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Thread: To stop it.

  1. #1
    The lonely wolf Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default To stop it.

    To stop it.

    Here I am frozen and cold
    My fate untold
    Shaking with my knees
    And my heart is just another scattered piece

    What's the source of this sadness
    Where did it go all wrong
    I wanna know what exactly it is
    To sit it out takes too long

    My dried up tears
    Merge with my fears
    Theres nothing to stop it
    And I can't solve it with a healing kit

    Pain the heart
    Makes me feel apart
    All the pain
    It will never disappear in pain

    Oh tortured soul
    With the feeling of a doll
    With those eyes of you
    To find the answer with those eyes is something you never will do

  2. #2
    at your service ♥ Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san has a reputation beyond repute Shia_san's Avatar
    Gil
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    Wink ...

    nice poem! i love it. (<sigh> i wish i could write poetry) anyway, keep posting!!!!

    sig by me.......

  3. #3
    Broken Spirit and poet BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul has a reputation beyond repute BlazingSoul's Avatar
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    Default

    Awesome poem train. Your're really good at this.
    "As the blood starts to boil, the flow of crimson splendor will act like a flood" ~R

  4. #4
    Serenith's pet Crocodile Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    I'm getting really sick of seeing all these posts that don't contribute anything to the threads. "It was good" and "Good poem" are NOT accepted.

    As for the poem itself, it seems that you have finally corrected most of your grammar related mistakes. Your poems, however, still have me on the "meh" side of things.
    Sig by -Ookami-, thank you Ookami!

    Elder Scrolls Oblivion: A Tale Retold

    http://www.animeforum.com/showthread.php?t=94454

  5. #5
    Senior Member Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome! has a reputation beyond repute Niome!'s Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    Apparently Simon (Ichiro) expressed his opinion now I will on your, stage performance...

    You begin the first paragraph wonderfully, you should someone interested right away. The 2nd paragraph is gloomy, touching not as rhymeful as the beginning but its telling the story not making it more "mystical" I'd say with chaining words. You've stretched us on a fine platter...

    So on - this is were you screwed up your life savings mister.

    Quote Originally Posted by TrainHeartnet
    Pain the heart
    Makes me feel apart
    All the pain
    It will never disappear in pain
    You used pain three times thats repetitive enough and not so much as it is, its context isn't that good with it either.

    "All the pain" doesn't rhyme with "It will never disappear in pain" nor does it make any logical sense, your not implying any unrealistic background behind it so therefore a bad case of bad words.

    Quote Originally Posted by TrainHeartnet
    My dried up tears
    Merge with my fears
    Theres nothing to stop it
    And I can't solve it with a healing kit
    The beginning is interesting and neat, now stop it and healing kit supposedly are your ending words that express the most of out of the poem, however, they don't even rhyme and healing kit ruins the paragraph because:

    1. No relationship with the rest of the poem, I couldn't imagine medicine being applied to emotional agony. At least not in your world, mine however...

    2. It doesn't rhyme with the rest of the paragraph, its also bland and:

    3. Its not a word anyone can relate to nor make easy sense of, its best that you rhyme with one word and only one word in a chain.

    Quote Originally Posted by TrainHeartnet
    Oh tortured soul
    With the feeling of a doll
    With those eyes of you
    To find the answer with those eyes is something you never will do
    I take the second sentence is "With those eyes of yours" as an spelling error.

    This ending sounds to gibberish, non-coherent and confusing to if I already said that. I can't figure out who's eyes are who's because You feel like a doll yet your implying as if its somebody else's am I correct?

    I would suggest entirely dismissing this last paragraph and rewriting something because I truly think you don't know what you're trying to say. And that is the hardest part about writing poems is if it doesn't what you know what, what you've felt or are feeling than its extremely hard to conjure material up and properly draw it out.

    But anyway, I would rewrite it like:

    "Oh tortured soul, I am burning in this choking hole, my spiritual mind is weighing like a damn doll with those eyes of yours."
    "To find the answer with those eyes is something you will never find."

    What I bolded is what I added. I personally didn't like my rewrite since the last sentence is hard to appliance with the rest I've found, its not to my taste to...

    Overall you've put in alot of effort and with good effort theres a reward hopefully of trying harder and correcting your mistakes.

    Now your fifteen TrainHeartnet, the best thing to do with your creative self is ask your English teachers and favorites to read over your poems, try to pump some steel into them and make them longer, more coherent, less mind-numbling trying to decipher sentences that is a good thing but really don't make sense, cetera. Have an adult supervise your material and it should surely improve, just hope to pick the right, honest and knowledgeable ones...

    Now my opinion is it is decent but it can be better if you take my advice.
    Last edited by Niome!; 08-14-2007 at 08:26 AM.
    "Gotta take the good with the bad, smile to the sad, love what you got and remember what you had." - Project Pat

  6. #6
    The lonely wolf Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star's Avatar
    Gil
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    To hard to ask a English teacher no one in real life knows I even make these. No ones interested anyway. ^^ I just keep going on even if they are sloppy. It's just a hobby. Still thanks for your advise. I will try to do something with it. But first I need to sort things out with myself. Thanks a lot btw.

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