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Thread: Original Fiction: Magic Magic

  1. #1
    Senior Member The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale's Avatar
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    Gamertag: Karawr831 PSN ID: Karawr831 XFIRE ID: midnightdreams Steam ID: karawr831

    Unhappy Original Fiction: Magic Magic

    This is my partly finished short story.

    Im just a beginner at writing so please not to harsh

    Here it is....



    Magic Magic
    Kara Marston

    Have you ever had a song stuck in your head all day and could never get rid of it? Yeah, It get’s pretty annoying after awhile, Especially if it’s a song from one of those musicals. Like Annie, Yeah the song is ‘It’s A Hard Knock Life.’ I have been humming it all day, Oh! I almost forgot! My name is Kiya Mccormick, I live in a Loft in downtown New York, with my dog Momo, I work in a cute little coffee shop a few blocks over, Sure I sound like your typical New Yorker Girl, But I forgot the mention one thing...I’m a Witch. Yes a WITCH. Also I’m Half Fairy, So I have Fairy form too.Yeah I know your all going to say “Well Wicthes and Fairy’s Don’t Exsist!” Well that’s where you are wrong my friend, You see, There is a whole magical society, Right beneath your noses. There are Witches, Warlocks, Wizards, Dragons, Gnomes, Fairies and about every other magical creature you could think about. Of course, Many of them Live in quiet places, that’s “As one with nature” as they say, Well I’m isn’t exactly like other witches, Where upon other witches learn to control their magic by the age of 15, I have yet to master it, and Im 22. Yah I know, embarrassing right? well anyway I’m no ear to jabber on. I want to tell you the story of how I learned to control the my Magic, The good and the bad. It all started 2 months ago...

    “Kiya Mccormick, Your are late again!” I silently swore under my breath, I had hoped the boss wouldn’t notice me coming in late, Of course with my luck, I shouldn’t be surprised. I sighed and took of my Jacket and put on my apron. “Sorry boss, It won’t happen again, I promise!” The Boss stared at me “Pft, that’s what you said LAST time and the time before that...” He continued to rattle on about god know what. I just stared and nodded every once in awhile so it looked like I was listening. Thankfully he was interrupted by his cellphone a few minutes later. “I’m going to take this, Kiya you take the counter and Please for the love of god do not spill anything on people!” I nodded and walked towards the counter. But Draco beat me there. He smirked “Sorry Kiya, But the boss promised me I get the counter today, so that means you can walk around and deliver people’s food and coffee.” I glared at him Of course Draco get’s the easy job I thought as I picked up a tray full of coffee mugs, and proceeded to deliver them. “Oi, Kiya!” I froze That voice sounded familiar... I spun around to face who ever it was talking to me. “OH MY GOD LUCAS?!?!” I nearly dropped my tray of mugs right then. My brother smirked at me and grabbed the tray before I could drop them. “Hey Lil sis.” He set down the tray and gave me a bear hug. “What are you doing here? I haven't seen you for 3 years!” His smile faltered a bit, I frowned, “What’s Up Lucas?” He pulled something white out of his jacket pocket, It was a envelope with the name Kiya Mccormick clearly written on the front. “Uhm...what is that Lucas?”
    He handed me the envelope “I came bringing this letter to you from the Asrai Counsel. I stood staring at the Envelope. “Icefly...” Lucas murmured, using my Fairy given name. I opened the letter with trembling hands and slowly read it. My stared at the letter for a few moments, not believing what i read, my hands suddenly tightened on the letter. “What does it Say Kiya?” Asked Lucas, Looking at me with concern. “It says..It says If I do not learn to control my power’s by the end of the month, They will strip me of all my power’s and make me Human.” Lucas gasped and I looked down, So they finally fund away to get rid of me. The Council has hated my family for a long time, I was always a outcast among the Fairies and Witches, because I am half of both,Fairies and Witches although they don’t hate each other, they don't like each other that much either, It was frowned upon when Lucas and I were born seeing as we were half fairy and half witch. Well I’ll show them. I thought as I put the letter away...I’ll sure show them...
    “Hey Kiya! I’m here.” heard my brother yell from my front door. He was going to help me with my magic training. I hurried over and let him in. “OK, are you read for this Kiya? It’s gonna be a very long month. I’m going to push you...YAH!” I watched a he pumped his fist up in the air and with a big grin on his face. I smiled “Remind me again, how am I related to you? He smiled “Twins are often very different, sis.” I snorted “Your like the day and I’m like the night.” He nodded .”Ok let’s get started” I watched as he started to pull random things out of his bag. He sat a apple, ,a box of cereal, some milk and a glass cup, some apple juice, a bowl and some spoons. “Uhm..Lucas, what re those for?” He just smiled. “Now, Little Kiya, I want you to use your magic and set the table!” I rolled my eyes. “Fine, but that’s easy!” I pointed my finger at the bowl, then directed it to the table. It set down, I smiled satisfied, “Now pour the cereal.” I pointed my finger now at the Cereal box and make it go to the table. I wave my hand to make it dump one cereal. I guess s that’s where I messed up. Maybe I waved my hand to hard or fast, but the next thing I knew the cereal was flying everywhere around the room. “KIYA, STOP IT.” Lucas cried as he got pelted with little cocoa puffs.
    “Oh My God I’m sorry Lucas!” I quickly waved my hand again at the cereal. Bad Idea, All the cereal halted then came hurtling at me. I screamed and ducked. No good they turned around and came at me again. Finally Lucas, Waved his hand at the cereal and sent it to the bowl. He sighed “this is going to be harder then i Thought...” I smiled weakly...
    ”Sorry Lucas.. I lost control.”
    “Yes well let’s try again shall we?”
    “Bu..Again!??”
    “Yes Again Kiya, We need to try harder.”
    “ Fine” I grumbled and I pointed to the Milk. But the milk case burst and milk went everywhere. Lucas sighed “Let’s Start with something, Not messy...”




