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Thread: Original Fiction: Extinction

  1. #1
    Member Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: Extinction

    Hey!

    Sum: An experiment is performed in the dream of a boy; he didn't expect to be apart of it.

    Just a story that I wrote ages ago but haven't actually continued writing for yonks. At first it was a oneshot but then the ending was left open, so I continued it... still going though. XD

    So here it is. It should only be rated as PG but if any of the moderators find it... inappropriate, I'd understand. There should also be some swearing... the only one that I think is in here at the moment, is 'Damn.'

    Enjoy!

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Extinction
    Prologue
    A Slow Rise Of Dawn
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I tossed and turned in my bed, flipping the sheets into uncomfortable tangles, which twisted around my wet legs. I was sweating. I couldn’t help it as much. Having strange nightmares was just not my forte. In fact a rarely ever had them. In all honesty, I never dreamed.

    Soft whimpers escaped my shivering lips as I squeezed my eyelids closer together; trying and failing to rid the images from my mind.

    Green lights…

    Black… Darkness…

    Water… Bubbles…

    I heard a close cough and my vision turned around, staring at a man, covered with wires and needles punctured into his slimy skin. Covering his head completely, leaving no strands of hair behind, was a metal cap, with several flashing light blubs placed in an easy pattern around the brim. The top was red and several tubes were connected; with water running from his head to a nearby tub, full of oozing black liquid.

    The man jolted forward and my vision blacked out.

    My eyes opened quickly, blood shot, and no surprise coming with it considering the things I saw.

    I looked around my room shiftily, wondering why I had that nightmare. It seemed so… so real. Like I could reach out and touch it.

    I then remembered the man I saw; tubes sticking out of him and a metal cap covering his brain. The thought sickened me and made my stomach churn.

    I wiped my brow to rid of the sweat that beaded down my cheek bones and cascaded to the damp sheets that twisted around my body.

    I tried to sit up and when I finally managed to, I attempted to untangle my self from the sheets. It took a few minutes and I ended up falling onto the floor and staying there, staring up to the ceiling.

    ‘Damn!’ I thought. ‘It was several minutes ago but my heart is still pounding wildly on my rib cage. It hurts!’

    I felt like screaming but bit the urge back. I found it unnecessary to cry or scream when you are a male. Whenever something sad happened and I felt like crying, my mother always said it was fine to. But I thought completely differently. I felt like it was against the rules… in my book that is.

    Which is why I don’t talk as much. I am not as outgoing as many of the other boys are in my class. I prefer to work on my own, to be on my own. It is what I do best at. It’s how I get really good grades in school. I keep to my own world, which helps me to think about things like school essays and stuff, instead of wondering what time my date with the thirteenth girlfriend I have, was?

    I don’t care much about girls. I admire them and all but find I them a distraction to the way I want to live.

    Finding enough strength, I got up clumsily, using my bed side table and fish tank as a rest and falling happily onto my bed, sighing with relief as my skin touched the warm and soft material. Smiling, I turned my palm into a fist, scrunching up some of my sheet.

    Reluctantly I crawled back into my bed and closed my eyes, praying that the same nightmare wouldn’t happen again. I sighed and felt content before dozing off but my eyes squinted when the same images raced through my mind, like expert racing horses.

    I groaned and tried to pry open my eyes, so I could see my own safe room but my lids seemed to be sowed together.

    Green lights…

    Black… Darkness…

    Water… Bubbles…

    Again my vision was facing upwards, staring at a supposedly ceiling but I couldn’t see anything. It was as pitch black as anything. No lights or windows. It was like a chamber.

    Somehow green lights were flicked on and I heard the sound of churning waters and the clanking of glass tubes as they hit together to make mind boggling experiments.

    Stiffly my vision turned to the left where I saw a man wearing a white lab coat and bending down over a table, full off vials and queer liquid colours. I was scared and tried to move but my wrists felt like they bound to something. A bed.

    It felt so real.

    I tried to speak but I neither could hear nor feel words coming from my mouth. I was like a mute.

