Betrayed

[Howling Star]

Betrayed

There you where with your knife
You tried to take my life
The poison drips on the ground
We both did make any sound

I was waiting for your next attack
Come on I won't do anything back
You teared me apart from limb by limb
By betraying me you little imp

Are you going to finish your work
Say that you find me a dork
Take me to your hell let me burn
I know I get what I earn

So you better kill me slowly
You better let me see
How my body gets teared
It was dead what I feared

But I came to realize
That I never could have lived with this hard of ice
So I wonder or it's true
You did something I couldn't do


So I always wanted to thank you
For doing something I couldn't do
You cut right trough my heart
You did not know I would have been happy if you did it at the start

Thanks for all
Thanks for hearing my call

[Ichiro Matsuchani]

Same problems as usual. An inconsistant metering with a rhymes that were forced. And I'll give the same advice as usual: Take your time when writing, and constantly revise for the better.

EDIT: Just noticed your second post. I'll get rid of the other post.

[DemonicRay]

I agree with ichiro... Hmm...

I gotta say the grammar in here is a bit off too.. :/ well...slowly work on them grammar... ^^ all u need is practice..and if u are not a good rhymer...hmm..dont do rhyming poetry first... ^^ thats my advise cuz i was a bad rhymer b4.. now im a bit better ^^