    "Kiya! Are you paying attention?" I groaned in response. "Kiya We are never gonna get this done if you sleep!" I opened my eyes to bright sunlight pouring through my windows. We were in my Loft practicing more magic. I was deathly bored too. "Can't we do something else today?" I complained as I sat up. Lucas shook his head. "Kiya, do you, or dont you want to keep your magic?" I sighed, of course I did, I would be nothing but a plain old boring human without them! I stared at him. "Yes Lucas. I'm sorry let's try again!" I smiled a bright sunny smile and turned towards the clothes I was suppose to be changing. I flicked my hand and imagined what I wanted the clothes to look like. "Keep imagining Kiya, you ca do it!" Lucas encourgaged me from the other side of the room out of range incase I did something wrong..Again. I can do this! I thought to myself and I imagined with allmy might. "Kiya! Look!" I opened my eyes and gasped. Not only had the clothes changed but my whole loft had changed into some fashionble overpriced looking condo. "Holy **** Kiya! I cant even do that! How'd you do it?" I shook my head "I dunno!" I looked around in awe. Luca came up behind me and poked me "Well this makes things a bit easier!" I grinned.


    "That's it Kiya! You almost got it!" I grinned and continued to concentrate, aware that Lucas and his bestfriend Derek were watching me. Lucas had asked Derek to help me train (Derek was a Warlock)

    "For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." - Judy Garland

    Archmage Evelyn Nightingale, Guardian of the North, at your service.

    Formally known as Vanilla Kiss.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
    Gil
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    Ok, will come round tomorrow and give it a detailed critique. But after reading your first paragraph, I've already noted that you need to iron out some spelling errors and grammar ones too.

