.
    a hurt man apears, Sasuke,s eye,s grow big,"Itachi!!".
    ''You thought i was weak and scared?'', Itachi taunted.
    ''Well im just wounded from the fight before''. Sasuke throws his kunai to Itachi but misses, '' I see you haven,t grown at al! still weak and foolish''.
    Sasuke,s head turns black, his curse comes out.
    '' You are gonna die here Itachi!'' Sasuke runs into Itachi and slashes whit his sword, "you can,t hit me Sasuke!,you are to foolish!''.
    Sasuke keeps slashing and slashing,"I didn,t ask you to speak Bastard!''
    Sasuke screams, "You Bastard!! DIE DIE!!'', Sasuke pounds the head of Itachi. Itachi falls on his knew,s "If you want to end it you must end it now!''.
    Sasuke looks in the eye,s of Itachi " I blocked your genjutsu!,But who was the enemy of your last fight!?'' Itachi smile,s '' It was..Naruto Uzumaki!"
    '' WHAT!! if youre alive that means that Naruto is dead!".
    Itachi laughs, ''Why do you care? you did leave him!'' Itachi said.
    ''Shut up!!'' Sasuke Kicks on Itachi,s Head, ''I dind't asked you anything!''
    Itachi smiles again, '' You are so stupid! No wonder you are weak!''.
    Sasuke looks at Itachi, ''Is naruto still alive!?'' Sasuke ask's.
    '' Maybe!'', Sasuke graps Itachi by his neck and hits him in his tummy.
    Itachi falls on his knew,s '' Naruto isn't Dead alright!?''.
    Sasuke laughs, ''HAHAHA!! you are so stupid Itachi!You know im gonna end this right away!''
    Sasuke get's his kunai in Both hands and attacks Itachi, '' Who do you think you are!?'' Itachi screams, '' Time for you to die!!'', Both Uchiha,s Head up in a full force attack.
    '' CHIDORI!!'' Sasuke screams, '' BLACK RAVEN FURY!!'' Itachi screams.


    To be contineud
    Last edited by Sasuke_Kunai; 02-10-2008 at 05:13 AM.

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