As I sit at this desk, I realize that Heather and I gone out for nine months. I wondered why I feel in love with that girl along time. I hated her for the first five months we were together. I had no feelings for her. The only reason I went out with her was because she had a strong crush on me. After six months, I started to develop these feelings for her. How could this be? I asked myself. Things between us began to get better and we became closer in every way.
Then months later I realized why I developed those feelings for her. I had this whole in my heart what could not be filled, even when I accepted Christ as my lord. The only reason I was still with her is because she claimed to love me. But the truth is I never loved her. (Well except the last two months we were together.)
She was just someone I can hold when I wanted effection. I started to get detached from her. I started had sex with one of my eight-teen year old friend while I was with her. I started to cheat on her for multi reason.
The reasons I cheated on her were many. She was shy all the time until I thought her there is not anything to be shy about. She showed no expression at all when I was with her. Well except in bed but that’s all. She never smiled at all. She always made me feel like it was my fault for everything and that she did not enjoy anything. But the truth was she enjoyed every bit, she just did not know how to express herself. The only time she has ever smiled was when I held her.
I never want to have another relationship like that again and I will never give my heart away again. Why should I? To get hurt again? Well I made a mistake going out with her, but if it was not for her I would be dead so yea. I thank her that much. This was how I felt when I was with Heather.