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Thread: Original Fiction: Destiny's Whisper

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    Junior Member Aglo is a jewel in the rough Aglo is a jewel in the rough Aglo is a jewel in the rough Aglo's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: Destiny's Whisper

    - Good morning!
    Eheisi grumbled. When she opened her eyes she saw like stars shining green eyes, a cute curved up nose and an entrancing smile in Ludi's face. The fact that she was so close to her, scared Eheisi a bit.
    - Get up, sleepy head - Ludi giggled - After breakfast we'll go shopping to town.
    - Yeah yeah... Like every weekend. But why do you always wake me up this early, Ludi? I can't even have a decent nap, and it's Saturday morning, for goodness sake.
    Eheisi was a bit angry at her friend for waking her up this early in the morning. Again.
    - I always wake you up early because it isn't very hot in the morning, and most of the people are still sleeping, so the lines at the shops are short. So, will you get up or will I have to drag you out of bed? - Ludi giggled. She thought that Eheisi looks funny when she's angry in the morning for waking her up early. And cute, in a way.
    - I'm getting up... I am... - Eheisi yawned and stretched a bit - Is atleast the breakfast ready?
    - Aha - Ludi nodded happily - the tea is on the table and you'll find the porrage next to it. You'd better hurry , or it'll get cold. While you eat, I'll go take a quick dip in the river. But please hurry up.
    After that, Ludi gave Eheisi a sweet smile and ran down the stairs merrily. Later Eheisi heard the door squeaking and banging lightly and the sound of Ludi's steps running to the river.
    After Ludi ran off to take a quick dip in the river, Eheisi walked down to the kitchen where her breakfast has been waiting for her. After she ate, she went back upstairs to change her clothes and to spruce up a bit, since every morning she looked like a witch (atleast that's what she thought). While she was back up in her bedroom she slipped out of her white nightwear and put on her regular, but favourite clothes: black leather pants rolled up a bit so it wouldn't be hot, and a blue banyan shirt. Finally she put on her sandals and went back downstairs; she wanted to wash her face and comb that stack on her head that's called hair.
    Actually, Eheisi always devalued herself. Many people kept saying that she is beautiful: light, but not pale skin; dark hair with a shading of blue, and actually no one knew why her hair was like that; and ofcourse deep blue almond shaped eyes which could entrance anyone.
    When Eheisi finally was ready, Ludi was wating for her with the horses:
    - Your punctual as always, - Ludi chaffed lightly.
    - But ofcourse. How else can I, - Eheisi didn't offend. After all those years of living together with Ludi, she got used to her strange happy behaviour and light sneers.
    --------------------------------
    Artists comment: These are just the first two paragraphs of a fantasy book that I'm writing. It's originally written in Lithuanian, so I translate this on the spot, and if you find any spelling/dictionary/grammar mistakes let me know.
    The story is updated once in a while on my "Destiny's whisper" account in deviantART.
    Genre - fantasy, adventure, romance and blah blah blah. Sounds typical huh? Maybe. But the characters and the world are all my ideas, or to be precise - my dreams. Every little thing I write in this book is what I dream (as in day dreaming and sleeping) about. You can even call it my perfect world. The main character Eheisi is quite like me, and her actions are mostly what I would do },]
    I'll be sure to translate more in some time. This is all I got in English for now.
    Last edited by Daenerys; 11-12-2007 at 03:07 PM.


    Witch - is a term, granted for any potion brewer and/or magic practician, whose activity is based on a religious creed system



  2. #2
    Corrupted Data Inc. CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon's Avatar
    Gil
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    It's short; I don't have a grasp of the storyline yet. If possible, try to elaborate the description more. When I read it, it's sort of monotonous. Use " (quotation marks) for conversations. It's confusing if you just use - (dash). Is 'porrage' = 'porridge'? There are grammar mistakes too but I won't point it out. Overall, it isn't that bad. You can improve. Good luck! =>

  3. #3
    Junior Member Aglo is a jewel in the rough Aglo is a jewel in the rough Aglo is a jewel in the rough Aglo's Avatar
    Gil
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    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonMoon View Post
    It's short; I don't have a grasp of the storyline yet. If possible, try to elaborate the description more. When I read it, it's sort of monotonous. Use " (quotation marks) for conversations. It's confusing if you just use - (dash). Is 'porrage' = 'porridge'? There are grammar mistakes too but I won't point it out. Overall, it isn't that bad. You can improve. Good luck! =>
    I could use the quatation marks for dialogues and such, it's just that I'm used to the dash },]
    Yeah. I had the same notice earlier, that it could use more description. I'll try to work on that. And it's monotonous in English, since I don't always know how to translate some specific words that I use in my language.
    Thank you for your comment },]


    Witch - is a term, granted for any potion brewer and/or magic practician, whose activity is based on a religious creed system



  4. #4
    boopaloop! Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys's Avatar
    Gil
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    This isnt the forum to plug your deviantart, so I'd perfer if you kept such links to your signature. I have a policy of not directing traffic to another site so people can read your work. The forum is not here to post links, it's to post stories.
    making emo kids[/URL] cry since 1998


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