Fruits Basket Fanfiction: Winter's first bloom Ch 2

[CelestialAkina]

Advice

Yuki arrived home that evening to find Tohru cooking dinner in the kitchen, with the help of Kyo, who was refusing to go near the bowl of leaks on the bench, and Shigure reading the newspaper merrily in his study. Yuki left his shoes on the porch and placed his backpack carefully next to them. He then slowly slipped into the house and opened the sliding doors to Shigure’s study. Shigure looked up curiously at Yuki as he entered.

“And to what do I owe this pleasure, young Yuki?” he asked, rolling up his paper and depositing it on the desk.

“I was just wondering about something,” said Yuki, taking a seat next to the desk.

“A girl?” asked Shigure eagerly.

“No not a girl,” Yuki glared at Shigure, who then understood that Yuki was being serious, and decided to stop fooling around.

“What is it Yuki?”

“Well, nothing serious, I was just wondering… What would happen if another person found out about the family curse?” Shigure sighed and stroked his chin as though deep in thought.

“I expect Akito wouldn’t be too happy about that, but then again, he’s a very confusing guy. He let Tohru know didn’t he? So it’s hard to say.”

“Okay, well I better go and do my homework then…” started Yuki, rising from his chair.

“Now wait a minute, you don’t just go around asking things like that. I’m pretty much certain there’s a reason behind it. Now spill it. Who knows?” Yuki gritted his teeth. Had he really been that obvious?

“I – uh – well… It was at the student council meeting. Well, after, really. One of the members, they know…”

“Hm… well this is a tricky one. But I also can’t help but wonder, how exactly did this certain, ‘student council member’ end up so close to you that she caused you to transform?” Yuki blushed.

“She tripped over a chair.”

“Oh, well of course, I only thought it would be some thing as innocent as that.” Shigure chuckled to himself and received a rather hard hit across the head from Yuki. “I’m sorry Yuki, but was there really any need for that?”

“Yes,” said Yuki angrily.

“What is her name?” asked Shigure curiously.

“What does it matter?”

“Well I was just wondering, but if it really didn’t matter you would tell me…” Shigure raised an eyebrow at Yuki.

“Fine, her name is Akina.”

“Spring flower, oh how lovely. Her surname?”

“Saito,” said Yuki. Shigure took a sharp intake of breath. “What?”

“Did you say Saito?” asked Shigure, looking more serious than Yuki had ever seen him.

“Yes, what’s the problem?”

“Oh nothing, nothing,” said Shigure, waving his hands dramatically. “Well you best get that homework done. I think I’m going to go for a walk.” Shigure got to his feet and walked over to the door. “I’ll be back in time for dinner, tell Tohru,” he called over his shoulder as he left the room. What was that about? Yuki thought to himself.

Shigure approached the large doors of Sohma house and knocked three times. He waited paciently, thoughts running through his head.

“Hello Shigure! What are you doing here?” called Momiji through the small latch in the door.

“Oh why hello Momiji, I just came by to see Ayame and Hatori. Are they here?”

“Yup, I’ll just let you in.” There was a loud clinking noise and the doors creaked open. Shigure stepped forwards and observed the many buildings concealed inside Sohma house. It was as deserted as ever as Momiji lead Shigure around the different houses until they came to a stop outside Hatori’s. “They are both inside, but I better get back to my home work. It was nice to see you again!”

“You too Momiji! And thanks again,” Shigure called after the small blonde boy as he skipped away. He then turned back to the house and made his way inside. He entered to find his two school friends sitting at the table in the centre of the room. They both looked up as he entered.

“Oh Shigure, it’s been too long,” said Ayame as his dear friend took a seat at the table.

“I’m sorry Aya, but I have some serious news.”

“Serious? My, that’s not like you Shigure. What’s wrong?”

“Yes, tell us, but I’m afraid you might have to be quick, I have to go and check on Akito in a few minutes,” said Hatori.

“Well, today, Yuki told me something. Now you both have to promise you won’t tell anyone. I still don’t know what to do about it myself.”

“Oh my, he’s not…”

“No Aya, he’s not. It’s something much worse.”

“Oh no! He’s not…”

“No Aya, he’s not. What he said was that another person has found out about the curse.”

“Oh thank goodness!” Ayame sighed with relief. “I thought it would be something, well…”

“Ayame could you please be serious for once,” said Hatori sternly. He then turned to Shigure. “Shigure, clearly there is something else to this story, or you wouldn’t look quite so worried. Now, what is it?”

“Well… the girl is a Saito,” said Shigure gravely.

