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Thread: Original Fiction: Bane of Man - Day One

  1. #1
    boopaloop! Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: Bane of Man - Day One

    This is a day by day story. instead of posting one a day, I'm doing to do one a week. That way it won't be such a load. There will be spelling errors. Why? Because I'm writing this on my sidekick and I don't care enough right now. Just point out my errors wherever they may be and ill edit them out later hehe.




    Prologe

    It was an idea. Some say it was the greatest scientific improvement... Ever. Some say it's worse than abortion. Stem cell research. I never really believed most of the hooplah. Especially the President's crap on why he made it illegal. If it was supposedly so great, why hide it? Why pretend it was so unethical? People say wearing fur or eating veal is unethical... yet here we are! They were making great sucess in China, people were using organs to save lives. They were discussing all of this on the news when I started getting ready for work one morning...


    Day One

    'And the President couldn't be reached for commenting at this time.' The news reporter stated in the background, I had just gotten out of the shower and so far the only thing I had heard was something about China being angry at the US for with holding scientific knowledge. Over a thousand people in China have died and they're blaming the U.S. I rolled my eyes, countries were always blaming us for something. 'We have no food, it's all the U.S.A's fault."

    'China hasn't said what exactly was the cause of the epedemic, just that the deaths were linked with Stem Cell Research.' The woman droned on, never saying anything, but saying a whole hell of a lot. I shrugged as I finished getting ready and left for work. I doubted they'd even have an answer by the time I got back. Unfortunately for me... That was all people wanted to talk to me about today.

    "Hey dude! Did you watch the news this morning?!" Sigh... All I wanted was some damn coffee.
    "Yes Mike, I watch the news every morning."
    "Do you think its some conspiracy theory? Like China's only mad because like..." I started to zone him out. I couldn't listen to him on normal occasions, what should make today any different? I don't even know how that kid got a job here.
    "Okay, well I got my coffee. So I'm going to go into my office now..." I said making a beeline for the door. Before I could even make another step someone else started berating me. Why did they think I'd know anything? I ignored them and kept going. Shutting my office door and putting on some music, I zoned out the outside world.

    'Its the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine!"

  2. #2
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    Gil
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    Firstly, I appreciate your comment, but that isn't how I ask people to reply to things in my forums. Constructive comments, and comments explaining what you liked about a poem/story. Not comments saying you may or may not be interested in reading a story.

    I really think you need to read the rules, this is the second time I've had to discuss them with you.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
    Gil
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    Okay, no spelling comments, I promise. But here's my crack at this piece. You're welcome to accept or slam these comments back into my face. Though I would prefer if you were gentler on my latter invitation.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dorian Grey View Post
    Prologe

    It was an idea. Some say it was the greatest scientific improvement... Ever. Some say it's worse than abortion. Stem cell research. I never really believed most of the hooplah. Especially the President's crap on why he made it illegal. If it was supposedly so great, why hide it? Why pretend it was so unethical? People say wearing fur or eating veal is unethical... yet here we are! They were making great sucess in China, people were using organs to save lives. They were discussing all of this on the news when I started getting ready for work one morning...
    1) Ever - I feel this is a little unnecessary and shaves off the impact for the next follow-up.
    2) research - Maybe a comma or semicolon in between rather than a full stop for a pause. A complete halt is a little too disruptive here.
    3) yet here we are! - What does this refer to? To the fact that we, the human race has progressed irregardless of the sins we've committed? Or does it refer to the fact that veal and fur is still available irregardless of how much we humans consume or deplete? Perhaps rephrase or explain by adding to "Here we are, animal activists or no."
    4) They were making great success in China - Perhaps start a new paragraph. However, if this is the follow up to "Here we are!", then I suggest "yet, here we are; making great....."

