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Thread: Original Fiction: The Guardians

  1. #1
    Member Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster's Avatar
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    Default Original Fiction: The Guardians

    Chapter I-The Universe


    In the begginning, there were nine beings of ultimate power, who lived in harmony with each other. Their names were; Mars, Jupiter, Venus, Mercury, Saturn, Pluto, Uranus, Neptune, and Gaia.
    They were happy with each other, until a tenth power just appeared, he called himself Lucifer, and they accepted him, but he didn't accept them, so he turned the powers against one another slowly but surely.
    The beings then decided it would be best to create each their own world, so they each got a planet, ten in all. Although, Lucifer destroyed his right when he got it, and said that the others' would be next.
    So the beings created their worlds into seven different realms, each containing its own Guardian. And over time, Lucifer's threat seemed empty enough, until just this recent year, when he destroyed Pluto compltely.
    The only thing of Pluto that survived were its Guardians, seven of them. And they travelled in the darkness of the universe until they came to a strange planet, created by none other than Gaia herself. The Guardians asked if they could come in, and Gaia being so loving and caring, let them!
    But, they still had the responsibilities of a Guadian, so they went to their appropriate realms, and that's where this story starts. For I'm a Guardian, Vetnes Juiona, and it's not a godd thing having two Guardians in the same realm.


    I sat dazily in class trying to stay awake; "Last night was an all nighter," I mubmled miserably to myself; "Why do those creatures of fire have to be such pains in the......" Then I saw a ruler slap onto my desk, that made me wake up, and lose that urge to go to the bathroom.
    "Mr. Juiona," the teacher grumbled as I tried to gain sense of what just happened; "You need to pay attention! We have a new student today, and I'd hate for you not to know your new study buddy!"
    I looked up in shock; "Study buddy!? You know I study alone, helps me focus! Plus I don's have to be responsible if my buddy fails or not." The teacher shook her finger and glared at me evilly; "Look, you'll like this partner and you'll study with her ok? No buts."
    I looked confused and then asked for her to explain 'her'. "She's a foreign student, she says she comes from somewher far away and that she'd like to get to know you."
    I sighed and then thought of how dorky looking she'd look, but then I saw her walk in, and she was cute. "Class, meet Topnya Serosik." I thought to myself, better not let that face fool me, she could be out to get me in trouble, or worse!She sat down in the seat next to me and she smiled and put out her hand; "Hi, you must be Vetnes Juiona! Nice to meet you!"
    I put my head down and then thank goodness, the bell rang, for it was the last period. Which just rang in my head, why would they let in a student at such a late time in the school day? I walked home alone through the center of town, and guess who find following me, the annoying new girl, with her red hair and green eyes.
    "Hey! Wait up!" She called to me, but I kept walking, even though she caught up to me faster than anything. "What do you want?" I asked in a moody tone. She asked me if I wanted to go to the park with her and I shook my head very firmly.
    "Ah come on," she said with a cute kitty-cat face, "Ya know you want to!" I stood firmly in front of the bus bench and sat down. "I live in the next down over, that's why I can't go to the park, OK?" The girl blinked rapidly and then asked me if I lived in Snomelc. I nodded and then silence, I sighed a breath of relief.
    "WOOO HOOOO!!!!! WE LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN TOGETHER!!!! ALRIGHT!!!!" I fell over from her scream and then tried to dig in my ears for the pieces of my broken ear drum.
    "Keep it down," I said hurridly, "You're gonna make me go deaf." She shrugged and then sat down right next to me and then I scooched down the bench, and she followed, like a puppy. "WOULD YOU STOP IT?!" She looked at me with an innocent face and asked; "Stop what?" I sighed and then saw the bus was here, then I jumped on it as fast I could.
    I walked to the back of the bus, but saw that she was already back there! "HOW DID YOU GET ON BEFORE ME???????" She pointed to the second door in the bus that said 'Emergency Exit'. "Oh that's swell....." I mumbled confused by her nature of things.
    After a long bus drive, we finally made it back to Snomelc, and I rushed off the bus and ran to my house, where I quickly unlocked the door and jumped inside and locked it again. I plopped down on my bed and sighed. "Let's see if I have any messages." I pressed down the statue on my night stand to reveal a doorway in my closet leading to a void that holds my Guardian Quarters.
    I sat down in the chair and read the magic notebook, unfortunately nothing had come up. Then I heard the alarm and looked into the computer I had put in there. "Uh, a shadow monger in the center of Snomelc? I'm there!" I jumped up and slipped on my armor and grabbed my sword, the Yozurika.
    I ran out to the garage and hopped on my step-dad's motorcycle and turned it on, then I felt it; I sensed a power almost stronger than me. "Let's hope it's not the shadow monger that I'm feeling." I shot out of the garage and in no time was in the center of town, witnessing a great black creature destroying city hall.
    "Hey ugly," I called out mockingly, "Why don't ya pick on something smaller than you?" THe creature threw itself at me, and just as I was going to pull out my sword, the creature was cut in half. I looked and saw a girl in armor just like mine standing there with a thin, long katana.
    "Hey! Who are...." I saw that it was Topnya, and she turned around with her blade drawn; "Looks like I was right!" She called out triumphantly; "You are the guardian of this realm, Vetnes!" I looked at her and yelled back; "So what of it?" She explained with a sort of laughter; "Only one Guardian can be in a realm at a time, and it's gonna be me! So I'm afraid your gonna have to DIE!"
    She ran at me and I pulled my sword just in time to go flying into the concrete. "Ow.......that's gonna leave a mark." She came again but this time I knocked her back and then felt her strength. "I can never beat her! She's too powerful! What can I....." She just barely missed me and sent her sword in a tree, where she couldn't get it back out.
    "Now's my chance!" I ran to my cycle and rode it back to my house, where I jumped off of it and went into my quarters, sealing the entrance as I went in. "This is not good! Not only is she an annoying girl at school, but now she's some bad girl Swordswoman who wants to murder me!!!!!!"
    I put my sword down sat down near the fire place and thought; "There's gotta be a way to power myself up past her level! But how?"
    Who's next? - Bill Goldberg