    On your notes for harsh comments, I will try to be reserved with them. But, I will leave you and all who wish to write for any reason, a few words of advice. Criticism, harsh or gentle should always be viewed positively. Just because someone will (and yes, I don't mean might, I mean will) say that your story sucks, it doesn't mean that you're completely hopeless. It means that there are things you need to improve on. Simply find out your mistakes and fix them.

    If anyone leaves you with harsh comments that you do not wish to follow or don't think are right, then don't heed them. You are the ultimate master of your own story and whether you choose to accept that feedback or not is entirely up to you.

    I'll end it here for now but will come back later with a full review in an edited post. But I just thought you should know that its important to take criticism the right way and to always be prepared to accept that no story is perfect and not everyone will like what you write. For example, there are people who think Harry Potter sucks. So be more confident and my congratulations to you and your bravery in posting your work. That's a good first step.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    As promised, here's the full review and no, it won't be pretty.

    Quote Originally Posted by twilightdreams View Post

    Have you ever had a song stuck in your head all day and could never get rid of it? Yeah, It get’s pretty annoying after awhile, Especially if it’s a song from one of those musicals. Like Annie, Yeah the song is ‘It’s A Hard Knock Life.’ I have been humming it all day, Oh! I almost forgot!
    Watch your punctuation and use of capitals in the wrong places. It gets pretty disruptive to readers as they have to read it twice to understand what expression you were trying to make. Furthermore, in a flow of conciousness piece like this, it is important to get your punctuation correct so that people know what your emotions were while you were thinking these things. To correct the above :-

    1) Yeah, it gets...
    2) one of those musicals, like Annie. Yeah.....
    3) I have been humming it all day. Oh, I almost forgot!

    Quote Originally Posted by twilightdreams View Post
    My name is Kiya Mccormick, I live in a Loft in downtown New York, with my dog Momo, I work in a cute little coffee shop a few blocks over, Sure I sound like your typical New Yorker Girl, But I forgot the mention one thing...I’m a Witch. Yes a WITCH.
    At this point, it becomes evident that you have cultivated a bad habit of beginning with capitals after commas. Cut that. As for "WITCH", all caps tend to representing shouting, not emphasis. Suggest use of W-I-T-C-H, to denote spelling and emphasis.

    Quote Originally Posted by twilightdreams View Post
    Also I’m Half Fairy, So I have Fairy form too.Yeah I know your all going to say “Well Wicthes and Fairy’s Don’t Exsist!” Well that’s where you are wrong my friend, You see, There is a whole magical society, Right beneath your noses. There are Witches, Warlocks, Wizards, Dragons, Gnomes, Fairies and about every other magical creature you could think about.
    Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. Also, spelling error. "I know you are" or "I know you're"... not your.

    Quote Originally Posted by twilightdreams View Post
    Of course, Many of them Live in quiet places, that’s “As one with nature” as they say, Well I’m isn’t exactly like other witches,
    "Well I'm not exactly...." instead of using "isn't".

    Quote Originally Posted by twilightdreams View Post
    Where upon other witches learn to control their magic by the age of 15,
    Suggest to rephrase and substitute with "Compared to other" instead.

    Quote Originally Posted by twilightdreams View Post
    I have yet to master it, and Im 22. Yah I know, embarrassing right? well anyway I’m no ear to jabber on.
    Don't know if this is a type of slang phrase. But whether it is or not, to me I have no idea what you're trying to say. I suggest you rephrase with more suitable imagery.

    Quote Originally Posted by twilightdreams View Post
    I want to tell you the story of how I learned to control the my Magic, The good and the bad. It all started 2 months ago...