    Quote Originally Posted by Dorian Grey View Post
    Day One

    'And the President couldn't be reached for commenting at this time.' The news reporter stated in the background, I had just gotten out of the shower and so far the only thing I had heard was something about China being angry at the US for with holding scientific knowledge. Over a thousand people in China have died and they're blaming the U.S. I rolled my eyes, countries were always blaming us for something. 'We have no food, it's all the U.S.A's fault."
    time.' The .. - Punctuation usage. After "the" it should be a comma followed by a fullstop at background. Otherwise the next sentence becomes too long.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dorian Grey View Post
    'China hasn't said what exactly was the cause of the epedemic, just that the deaths were linked with Stem Cell Research.' The woman droned on, never saying anything, but saying a whole hell of a lot. I shrugged as I finished getting ready and left for work. I doubted they'd even have an answer by the time I got back. Unfortunately for me... That was all people wanted to talk to me about today.
    The comma instead of, what's the word you use for "..." darn I forget. But yes, the comma fits better for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dorian Grey View Post
    "Hey dude! Did you watch the news this morning?!" Sigh... All I wanted was some damn coffee.
    "Yes Mike, I watch the news every morning."
    A little shocking with the sudden conversation and change of setting. Not saying that you need to go into telling us how she got to where she was but just add in a little extended line break instead of single line. Also, grammar "watched".

    Quote Originally Posted by Dorian Grey View Post
    "Do you think its some conspiracy theory? Like China's only mad because like..." I started to zone him out. I couldn't listen to him on normal occasions, what should make today any different? I don't even know how that kid got a job here.
    1) Zone him out - I'm not sure if this is a slang way of speaking or whether you meant to only single 'him' out but not everything else around you. But if its neither, then leave out the 'him'.
    2) I couldn't listen to him... - Couldn't or wouldn't? Is this something you can't do or won't do? If undecided on the technical issues stick to "I usually never listened,...."

    Quote Originally Posted by Dorian Grey View Post
    "Okay, well I got my coffee. So I'm going to go into my office now..." I said making a beeline for the door. Before I could even make another step someone else started berating me. Why did they think I'd know anything? I ignored them and kept going. Shutting my office door and putting on some music, I zoned out the outside world.

    'Its the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine!"
    Zoned - Now I see where you got the earlier zoning. But I think it'd be better if the world around you dissolved, maybe something to that extent.

    Now for the general comments :-

    1) Writing style - Suitable, considering this being a flow of thoughts piece. However, I would've liked to see a little more variance in the vocabulary, which will help to further define the intelligence that your character is beginning to reveal.

    2) Plot/ Character - Agreed that the piece was a little intriguing (based on a little note about the conspiracy theory) but I wasn't drawn in partly because your character seemed so put off by the entire world. In short, starting off apathetic wasn't enough for me to keep reading.

    So, I will read the next post based on the conspiracy theory note to see where this is heading. Perhaps I'll be drawn in then. Do keep in mind that whatever I've said here is purely on a personal level, i.e. based on what I like or don't like. So its entirely up to you, yah?

    cheers

    ~*Why don't they get tired, Because they're fools, Don't fools get tired, How can fools get tired?*~ www.hypergraphiansmuse.blogspot.com
    AF Family
    "Red" - Younger brother
    "*Ninna* ~ Hatake - Sister-in-law"

  4. #4
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    Okie just a quick note before a real reply tomorrow, but...

    I can't punctuate well on the sidekick. It does it for me on some occasions. I'm gonna edit it and fix some things when I get home

  5. #5
    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dorian Grey View Post
    Okie just a quick note before a real reply tomorrow, but...

    I can't punctuate well on the sidekick. It does it for me on some occasions. I'm gonna edit it and fix some things when I get home
    I thought that you might be having some problems with that, I hope I didn't sound to critical, but I thought a frank opinion of one's thoughts is what you were looking for. On a more positive note, there weren't any major problems but there's always room for improvement on works which will never be perfect, isn't it?

    cheers

    ~*Why don't they get tired, Because they're fools, Don't fools get tired, How can fools get tired?*~ www.hypergraphiansmuse.blogspot.com
    AF Family
    "Red" - Younger brother
    "*Ninna* ~ Hatake - Sister-in-law"

  6. #6
    boopaloop! Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys's Avatar
    Gil
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    I actually think that's the first real reply anyone's ever made on these forums, hehe. So I love it!

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