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Thread: Song: Lost Without You

  1. #1
    Senior Member Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Song: Lost Without You

    *Disclaimer: NOT based on a true story.*
    Lost Without You

    You left me broken on the floor sitting on your step beside your door
    Yearning to have another taste of the sweet drug you make
    Another tear drop is in my hand
    It’s cold and alone just like I am
    We’re perfect, can’t you see?
    What more do you want from me?

    You tore my heart into shreds and you’re a pain inside my head
    You make me want to scream but you’re the man of my dreams
    You push me down and let me hurt but my lesson won’t be learned
    You torment me so but still I find a certainty and always will
    It’s sad but it’s true
    I’d be lost without you

    There’s only so much that I can take but each time I raise the stake
    A side of me tells me to hate you but that’s something I can’t do
    And I probably never can
    It’s hard for some to understand
    How I can take so much pain and keep returning like I’m insane

    You wound me and let me bleed
    You watch me frown and smile at me
    I know you really love me inside
    I see it when I look into your eyes
    I’m afraid of this irresistible fear
    And every time I see you hereI feel I can never get away

    I’ll love you forever Whether it’s pain or love you bring
    When I’m with you somehow I feel better
    Even if it sounds like a crazy, stupid thing
    At your side is where I’ll stay

    You left me broken on the floor
    Sitting on your step beside your door
    Yearning to have another taste of the sweet drug you make…
    Last edited by Mysti Queen; 08-16-2007 at 01:58 AM.

  2. #2
    Theomorphic Abomination Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel's Avatar
    Gil
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    Please put this in proper form. It is very hard on the eyes. Then I would be happy to read it.

    EDIT: Now that it no longer hurts my eyes, Here is my opinion.

    Things I liked about it
    Liked the opening. With the exception of the line "It’s cold and alone just like I am". There is really only one problem with this, although it is understandable you are trying to portray imagery of the character/you being alone and having an internal struggle, tear drops aren't cold (kind of meticulous, but just saying). Another thing I like, there is what this guy does and then there is the contrary perception of the character/person blinded by infatuation, you could say. I like how the ending correlates with the beginning. There seems to be a more profound image in this, I would read it over a few times before making criticism.

    Things I think you could improve on
    On one line "There’s only so much that I can take but each time I raise the stake" (another meticulous thing here) but shouldn't that be stakes? Correct me if I'm wrong. Descriptiveness and how well it matches with the overall song/poem and the line is important. Try to avoid adjectives like thing, stuff, and replace it with better vocabulary. Instead of stupid thing, you could say reasoning. Instead of saying you wound me and let me bleed you could say lacerate me and leave me to linger (this is just on the spot but you get what I'm saying), it's not my poem and I am sure you can come up with something way better than what I said. I do however like the simplicity of some lines like "I find a certainty and always will". Also, make sure your lines make sense, it is better to create something logical that does not rhyme than something idiotic that rhymes. All of the lines do seem to make sense for the most part though. All in all nice song.
    Last edited by Azel; 08-16-2007 at 02:47 AM.

  3. #3
    boopaloop! Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys's Avatar
    Gil
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    ...You do realize this isnt in poetry, rite? lol
    making emo kids[/URL] cry since 1998


  4. #4
    Theomorphic Abomination Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel has a reputation beyond repute Azel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dorian Grey View Post
    ...You do realize this isnt in poetry, rite? lol
    Yes, but I just now realized I judged it as such. Oh well...sorry...
    Last edited by Azel; 08-16-2007 at 06:08 AM.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen has a reputation beyond repute Mysti Queen's Avatar
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    Default

    Thank you very much for the critique. I'll keep that in mind.

  6. #6
    boopaloop! Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys's Avatar
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    I meant that it wasn't in the poetry section...

    Im kinda curious if it's supposed to go in there or not, but the poet decided to ignore me... (my comment was to them, not you...)
    making emo kids[/URL] cry since 1998


  7. #7
    Junior Member Advent Hunter will become famous soon enough Advent Hunter's Avatar
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    Default

    That was good, it's simple but complex at the same time.

    My only (minor) corrections though
    You push me down and let me hurt but my lesson won’t be learned
    I think that there should be a coma between hurt and but to make the latter part of it more dramatic but that's just me.

    you hereI feel
    You should space here and I

    finally.
    I’ll love you forever Whether it’s pain or love you bring
    I'm not sure if the "Whether it's..." part is supposed to be in another line or you've mistakenly capitalized whether. Though I think it would be better if it's on another line.

    great lyrics.

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