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Thread: Original Fiction: " Coma"

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  1. #1
    Senior Member red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: " Coma"

    Hey I’m Majeh, I no I have a weird name I think I was named after my great, great granddad…that’s what my mom told me anyway back to me! This is my story. 2 years ago a couple of days before my birthday, I was about to turn 14 and the most amazing thing happened to me and my best friend Demi Hodson.
    Let’s see…hmm I was sitting in my room talking to Laura about what I should get for my birthday when I thought I would check if my mom had got me something special in the loft and went to check. There was a brown leather book lying still and alone on the book shelf my mom brought last Christmas. I picked it out and sat down by Laura placing the book between mine and her laps.
    It felt old and worn, kinder like them books you get in the history movies you have to watch at high-school. On the inside of the cover there was writing but it was too hard to make out. Laura got me a magnifying-glass so I could read it better. It read out too be
    “Coma”.
    “What a strange name I thought too myself, it must be one of those fantasy book again that dad brings home from his anime or manga convention thingies”
    You see my dad is an artist for a top comic or manga that’s what they call them in Asia. He draws all types of weird things: dragons, swords, wizards, those fantasy characters.
    You could think of any character you like, he could most likely draw them if you described them for him.
    Any way back to the book, I turned the page and funnily enough our names were on the page in olden style writing.
    “ In memory of Majeh and Demi, the bravest people I know!”
    “How strange is that then, you don’t see that happen everyday do you Majeh?” whispered Demi because she didn’t want to disturb my chain of thoughts.
    I replied softly “It just doesn’t make sense Demi, since when are we mentioned in a book?” “I don’t know really, but it’s a bit creepy maybe your dad made it or something?” said Demi
    “Maybe my dad did make this but why would he?” I said.
    “I don’t know present maybe?” Demi replied back.
    “So are you getting me anything this year Demi? Im really curious to find out what!” I whispered in her ear.
    “ Well you will have to find out won’t you for yourself in a couple of days.” She whispered back, then giving me a cheeky grin she hugged me to death nearly.

    While trying to breathe out of the corner of my eye I noticed some writing on the bottom of the page, it read “Non Mihi, Non Tibi, Sed Nobis.” I read this out loud and the book started glowing eerily. I thought I was dreaming again, but when Demi grabbed my hand, I knew I weren’t. I started to feel light, as if the sun was in my eyes and I was weightless all in one. Demi Looked over at me I could tell she felt the same, considering she was squeezing my hand. It hand gone pale from the pressure, so I squeezed her hand back, to stop mine hurting. The room was swirling I thought I’d been drugged. I started to feel nauseous; my head pounded terribly, like it was going to explode. I couldn’t feel my arms or legs anymore. Glancing over at Demi I realised she was in more pain than me.
    She was crying. I gripped her hand harder, but not enough to hurt her but to comfort her. The pain in my body was stating to die down now. I realised we unfortunately weren’t in my attic anymore. I looked around quite surprised at where we were.
    Suddenly realising how I had spaced out on, what it looked like grass. I was unfortunately sat on by some thing heavy, panicking I looked above me to see what but it was only Demi.
    She wasn’t in pain anymore but had tear patches on her face. I wiped the clean with my sleeve. Hoping I would hurt her I gave her a friendly hug then started to sit up however the stubborn girl sitting on me would let me then she just lay on top of me hugging me to death.
    The next thing I knew she said, “Don’t ever, ever leave me please”
    then hugged me tighter nearly choking me. I knew she had been in pain, but what I didn’t know is that she couldn’t actually get up because she had hurt her ankle.
    Managing to stand up with out getting her to let go I got her put her arms around my neck. She got onto my back catching on to my idea.
    “Piggy back rides was your favourite thing when you were little wasn’t it?”
    I asked her. Knowing she’d reply with yes, I continued to carry her. Demi didn’t answer, but just looked around at our surroundings amazed. I looked forward also, there was a warm breeze around the hilltop where I was standing holding Demi.
    It was amazing the view from this hilltop you could see everything. We were as high as the clouds. Fields and town stretched out in front of us at the edge of the largest town in sight there was the a castle fully restored. Like one on tv but newer and cleaner. Somebody walked upwards towards us it was a boy about my age, build, height even hair colour. He shouted me!
    “Who are you?” I asked. The boy replied, “How can u speak so rudely to your other self? Yes I am you and you are me!”



  2. #2
    Senior Member red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300 has a reputation beyond repute red_sky300's Avatar
    Gil
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    ..why wont people comment on this its pretty gd !!!

  3. #3
    Corrupted Data Inc. CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon's Avatar
    Gil
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    Yeah, it's an okay story for me, except for your messy english. Pardon me for saying that but really, it can get annoying. You write in a chatty style. But it's more of a slang to me. Try to use formal english. And stick with a name. If her friend's name is Demi, don't write Laura. You're only confusing the readers. I'm not offending you and I hope to see you improve. Work hard. =>

  4. #4
    Senior Member Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn has a reputation beyond repute Regalyn's Avatar
    Gil
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    I'm in most confusion with the last sentence "How can you so rudely to your other self? Yes I am you and you are me!" @.@ what the heck he mean by that? but I got t o say it's a confusing suspense but not in a good way.
    A Lone wolf heavy blade with the blade of God dragon's soul. Odai Govares was once Regalyn's guardian until he form into a heavy blade.


  5. #5
    boopaloop! Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys's Avatar
    Gil
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    Well first off, putting your story in an obnoxious set pairing, will not make anyone read it. Secondly, double posting is against the rules.

    Thirdly, spell check, and write your story in a program that corrects your errors.
    making emo kids[/URL] cry since 1998


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