    Eventually the scientist turned around. I saw him more clearly and what I saw appeared to be just a normal man but his egotistical smirk on his white face made my first impressions of him turn ill.

    His mouth looked lop-sided or his smile was just a half one. Whatever it was, his pearly teeth clearly showed through. By the looks of him, I thought he would be rich. A secret lab and perfect teeth? What else could prove it? But then again it could just be something that I wanted to think, so it wouldn’t be as bad.

    Unfortunately for me, I was right. As soon as I thought that, his teeth were yellowier and crooked at times. Glad that I could not see his whole smile.

    Then my eyes wondered more over onto what he wore and his other looks. He wore glasses that covered most of his face and hidden behind them were steely grey eyes. I felt nervous in my stomach and gulped.

    Everything seemed to be so slow, as I continued to examine this strange man but in reality… he just turned around.

    His white coat lab was probably the only clean thing about him but then again, tipping vials and stuff onto you isn’t exactly clean. It was crinkled, slightly grey which was darker in blotches scattered randomly on his coat. Half of his collar stood on edge, looking like that even it was afraid of this man.

    His hair was long that just reached past his shoulders and was a dull brown colour. It was also a bit frizzy but he didn’t seem to be the type of man who would care about what he looks like. To me it seemed like he doesn’t even leave this room, afraid that someone might steal his most precious inventions or great discoveries.

    Then it hit me, like my sister hits me over the head with a frying pan when ever I would steal her turn to go into the bath room. She was the type of person who would spend days on end just fixing her face with make up.

    Anyway, I realised that I could have been his experiment. But it was just a dream, more like a nightmare actually. A really freaky nightmare that is. It would explain why I couldn’t move or speak.

    But luckily for me, my mind relaxed when he spoke a name which was not mine.

    “Why so quiet Mr. Atkins?” he cooed, turning back to the table and facing me again; this time carrying in his hands a needle with a blood red coloured liquid sloshing against the walls of the thin glass.

    ‘Atkins? Atkins? Where have I heard that name before?’ I thought to myself quickly before the man limped over to me. He held the needle up to the light, to make it possible to see through the fluid. I found it quite difficult, thinking for a split second that the red stuff could actually be real blood but why would this psycho inject blood into his experiment?

    I was really confused but decided to just go along with the ride. I was curious now and because of that my fear of this nightmare had vanished and I felt eager to see what happened next.

    Weird I know but it’s just how I am.

    I was thinking too much to myself that I didn’t even feel the small prick that you should normally feel when you are injected. I hate needles and all but it was only after, that I realised and actually felt the injection. Just the thought of a metal object as thin as paper or even thinner, being inserted into your body, makes my skin crawl and go cold. Not to mention the feel of the metal sliding into your skin.

    “There, it wasn’t that bad was it?” the creepy mad man rhetorically asked.

    I was going to say ‘no’ but realised that I am not really here. It just seems so real that I could have believed myself to being a scientific experiment. The thought of being one just made me gag in my mind. Being an experiment is not a good thing!

    I heard a cough, which sounded like he was gasping for breathe. I wanted my vision to be free, so I could wander and explore this new place but I don’t have that free will.

    Almost sensing my thoughts, my wrists felt the nice air clasp onto the sweat that pasted itself onto my skin. I found that I could sit up and look around easier.

    As simply as it sounded, I got up and scanned the room, then faced the creepy man and the one whose position I was actually in.

    The scientist looked at where I was; almost as if he knew I was here. My skin crawled and goose bumps popped up onto my skin.

    His steely eyes turned back to the experiment and my eyes followed his. The man… he looked familiar. But where? Where have I seen him before?

    “Wakey, wakey,” the man smiled, fiddling with the straps at Mr. Atkins wrists.

    He was tightening them because I could see him use his muscles to pull tighter and not to release, but why would he tighten them?

    Everything was answered in just a few seconds, when the said Mr. Atkins eyes, shot open.