    thanks Nespa

  2. #2
    LUCKY DUCK Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus's Avatar
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    You know, I started readin the prologue (you should label it as such). The first sentence got me REALLY excited because it seemed very interesting a setting. But as I continued, I saw that you provided very little description about this world, other than briefly explaining a story. I was dissapointed, and only got halfway through the main body of the chapter before I gave up.

    Your sentence structure is atrocious. So many run-ons. Do you know when to use a period and when to use a comma? My goodness...

    Other than that detail (and mind you it's a biggie for readers!), I IMPLORE you for more detailed descriptions! "...the annoying new girl, with her red hair and green eyes..." is NOT a very good description.

    Don't let me discourage you from continuing to write! I can see that you have a good imagination and a great idea, you just need to learn how to use it properly.


    Back, by popular demand! Now with new avy.


  3. #3
    Serenith's pet Crocodile Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani's Avatar
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    It would help if you learned the structure of a novel.

    For example. Most of the time character dialogue and descriptions go in separate paragraphs.

    Like......

    Girl said," Blah blah blah blah blah blah."

    She then did this and that and did that to this etc.

    Other than that, Caper pretty much got it all.
    Sig by -Ookami-, thank you Ookami!

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  4. #4
    I am not short!! FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997's Avatar
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    I like the story line...(every criticism I had was taken...you're lucky lol) I look forward to the next chapter.
    New RP: The Seven


    TY for the gift Nesp

    Random Quote:
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  5. #5
    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Altarsian Swordsmaster View Post
    Chapter I-The Universe


    In the begginning, there were nine beings of ultimate power, who lived in harmony with each other. Their names were; Mars, Jupiter, Venus, Mercury, Saturn, Pluto, Uranus, Neptune, and Gaia.
    They were happy with each other, until a tenth power just appeared, he called himself Lucifer, and they accepted him, but he didn't accept them, so he turned the powers against one another slowly but surely.
    The beings then decided it would be best to create each their own world, so they each got a planet, ten in all. Although, Lucifer destroyed his right when he got it, and said that the others' would be next.
    So the beings created their worlds into seven different realms, each containing its own Guardian. And over time, Lucifer's threat seemed empty enough, until just this recent year, when he destroyed Pluto compltely.
    The only thing of Pluto that survived were its Guardians, seven of them. And they travelled in the darkness of the universe until they came to a strange planet, created by none other than Gaia herself. The Guardians asked if they could come in, and Gaia being so loving and caring, let them!
    But, they still had the responsibilities of a Guadian, so they went to their appropriate realms, and that's where this story starts. For I'm a Guardian, Vetnes Juiona, and it's not a godd thing having two Guardians in the same realm.
    Alright, here goes...

    1) the powers - I had to read it about 3 times to understand that you meant "their" powers. I don't usually point out typos but I think this one might need a little fixing to avoid confusing readers.
    2) rest of the other highlights - I'm no math genius but, but you started with 9 planets, then pluto got destroyed but you're left with 7. I'm not sure if the 8th planet went missing due to plot and if it did go missing, then like Pluto, an explanation needs to be given.

    I don't mean to be harsh but I had to read this several times before I understood what happened due to the missing planet. There was a lot of telling but no showing which made the read a little hard to swallow. You need to show readers the world of planets so that the reader can build a picture in their head. I read this without being able to form any imagery.

    But on the overall, the concept did draw some curiousity from me and I decided to read on.

