Hiya everyone, sorry to break the no-thread record here. ^^'
Last year, I tried to translate in French a Tokimeki Memorial 1 song, "Nijiiro no X-Mas Eve" (Rainbow-coloured X-Mas Eve).
That attempt was only partly sucessful, because some parts remained obscure to me.
I gave another shot at it today, and tried to translate it in English as well.
Aside from one part where I'm really not sure I've understood well (I'll come back to this later), the French translation went rather smoothly.
I'm not that confident on the English version however, because somehow (probably because, while I can write English rather well, I'm not a native English speaker, and thus I don't have a full grasp at the language), I can't succeed rendering the romantic atmosphere of the song in several part of my translation.
So, I'm asking you, if you please could get a look at it, and help me improve it before I try submitting it.
Here's the Kanji version of the song :
飛び込みたい まっすぐ あなたの胸に
白いスプレー 街中 燥いでいるの
指先に 息 吹きかけて
この気持ちが ずっと続くように ねがい込めた
羨ましく 思った 去年のX-mas Eve
恋なんて でも 出来るかなぁ...
この気持ちが いつか届くように ねがい込めた
二人きりで 今年はじめての雪 見つめたいな
And here is my English translation of it :
Wearing a ribbon on my heart,
I'd love to plunge myself straight within your chest
The trees habitually bordering the streets, become magic Christmas Trees
Covered with a white mantle (1), the whole town is in high spirits
I blew on my fingertips,
and gazed (looked) up at the frozen sky
A rainbow-coloured Christmas, a Christmas where I'm falling in love
Candles too are flickering (shaking) under the wind
When I think about you, warmth flows inside me (2),
I made the wish this feeling goes on forever
On last year's Christmas Eve, each time cuddling couples passed,
I felt jealous
It looked like love, but was I really in love ?
Somewhere, I gave up (3)
A rainbow-coloured Christmas, a yearning Christmas,
It will be a little different from last year
When you smile, happiness flows inside me,
I made the wish this feeling reaches you one day
That we had the chance we met (4), that was God's present, don't you think ?
In this town where jingle bells are resounding,
I'd love to gaze at this year's first snow together, just the two of us.
(1) I know it litterally means here : "covered with a white spray", but that just kills the magic and romantic atmosphere around this part, so I went the "white mantle" route.
(2) Litterally translated, that part is : "I'm becoming warm", but I just don't find that good, so I went to that other translation instead.
(3) That part, "恋なんて でも 出来るかなぁ... 諦めてた どこかで", is pure headache to me, I'm not sure of my translation on the 恋なんて でも 出来るかなぁ... , and simply don't understand the meaning of 諦めてた どこかで on here. T_T
(4) In French, I could get a nice translation of this. But I just can't get it right in English, and even that translation of this I came up with is clumsy IMO. Help required here too ! T_T
Big thankies in advance for your help !!