    I jumped half in mid air at the sudden reaction and gasped loudly, keeping breathe in my lungs as I stared at his eyes. They weren’t normal. No where near. Was he even human anymore?

    I stepped a bit closer and the scientist looked up my general direction like a bullet leaving its holster. I flinched and stopped dead in my tracks before calming myself, saying in my mind that he can’t see me.

    I looked down at the pair of inhuman eyes. A yellow iris with black slits as thin as the ink tube from a pen, centred in the middle of the eye.

    I could tell that it wasn’t human, well at least not anymore. That stuff that was in the needle changed him somehow. He looks like an animal. But what type of animal would have eyes like this?

    Cats? No. Their pupils are round and not slitted. A bird? Yes, a bird.

    However my thoughts changed when the newly formed creature made a horrible sound which I thought didn’t even exist. It was like he was coughing but with a mechanical background added to it or his throat was just extremely coarse; perhaps even quite resonant.

    “Beautiful? Isn’t he?” the man on the other side of the table said, as he ran his fingers down the side of the screeching creatures face.

    Weird. It seemed like he was talking to me. Not to himself but to someone… me?

    What had he turned this man into? And what was his purpose.

    “Well Mr. Botham?” he hissed.

    My eyes grew wide with shock. I couldn’t believe it. He was talking to me!

    At that moment he looked up at me, a shining glint in his eyes and the reflective light from his glasses. He looked just plain evil.

    “You can see me?” I asked and was surprised that my mouth and voice was working considering I was scared as hell.

    A chuckle escaped the man’s thin lips before he replied.

    “Why of course I can. Who do you think released you from the bounds? Hmm?”

    He was enjoying this. I could tell. My lips pursed in anger and also at the fact that I felt like a fool. A reason that I don’t know.

    “Since when could you?”

    “I have to admit, I did not intend someone to see my work, least of all a boy like you but unfortunately I could not stop it. I would not know how you managed to gain vision of my works and luckily for you… I cannot harm you. But I should warn you that if you do utter a word of what you have seen in this lab, you would regret the day you had been born,”

    I nodded numbly, almost convinced that he would find me and slit my throat while I slumber.

    It was silent as he looked evilly at me while I just stood there petrified, stealing glances at the howling creature, strapped to the metal table.

    He sighed quite casually and pushed his glasses further onto his face, before chuckling.

    “I’m guessing you want to know what I did to this man?”

    I nodded, stiffly. I could hear my joints crack softly.

    “Fascinating isn’t it? What science could do with just a bit of mixing chemicals,” he applauded his work, smiling down at the man, staring into the inhuman eyes.

    “What did you put into him?” I asked forcefully, hoping that my tone wouldn’t make me sound like a chicken, although I knew fully that he knew I was freaked out.

    “Why, I have merely combined two kinds of liquid; one, the blood of an animal and the other… a chemical that I made secretly in this secure lab. But I am surprised that only a pint of the one I used did this much of an affect on a human man…” he laughed, closing his eyes, “think of the possibility if I could just get more.”

    I gulped and found it hard to swallow. I was getting incredibly scared now. This first turned out to be a nightmare and then it merged into a reality and conversation with a freaky psycho.

    “What have you turned Mr. Atkins into?” I yelled stepping forward a bit.

    “You have no need to know that information. It’s far too valuable to let it seep into a young boys mind. In fact, I have already told you too much. My, my. I must be in a good mood today. I am being very lenient.”

    “Then get me out of here!”

    “Hmmm…” he brought his hand to his chin and scratched at it like he was thinking. “… Ah yes. Do you know this man?” I shook my head. “He is a father of one of your dear class mates.”

    I felt like puking but found that I had a stone lodged in my throat. Why couldn’t I think of it before? Oh no. Please tell me that tomorrow he is back with his family when I wake up.

    I was going to yell at the laughing scientist but what I yelled out wasn’t words but in fact loud screeches, like the ones Mr. Atkins made after his eyes shot open. I was turned into a creature myself!