    “Kiya Mccormick, Your are late again!” I silently swore under my breath, I had hoped the boss wouldn’t notice me coming in late, Of course with my luck, I shouldn’t be surprised. I sighed and took of my Jacket and put on my apron. “Sorry boss, It won’t happen again, I promise!” The Boss stared at me “Pft, that’s what you said LAST time and the time before that...” He continued to rattle on about god know what.
    Spelling errors

    1) took off
    2) God knows what

    Quote Originally Posted by twilightdreams View Post
    I just stared and nodded every once in awhile so it looked like I was listening. Thankfully he was interrupted by his cellphone a few minutes later. “I’m going to take this, Kiya you take the counter and Please for the love of god do not spill anything on people!” I nodded and walked towards the counter. But Draco beat me there. He smirked “Sorry Kiya, But the boss promised me I get the counter today, so that means you can walk around and deliver people’s food and coffee.” I glared at him Of course Draco get’s the easy job I thought as I picked up a tray full of coffee mugs, and proceeded to deliver them. “Oi, Kiya!” I froze That voice sounded familiar... I spun around to face who ever it was talking to me. “OH MY GOD LUCAS?!?!” I nearly dropped my tray of mugs right then. My brother smirked at me and grabbed the tray before I could drop them. “Hey Lil sis.” He set down the tray and gave me a bear hug. “What are you doing here? I haven't seen you for 3 years!” His smile faltered a bit, I frowned, “What’s Up Lucas?” He pulled something white out of his jacket pocket, It was a envelope with the name Kiya Mccormick clearly written on the front. “Uhm...what is that Lucas?”

    He handed me the envelope “I came bringing this letter to you from the Asrai Counsel. I stood staring at the Envelope. “Icefly...” Lucas murmured, using my Fairy given name. I opened the letter with trembling hands and slowly read it. My stared at the letter for a few moments, not believing what i read, my hands suddenly tightened on the letter. “What does it Say Kiya?” Asked Lucas, Looking at me with concern. “It says..It says If I do not learn to control my power’s by the end of the month, They will strip me of all my power’s and make me Human.” Lucas gasped and I looked down, So they finally fund away to get rid of me. The Council has hated my family for a long time, I was always a outcast among the Fairies and Witches, because I am half of both,Fairies and Witches although they don’t hate each other, they don't like each other that much either, It was frowned upon when Lucas and I were born seeing as we were half fairy and half witch. Well I’ll show them. I thought as I put the letter away...I’ll sure show them...

    “Hey Kiya! I’m here.” heard my brother yell from my front door. He was going to help me with my magic training. I hurried over and let him in. “OK, are you read for this Kiya? It’s gonna be a very long month. I’m going to push you...YAH!” I watched a he pumped his fist up in the air and with a big grin on his face. I smiled “Remind me again, how am I related to you? He smiled “Twins are often very different, sis.” I snorted “Your like the day and I’m like the night.” He nodded .”Ok let’s get started” I watched as he started to pull random things out of his bag. He sat a apple, ,a box of cereal, some milk and a glass cup, some apple juice, a bowl and some spoons. “Uhm..Lucas, what re those for?” He just smiled. “Now, Little Kiya, I want you to use your magic and set the table!” I rolled my eyes. “Fine, but that’s easy!” I pointed my finger at the bowl, then directed it to the table. It set down, I smiled satisfied, “Now pour the cereal.” I pointed my finger now at the Cereal box and make it go to the table. I wave my hand to make it dump one cereal. I guess s that’s where I messed up. Maybe I waved my hand to hard or fast, but the next thing I knew the cereal was flying everywhere around the room. “KIYA, STOP IT.” Lucas cried as he got pelted with little cocoa puffs.

    “Oh My God I’m sorry Lucas!” I quickly waved my hand again at the cereal. Bad Idea, All the cereal halted then came hurtling at me. I screamed and ducked. No good they turned around and came at me again. Finally Lucas, Waved his hand at the cereal and sent it to the bowl. He sighed “this is going to be harder then i Thought...” I smiled weakly...

    ”Sorry Lucas.. I lost control.”

    “Yes well let’s try again shall we?”

    “Bu..Again!??”

    “Yes Again Kiya, We need to try harder.”

    “ Fine” I grumbled and I pointed to the Milk. But the milk case burst and milk went everywhere. Lucas sighed “Let’s Start with something, Not messy...”