    Quote Originally Posted by Altarsian Swordsmaster View Post
    I sat dazily in class trying to stay awake; "Last night was an all nighter," I mubmled miserably to myself; "Why do those creatures of fire have to be such pains in the......" Then I saw a ruler slap onto my desk, that made me wake up, and lose that urge to go to the bathroom.
    "Mr. Juiona," the teacher grumbled as I tried to gain sense of what just happened; "You need to pay attention! We have a new student today, and I'd hate for you not to know your new study buddy!"
    I looked up in shock; "Study buddy!? You know I study alone, helps me focus! Plus I don's have to be responsible if my buddy fails or not." The teacher shook her finger and glared at me evilly; "Look, you'll like this partner and you'll study with her ok? No buts."
    I looked confused and then asked for her to explain 'her'. "She's a foreign student, she says she comes from somewher far away and that she'd like to get to know you."
    I sighed and then thought of how dorky looking she'd look, but then I saw her walk in, and she was cute. "Class, meet Topnya Serosik." I thought to myself, better not let that face fool me, she could be out to get me in trouble, or worse!She sat down in the seat next to me and she smiled and put out her hand; "Hi, you must be Vetnes Juiona! Nice to meet you!"
    I put my head down and then thank goodness, the bell rang, for it was the last period. Which just rang in my head, why would they let in a student at such a late time in the school day? I walked home alone through the center of town, and guess who find following me, the annoying new girl, with her red hair and green eyes.
    I liked this part better, more showing which helped balanced the telling.

    Quote Originally Posted by Altarsian Swordsmaster View Post
    "Hey! Wait up!" She called to me, but I kept walking, even though she caught up to me faster than anything. "What do you want?" I asked in a moody tone. She asked me if I wanted to go to the park with her and I shook my head very firmly.
    "Ah come on," she said with a cute kitty-cat face, "Ya know you want to!" I stood firmly in front of the bus bench and sat down. "I live in the next down over, that's why I can't go to the park, OK?" The girl blinked rapidly and then asked me if I lived in Snomelc. I nodded and then silence, I sighed a breath of relief.
    "WOOO HOOOO!!!!! WE LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN TOGETHER!!!! ALRIGHT!!!!" I fell over from her scream and then tried to dig in my ears for the pieces of my broken ear drum.
    "Keep it down," I said hurridly, "You're gonna make me go deaf." She shrugged and then sat down right next to me and then I scooched down the bench, and she followed, like a puppy. "WOULD YOU STOP IT?!" She looked at me with an innocent face and asked; "Stop what?" I sighed and then saw the bus was here, then I jumped on it as fast I could.
    I walked to the back of the bus, but saw that she was already back there! "HOW DID YOU GET ON BEFORE ME???????" She pointed to the second door in the bus that said 'Emergency Exit'. "Oh that's swell....." I mumbled confused by her nature of things.
    After a long bus drive, we finally made it back to Snomelc, and I rushed off the bus and ran to my house, where I quickly unlocked the door and jumped inside and locked it again. I plopped down on my bed and sighed. "Let's see if I have any messages." I pressed down the statue on my night stand to reveal a doorway in my closet leading to a void that holds my Guardian Quarters.
    I sat down in the chair and read the magic notebook, unfortunately nothing had come up. Then I heard the alarm and looked into the computer I had put in there. "Uh, a shadow monger in the center of Snomelc? I'm there!" I jumped up and slipped on my armor and grabbed my sword, the Yozurika.
    I ran out to the garage and hopped on my step-dad's motorcycle and turned it on, then I felt it; I sensed a power almost stronger than me. "Let's hope it's not the shadow monger that I'm feeling." I shot out of the garage and in no time was in the center of town, witnessing a great black creature destroying city hall.
    "Hey ugly," I called out mockingly, "Why don't ya pick on something smaller than you?" THe creature threw itself at me, and just as I was going to pull out my sword, the creature was cut in half. I looked and saw a girl in armor just like mine standing there with a thin, long katana.
    "Hey! Who are...." I saw that it was Topnya, and she turned around with her blade drawn; "Looks like I was right!" She called out triumphantly; "You are the guardian of this realm, Vetnes!" I looked at her and yelled back; "So what of it?" She explained with a sort of laughter; "Only one Guardian can be in a realm at a time, and it's gonna be me! So I'm afraid your gonna have to DIE!"
    The telling came back to overshadow the showing and the imagery left my head once more. Here are some helpful tips :-

    1) Try double spacing your conversations so that we don't miss a line and have to go back and reread a sentence to see where were at.
    2) Reread your work at least once to ensure you have some minor spelling and grammar errors eliminated. A tad too many typos and grammar breakages for my liking. It makes the reading choked up.
    3) Avoid cheesy conversations such as :-
    a)So I'm afraid your gonna have to DIE
    b)Why don't ya pick on something smaller than you?
    Those two lines are way overused.

    But on overall the concept was good and you should develop it in more detail so that we can have a good idea of the world you built inside your head. Use the fact that we've asked for even greater detail as encouragement to take your story deeper. Hope that helped.

    ~*Why don't they get tired, Because they're fools, Don't fools get tired, How can fools get tired?*~ www.hypergraphiansmuse.blogspot.com
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  6. #6
    Corrupted Data Inc. CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon's Avatar
    Gil
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    I had hoped that you'd make this story more descriptive but it's not. Though you have a good imagination, you don't know how to express, especially when there are scenes that are supposed to be funny. Cap pretty much covers everything. Don't be discouraged, you can still improve.

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