    I coughed but the sound didn’t turn back to normal. My hearing seemed to listen to every surrounding sound. I could hear the churning of water and the bubbles floating to the top of a tub. I could hear the maniacal laugh of the psycho and screeching sound of the man on the table.

    What was happening to me?!
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Please comment! The next chapter, should be posted soon... hopefully.

    ~Ta-ta
    +-Drashow-+
    ~*~-+I'd laugh in the face of danger... -_- if I wasn't chicken+-~*~

    I won't hide Don't make me!

    (>.<)
    <(^.^)> PEEK-A-BOO!!!

    HoW mUcH dUmBeR cAn I gEt? nOt MuCh...

    <WanT a wArm FuzZliE?> <HerE yoU go!> *HugGleS*

    |-|-|-|-|-|-|-|
    ~My profile on ff.net... yes, it is clickable
    http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1125847/

  2. #2
    Corrupted Data Inc. CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon's Avatar
    Gil
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    Supernatural? Great work, I enjoy reading it. I only see some small errors. But it shouldn't matter that much. I understand what you're trying to say. What's his name? It's only natural that the reader at least knows his name. Is it only Botham? I'll be on the look. Keep up! =D

  3. #3
    Member Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow has a brilliant future Drashow's Avatar
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    My next chapter is here! I hope you enjoy it and it may not be as good as the prologue but I think it did pretty well in it considering I am not in a good writing mood.

    In case there is any thought of the introduced female character - excluding the blood relation one - yes, I know she sounds way out there and everything and feel free to bite my head off; but I haven't really written an Original story before so I don't know whether the Mary Sue rule applies to this or not. Please, again, feel free to tell me. I sound kinda lame - meh. XD

    Thanks to CrimsonMoon as well for reminding me of this next chapter. Unfortunately, I haven't exactly written any more after this chapter so whoever likes this story is probably in for a long wait. Apologies. I've had other things on my mind...

    *sigh* Also, the other version of this actually has swear words, which I forgot to mention in the first post. Because of this, I'm changing those words into non swear words (hopefully), due to the sites rules. It won't have the same affect and I don't know how long this story will last like that because I think I, at first, intended it to be extreme like that; which the story thread doesn't allow, due to young viewers. I don't actually know if the swear word I changed in hear is actually classified as a swear word but just for safety, I got rid of it. Yeah, you catch my drift, hopefully. XD

    Anyway, Please comment afterwards!

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Extinction
    Chapter One
    Emirii
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I unexpectedly awoke the next morning with my alarm screaming at me, shrilling its wake up call right next to my ear. I flinched and caringly caressed my ringing ear before slamming down on the alarm, shutting the machinery quiet.

    Sitting up in bed I tried to recall what happened. It didn’t make any sense. It felt so real and yet I am still normal. Wait maybe I should test that before I start making assumptions.

    I was silent, thinking of what to say and then a thought hit me.

    “grozit!” I yelled before throwing the covers off of my body and quickly scrambling for the bathroom, tripping over my school shoes and my skateboard on the way.

    As I expected, it was locked and I knew I would be late for school now. My sister managed to get in ahead of me and knowing her, she would stay in there all day if she wanted to but luckily my mother is as violent as my sister, and would literally threaten my sister with a screw driver to get her out.

    I wonder why I am not like the rest of my family. I am not as threatening as them and it makes me wonder, why am I different?

    I sighed reluctantly before tapping lightly on the cream coloured door, with a sign on it and written in cursive was the word ‘bathroom.’

    “Just don’t take too long Miina,” I asked and waited. No response. Slightly irritated I knocked again and called her name more forceful. "Miina!”

    “What?!”

    Came the response, more loudly then mine. I rolled my eyes trying not snicker, for some queer reason.

    “Don’t take too long,” I replied softer, making it hard for me to decide if I actually said anything or not.

    “Yeah, yeah,” her voice was muffled by something, possibly her hair tie that she put in her mouth.