    "Kiya! Are you paying attention?" I groaned in response. "Kiya We are never gonna get this done if you sleep!" I opened my eyes to bright sunlight pouring through my windows. We were in my Loft practicing more magic. I was deathly bored too. "Can't we do something else today?" I complained as I sat up. Lucas shook his head. "Kiya, do you, or dont you want to keep your magic?" I sighed, of course I did, I would be nothing but a plain old boring human without them! I stared at him. "Yes Lucas. I'm sorry let's try again!" I smiled a bright sunny smile and turned towards the clothes I was suppose to be changing. I flicked my hand and imagined what I wanted the clothes to look like. "Keep imagining Kiya, you ca do it!" Lucas encourgaged me from the other side of the room out of range incase I did something wrong..Again. I can do this! I thought to myself and I imagined with allmy might. "Kiya! Look!" I opened my eyes and gasped. Not only had the clothes changed but my whole loft had changed into some fashionble overpriced looking condo. "Holy **** Kiya! I cant even do that! How'd you do it?" I shook my head "I dunno!" I looked around in awe. Luca came up behind me and poked me "Well this makes things a bit easier!" I grinned.

    "That's it Kiya! You almost got it!" I grinned and continued to concentrate, aware that Lucas and his bestfriend Derek were watching me. Lucas had asked Derek to help me train (Derek was a Warlock)
    I haven't highlighted the other parts but you do need to work on spelling, grammar and punctuation throughout. There are simply far too many to comment on. Hence my advice to you is to make sure you run through those little red/green squiggly marks from your Microsoft Word processor and pay them thorough attention.

    Now for general comments on your story concept and plotline. I find that you have an averagely exciting idea, especially with the combination of Half Fairy and Half Witch bloodlines. You progressed your plot towards the training but it seemed the training itself wasn't too interesting comprising only of simple wave of hands. Instead, I would have liked to see you put in more imagination and have the Asrai Counsel send your character on a quest of sorts. If she fulfills the requirements, she gets to keep her powers, that sort of thing. Perhaps that would've been a real good hook as readers will want to find out what will eventually happen next. I wouldn't give you a bright picture by saying you have an entirely interesting concept here, since the fairy folk stories have been done to death. Which is why you have to spend more time on developing a hook and an original one.

    In short, you REALLY (and I meant that shouting expression) need to work on ridding yourself of that bad habit to capitalize after every comma and stop using commas to represent full stops.

    On a final note, keep working on your skills. It seems you do have rather good imagination but your technical skills need improvement, which can only come from more practice and reading. Plus, your response to this review will determine whether or not I will read your next works. Failing to respond or failing to show your interest in improvement will mean that your other works can be disregarded. Pardon my harshness, but it is much more enjoyable and definitely less time wasting to review for those who wish to improve.
    Last edited by Hypergraphian; 01-27-2008 at 01:48 AM.

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  3. #3
    Senior Member The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale has a reputation beyond repute The Nightingale's Avatar
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    Thank you Hypergraphian. I shall keep this in mind. I am currently working on a remake with your advice. Thanks Again!

    "For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." - Judy Garland

    Archmage Evelyn Nightingale, Guardian of the North, at your service.

    Formally known as Vanilla Kiss.

  4. #4
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    ....hypergraphian you have no life. o.o

    I found the story had a very tired out premise that I feel should be shot and buried already. Short verson: I didn't like it.


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  5. #5
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    Why was the premise old and tired?

    You have to state WHY you feel that way, WHY thats your opinion
    making emo kids[/URL] cry since 1998


  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Capernicus View Post
    ....hypergraphian you have no life. o.o

    I found the story had a very tired out premise that I feel should be shot and buried already. Short verson: I didn't like it.
    *Cough* <_<

    What she meant by "Very tired out premise" is that it's SERIOUSLY overdone. There's really not much to say.
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