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Thread: SpellBound.

  1. #1
    Member Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default SpellBound.

    Ah.. helpful criticism appreciated. Dont all writters need some?

    [Untitled.]
    Sweet roses of petals,
    How I wish you were liquid,
    Id drink in your beauty,
    Oh the beautiful scents of nature.


    Spell Bound.
    Why must love keep me spell bound?
    It tightens the grip upon my heart, Every time I want to break,
    When I think of something other,
    It brings thoughts back into, My mind, My memory, My heart,
    Why must I be spell bounded into this?
    For whom Id rather live without,
    Why is it, Im dreading his presence, His sense of faith
    Hes my cause of problems, My cause of breath,
    Why is it that this spell wont let go,
    I dont understand,
    Does my heart know something I dont?
    Person &quot;I'm gonna beat you with a spoon >.>&quot;
    Me &quot;;__; oh my gawd..&quot;

    By Gintara, thank-toh

    Current Manga|SkipBeat|VK|Naruto|Blackcat|OuranHostclub|

  2. #2
    Member Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33 has a reputation beyond repute Sai<33's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    Hmm i get what you're saying,
    do you know anyway how i could make it so that the reader could actually feel my emotions?
    Because to me, it sounded ok and emotional, of course thats not going to sound the same with the public.
    So any tips on improving that?
    Person &quot;I'm gonna beat you with a spoon >.>&quot;
    Me &quot;;__; oh my gawd..&quot;

    By Gintara, thank-toh

    Current Manga|SkipBeat|VK|Naruto|Blackcat|OuranHostclub|

  3. #3
    Junior Member Nekolicious has much to be proud of Nekolicious has much to be proud of Nekolicious has much to be proud of Nekolicious has much to be proud of Nekolicious has much to be proud of Nekolicious has much to be proud of Nekolicious has much to be proud of Nekolicious has much to be proud of Nekolicious has much to be proud of Nekolicious's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    Excellent Sai! I like the way you made it so...-searches for word-...deep! XD <-- It might be short but it's very awesome. It's not perfect, but hey, no one is perfect. Like some people say: "If someone thinks their perfect, tell them to try walking on water."
    ~Neko

  4. #4
    oh geez... sauske i love you will become famous soon enough sauske i love you will become famous soon enough sauske i love you's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    Myrtle that does not make sense.
    A writter does not write a poem so that no one will feel the poems feelings.

    Sai the first poem was short, but thats what made it sweet.
    Last edited by sauske i love you; 11-15-2007 at 05:46 PM.

  5. #5
    Heart Cold As Ice ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR's Avatar
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    Default

    poetry has feelin in it, sometimes you need to look for it.
    DOn't worry, you did great. A good title would be Bounded.
    The one thing is to think of good titles and the feeling you want people to feel, that may help with the emotion you posess at the time as well.
    keep up the good work.
    I am no more a rose than I am its thorns.
    No more a gentle breeze than I am the hailing storm.
    I am no more hated than I am loved.
    And I am no more heartfilled than I am heartless.
    This is who I am.
    ~ELR

  6. #6
    Senior Member seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon's Avatar
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    Default

    ummm...honestly? The first short part is sweet. The second? i don't know, try some little metaphors that everyone can relate to or understand, give it a tiny bit more depth in a sense. Don't get me wrong though, I do admire your work, I even see potential in it. Work on it and polish it more and it'll be great. ^^

    One more thing, when I said familiar and easy to relate metaphors I meant original and in a non-cliche/cheesy sort of way. ^^ goodluck, ^^
    Last edited by seraphic_demon; 08-04-2008 at 08:17 PM.
    Thine soul is mine for the keeping
    As a thousand rivers now dividing
    Provides me with that much needed killing!

    Sig by: Jagan Eye

    Weep as much as you want, and feel the hands of despair groping for your soul, for nothing can ease the pain of losing your beloved, like the gentle thrust of my sword.

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