“Oh no!” cried Ayame.

“Are you sure?” asked Hatori urgently.

“Yes, I’m positive. Yuki said her name is Akina Saito.” There was a loud slamming noise and each of them turned to look at the door. There was no one there, so they returned to their conversation.

“Well it is a rather common name Hari…”

“No, it’s not Ayame.”

“Well what if a new family has moved in the area with the same name?”

“Stop being ridiculous Aya, this is serious.” Ayame rested his head on his hands and sighed.

“I always knew my younger brother would end up a little Romeo…”

“Ayame,” warned Hatori.

“Okay, I’m sorry, but what are we going to do?”

“Hari could always erase her memory?” suggested Shigure.

“I could, but what if she has already told her family?” Each of them sat deep in thought for several minutes, when Shigure finally spoke.

“I’m sorry boys but I have to be getting home. I told the children I would be home for dinner, and I would hate to miss Tohru’s delicious cooking. Hatori, make sure you inform me of everything that is happening, okay?”

“I will, but I think it would be best if you didn’t speak about this to Yuki or the others.” Shigure nodded.

“But there is one thing, how is it that he doesn’t know of the Sohma/Saito feuding anyway?” asked Ayame curiously.

“Well he was cooped up a lot as a child, wasn’t he?” said Shigure.

“Yes, he didn’t see any of the fighting, he was always too young to understand or hidden away inside because of his asthma,” added Hatori. Ayame nodded slowly and sighed.

“My poor brother, a doomed love from the start…”

“Don’t exaggerate Ayame. But I better go too. I need to give Akito his daily check up.” Hatori climbed to his feet and followed Shigure put of his house.

“Oh no, don’t mind me,” Ayame called after them. “I’ll just sit here, all alone… Ah wait, I think I should go and see my dear friend Ritsu, which would give me something to do also.” Ayame floated from the room behind his two friends. Hatori bid goodbye to Aya and Shigure and headed for Akito’s home. He knocked loudly on the door, but there was no answer. He pulled back the sliding door to find an empty bed, and an empty room.

“Akito?” but there was no answer. Akito was gone.

[Hypergraphian]

Advice

Yuki arrived home that evening to find Tohru cooking dinner in the kitchen, with the help of Kyo, who was refusing to go near the bowl of leaks on the bench, and Shigure reading the newspaper merrily in his study.

This sentence can be broken up in sections. Example :-

Yuki arrived home that evening to find Tohru cooking dinner in the kitchen. Kyo was helping but he kept a good distance away from the bowl of leaks sitting on the kitchen bench, which smelt to him like rotting onions. Meanwhile, Shigure was reading a newspaper merrily in his study.....

Another typo error "Patience".

Sorry for not going into detailed review for this one but there's a reason for it. You are nearing an all conversational piece for this chapter. There were no insights as to what was going on in Yuki's head after Shigure's reply nor was there any detailed facial expressions given. You need to work on that.

Hope those comments helped.

[CelestialAkina]

Cool, thanks for the tips ^_^ I realised how long that first sentance was but wasn't sure how to split it :P

And sorry about any spelling differences, I'm English so some words are spelt differently anyway. Confusing!

I'll post chapter 3 soon, and this chapter was more about Shigure than Yuki, hense why I didn't really go into detail with him ^_^

[Hypergraphian]

I'll post chapter 3 soon, and this chapter was more about Shigure than Yuki, hense why I didn't really go into detail with him ^_^

I meant to use Yuki as one example. I'll use the following example for Shigure. In your story,

"Shigure approached the large doors of Sohma house and knocked three times. He waited paciently, thoughts running through his head."

Right after that you head straight into another bout of conversations. I would suggest to answer some of these questions just to provide even more depth into your characters. For instance, what was Shigure's expression? What did he feel? Was he optimistic about the whole issue? Was he worried instead?

When your character feels something and you let us know, we'll feel it too. Its then that you get totally absorbed in the story, the surroundings and its plot.

I understand that fanfictions normally don't go into character detail since a lot of the character's build up was already explained in the anime. Hence plot is always top priority. However, one should never shove aside character definition to make the story even more compelling.

Make your readers cry, laugh, grimace, scream, squeal and fall over their chair if you must. Hope this helps give you a little kick to take things further.

[CelestialAkina]

oh okay! I understand now :P I know what you mean, I think when i was writing this i kind of wanted what was going on to be a secret until we got inside Sohma house and he told Hatori and Ayame what was going on. But yes i should have described his facial expression and things. I will take your advise into account when I'm writing now ^_^