    Yeah, I know what she does in that bathroom all the time, since she tried to experiment with me when she first started using make-up. I was 10 when she did and found it fun, surprisingly. It was one of those rarer moments where my sister actually wanted to do something with me, or do something to me. I came out looking like a clown.

    Lipstick on my forehead saying ‘loser’ and purple eye shadow circling my entire eye with dark red blush pasted everywhere on my cheeks. I felt like a fool but then again at least I got a small time of attention from my sister.

    Now that I am older then before, I usually make her grovel to me if she wanted to experiment with make-up again. But my plan didn’t work the first time, when she said ‘fine!’ and walked to our younger sister’s room. She was 3 and still drooled. I was watching Mina put make-up on her and couldn’t help laughing when saliva trickled down her lip and smudged all the makeup, making her look like a vampire.

    I sighed. Those days were over now. It was only earlier this year but I still miss them. I stared at the door for sometime and walked back to my room, closing the door softly behind me.

    I scanned my room, which was completely messy and strolled to my bed and collapsed, groaning at the soft touch of the sheets that adorned my single bed.

    I fell asleep quickly and I didn’t even react when my mind showed that lab again. I was curious again. Damn my curiosity! I could be killed by my own dream and even weirder, my own mind.

    Green lights…

    Black… Darkness…

    Water… Bubbles…

    My eyes opened again to look at the interior of a very familiar room. I mentally cried when I saw this place. I tried to sit up but again I found my self bound by leather straps clutching tightly to my wrist and even twisting my skin in an anticlockwise direction.

    I was tied to the table again and wondered if it was just like before, where I was seeing from the view of another person.

    It was silent if you take out the noises of churning water and the popping of bubbles once they reach the surface. Also the quick breathes I took when I looked from side to side and saw the tub of black ooze and a tube connected to somewhere near me. Yes, I was scared and I was not afraid to admit that.

    Minutes maybe hours passed before I heard something that sounded like a metal door opening. I could only guess who it was; it must be that scientist that I saw in my last night mare.

    I looked the other way when I saw movement to my position. I didn’t want to see him, the psycho freak.

    In my peripheral vision I saw a body on the side of me but it didn’t look quite masculine and I didn’t see much white like the lab coat from the man I saw in my last encounter with this lab.

    Okay, my curiosity was getting the better of me and I had an inner fight as I inched my head over to the other side to see who it was.

    A female! The inner fight disappeared and I whole new feeling emerged as I looked at her.

    Her hair was a queer colour of candy pink and it just touched her shoulders. A black hat was placed on her head on a slant, which looked like one of those French painters hats. Inside I giggled rather girlishly but I tried not to show the act on my face.

    Her eyes, were quite large and her orbs were coloured a darker shade of pink, which still looked quite menacing. The clothes that hugged her petite body looked casual. Yes, she was small; my estimation was perhaps around 5’1.

    Her dark purple top was long sleeved that hung loose when it reached her wrists. I couldn’t see what the front looked like because of a dark brown trench coat that was buttoned from the start of her breasts, down to her waist, where a small tuff of her shirt was hanging out, covered it. She wore light brown cargo pants and black shoes that looked like the ones that are knee height.

    I had to admit, she was cute but her ears were puzzling me. I had never seen ears like that. They were circular, similar to bears ears, and extended out from the side of her head and were white, save one which had a blotch of black on the tip.

    “Mr. Botham?” she asked, cutting off my train of thought.

    “Yes?” I replied weakly, gulping.

    The girl smiled and held her hand out. I was confused about her antics and wondered if she was good or bad.

    “I’m Emirii Gemini,” she announced, giggling to herself for fun.

    I found her already annoying with the way she introduced herself.

    “Well, come on, shake my hand!” she suddenly grew very angry, and her eyes looked down on me like her prey.

    She started giggling again and returned her hand to herself.

    “Oh, silly me! I forgot. You can’t!” she teased me, poking the side of my arm and sticking her tongue out.

    I hated her. I really hated her and to think I once thought she was cute. At this moment I really wished that the bounds would let me go and I could chase after her, strangling the life out of her. Unfortunately it didn’t work when I thought it and I found myself looking at her childish smile and her small action of standing on tippy toes and then back down again.

    Why wouldn’t it work?! It’s my own night mare!

    “Now, now Emirii,” a familiar voice cooed once again.

    This time I knew who it was. I knew it was the scientist who I last saw when I last came here. Just then I shiver travelled down my spine and I found myself already rapidly sweating. What will he do now?

    “You don’t want to scare our guest, do you?” the creepy sound came again.

    Emirii stopped bouncing and looked at the new arrival, the smile wiped from her face. How much power did this man have?

    “Oh no, we wouldn’t. That would be rude,” she agreed, putting a finger in her mouth and slightly nibbling on it, like she was punishing herself for being mean.

    “Good girl. Now where is Ruuben?”

    I could hear his steps coming closer to me, the sound rebounding off of everything in the room. The girl’s face seemed to cheer up a lot when she heard that name. Her smile was quickly placed back on her face and her fingers removed from her mouth.

    I was confused. Why would they talk so casually like I wasn’t here? Maybe they knew that I wasn’t going to get out of here. That they were going to kill me.

    “Ruuben! Ruuben!” she pranced around the room, singing the name out like it was honey.

    “Emirii,” irritation could be heard in that voice.

    His steps were getting closer to me and I finally had him in my view. Yes, he looked exactly the same like last time, save the five o’clock shadow and the heavy bags under his eyes.

    The prancing girl stopped and looked at the scientist.

    “Ruuben should be at the place where you wanted him to spy, sir!” she saluted him.

    He looked at me and I looked at him. His steely grey eyes still scared me like hell when I looked at them but I found that I couldn’t look away as easily.

    “Good,” he almost slurred. Sharply, he turned his head to her, making me flinch. I don’t now if she did or not but I would. “Go join him. I’ll entertain our guest here.”

    He pointed his head at me and looked at me again. I shifted uncomfortably when I become his target.

    “Awww,” Emirii cried but ran out the room anyway.

    “Finally alone, Mr. Botham.” I shivered visibly in front of him. His words always seem to have that affect on me and it was getting really annoying. I nodded numbly, lips sown together like a zombie. “Excuse Emirii. She is quite a handful. I don’t know how Ruuben can handle her and I barely manage myself.”

    That made sense. He didn’t have that much power over them. Maybe this Ruuben fella would harm Emirii in some way if she didn’t obey. I wouldn’t know but I can guess.

    “Last time I didn’t have the opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Alec. I prefer not to speak my last name if you don’t mind?”

    Alec, huh? I’ll remember that if I make it out of here alive.

    “Now, I know that we know each other now but I am afraid that I can’t let you leave. You seem to have this… ability that connects you to my lab, like you are a walking camera.”

    So I am connected to this place when I dream or sleep? But how did it get like this in the first place? I was scared when I re-ran his words through my mind, my cheeks got colder and I couldn’t feel my hands, because of the tight shackles.

    He can’t let me leave? Those words scared me the most. What will he do to me? Kill me? Or just keep me in here for experiments. I have to leave sometime since I am in state of dreaming.

    Alec turned around and walked to a full desk with 3 drawers on the left. He opened the second one and pulled out something. I couldn’t see it due to the shadows concealing it from me.

    He turned back to me and walked over to where I laid. I attempted to wiggle free but found it useless.

    The light revealed what he held in his hands. A scapel. Yes, he was going to kill me. I confirmed it and I felt like screaming and running away but I found that I couldn’t move or even whimper. I was like a block of ice. No more future.

    As he was about to lean down to insert the knife into my frosted skin, I seemed to be shaking uncontrollably, making him stop his actions. I was confused as you can believe. I wasn’t doing this at all. My mind was frozen solid. I looked up at him, trying to see his eyes, from my quick shaking.

    I could see that he was confused too. His eyes scanned me from top to bottom to find out what was going on.

    “Stop!” I yelled before blacking out.

    Quietly I heard a few last words from him before I could see again.

    “Later on, Mr…”

    “Kevin!”

    Another voice was yelling at me and I could feel warmth coming back to my wrists, chest, cheek and anything else that was cold. I could feel someone shaking my whole body, side to side.

    “Kevin!”

    I mumbled something quietly and the earthquake stopped. I could feel a warm breathe on my skin.

    “What?” I mumbled again, peeling open my eyes to see the person above me.

    I was back and I was glad about it. I couldn’t stand it any more in that lab. Unfortunately my greeting was a sharp pain across my cheek. I was expecting something more of a hug or “are you okay?” But I guess that this was the way in our family to show if we were worried or not.

    “What was that for?!” I yelled sitting up in my bed and staring at none other then my sister. An angry look glued to her face. I could easily see her teeth grinding together. “Oh no,” I muttered.

    “You idiot!” she screamed right next to my ear and hit me over the head again. She turned for the door and was about to leave before quickly turning to me and smiling. “Bathroom is free now wimp.” Then left.

    I smiled back. That’s Miina for you. I then felt the stinging pain on my cheek and fell back on my bed again, rubbing it to hopefully make it feel better.

    Did she have to hit me so hard? I thought, staring up at the ceiling. I smiled again, knowing that she was worried about me. Normally I would wake up and bang heads together as soon as she touched me.

    I know it. She loves me. She can’t hide it.

    I sighed contently and managed to pull my self off my bed and walk to my bed room door. It was filled with pictures of favourite actors and singers, also front covers of books. A sign was at the top and engraved in it, in cursive was ‘Kevin’s room.’

    How dull I thought, quickly glancing at it and then heading straight for the bathroom door. Oh yeah. I was so going to be late for school.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I hope you enjoyed it still. I find it easier to write the scenes when he is dreaming. I think I plan to have more of those, which hopefully won't bore readers.

    Luckily though, I know I said I don't have any written so far but still, the chapters are all planned out so I know what's happening in them; they're just not written.

    Please comment!

    ~Ta-Ta
    +-Drashow-+
    ~*~-+I'd laugh in the face of danger... -_- if I wasn't chicken+-~*~

    I won't hide Don't make me!

    (>.<)
    <(^.^)> PEEK-A-BOO!!!

    HoW mUcH dUmBeR cAn I gEt? nOt MuCh...

    <WanT a wArm FuzZliE?> <HerE yoU go!> *HugGleS*

    |-|-|-|-|-|-|-|
    ~My profile on ff.net... yes, it is clickable
    http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1125847/

  4. #4
    Corrupted Data Inc. CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon's Avatar
    Gil
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    Wow, his sister is just rough. Again, I only spotted minor grammatical errors but they don't affect the story much. Also, you should make a new thread (I think) since this is a new chapter. This story is still vague so I hope to know more in the future. Good luck and keep up! =]

  5. #5
    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
    Gil
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    The concept is nice in a pretty chilling way. I'm not seeing enough development yet to catch my attention. Meaning that there needs to be a little more revealed from this point forward in order to keep me interested in the plot line. Otherwise, all I'm getting is imagery, which isn't a bad thing considering that the ability to paint a picture in a reader's mind is already a show of talent. Keep going at it.

    One little nuinsance I should mention. Although the grammatical errors are small, they do hinder the flow. Especially with a horror filled story like this, a grammatical error does upset the emotional experience a reader goes through. So I suggest a thorough read and editing before posting. But of course I'll leave it up to you and how detail you wish to be about things like this.

    On a final note, I'd go through a word-by-word edit but it seems you already have a good grasp of your writing style, which definitely doesn't need fixing.
    Keep up the good work

    ~*Why don't they get tired, Because they're fools, Don't fools get tired, How can fools get tired?*~ www.hypergraphiansmuse.blogspot.com
    AF Family
    "Red" - Younger brother
    "*Ninna* ~ Hatake - Sister-in-law"

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