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Thread: Original Fiction: Kieidlon Ch. 1

  1. #1
    I am not short!! FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: Kieidlon Ch. 1

    Author's Note: I hope you like this one better becuase It took me a while. Also I'll include a pronouciation key for the exotic names. The Asterics by the names mean they're in the pronouciation key.
    Kieidlon Chapter 1
    Ruio smiled. Her first painting had just sold for an outrageous sum of money. To some collector who had no idea who she was. It was almost funny. But She wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Her cell phone rang. Ruio opened it. "Hello, Ruio Eous, speaking"
    "Ruio, I'm so glad I caught you!" Wrigley Ratazy said.
    ""I'm not coming back" Ruio said.
    --------------------------------------------
    Shadows watched the woman. She was Leifien, or Ruio's sister. She also looked nothing like Ruio. She was tall, blonde, and golden-eyed. Ruio on the other hand had raven-black hair and blue eyes and was very petite. Shadows pondered the difference.
    "Sir?"
    Shadows turned abruptly his dark eyes narrowed, "What do you want, Griberly*?"
    Griberly swallowed convulsively. "I'm ready to make the pull, sir"
    Shadows smiled at his servant in an unnerving way. "Go ahead, Griberly, make the pull. And make it good"
    -----------------------------------------------------
    Ruio glanced around. The shortcut to her sister's house was, granted, not very populated and always very quiet. But, Ruio really wanted to get to her sister. Mikele and his brother, Kekiu*, were having their birthday party. The twins were turning eight. Ruio was beginning to get scared. The alley was dark, and none too pleasant. 'Why did I take this shortcut?' Ruio wondered. Something snapped. Ruio took off running down the alleyway. She slid to a halt. in front of her was possibly the strangest, most beautiful looking door she had ever seen. It was tall and gold. A gilded masterpeice and to her artist's eye, very strange. The pictures seemed to have no rhyme or reason just slapped on at the creator's fancy. The strangest thing of all was that it was floating. Ruio felt drawn to it by an unknown force. Yet, she was afraid. She did not want to touch the door but her body was acting as if it had a mind of it's own. Ruio felt as if she were standing to the side watching, someone else open the golden door. SHe was suddenly filled with a sense of forboding. The door opened. Everything went black Ruio saw no more.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    Ruio frowned the world was so different here. The sky was a rainbow of colors and the ground was lush and green. THe blue-green suns were low in the east, it was morning. Ruio started to run. This world scared her badly. The soft green grass rolled beneath her feet and the rainbow sky blurred together. Shadows watched with amusement. "Welcome to Kieidlon, Ruio, welcome to Kieidlon" He said.
    Through the crystal Ruio ran. Faster, faster...suddenly she stopped and fell.
    "Sir?" Griberly asked quietly. "Would you like me to go meet her?"
    "Yes" Shadows said turning from the crystal. His red eyes gleamed in the darkness. "Go get her, Griberly, and bring her back. Her throne awaits"
    Griberly whimpered and scooted out the door.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ruio woke up. She was sitting underneath a large tree that looked like a cross between a pine tree and redwood. SHe hated it here. She wanted to get back to Liefien, Kekiu, Mikele and Jakob. "I see you're awake"
    Ruio tunred her head surprised, she hadn't seen one human when she first arrived. The one standing before her was as strange as you could get. He wore his reddish-blonde hair in a style that must've been dead since the seventeen hundreds. His tunic and breeches looked like they were from the same era but, he spoke like someone who was from the twenty-first century.
    "My name is Griberly Dremier* the Dreamer" He smiled, for some reason taht smile sent chills through Ruio's body.
    "Wha-What's a Dreamer?"
    "Why, a special type of Wizard, dear lady, a very special type. What is your name?"
    "Ruio Euos" SHe never even thought about lying to this man, even though he was scaring her.
    "Welcome, Ruio Euos, to Kieidlon"
    Ruio stared, she'd figured she wasn't on earth but she'd never even heard of this place. Her heart beat double time. Griberly smiled at her, it was if his beady blue eyes were looking straight at her soul.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Pronouciation Key:
    Griberly: GREE-bear-lie
    Kekiu: Ke-KY-u
    Dremier: Drem-yere (I know not very original)
    Well I realize this one is sort of short too, but it's longer than the first and hopefully more descriptive, but I don't write long, long chapters it gets tedious.
    -FMA997
    New RP: The Seven


    TY for the gift Nesp

    Random Quote:
    "Honey, I know this act: It's called the Tango: Maureen." Mark, Rent

  2. #2
    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
    Gil
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    Ok... I hope you won't take these comments too harshly and that you will, from this, improve your writing skills as writing is a beautiful thing and you shouldn't lose it if you have a passion for it....

    Having said that, your story is rather disjointed... It started off with what seemed like a real life setting having an art gallery and an art piece sold off by the main character....

    But then, suddenly I find a whirl of occurences that don't quite fit or flow and at the end the character is no longer on earth? It all seems perculiar not to mention that the whole explanation for how it all happened was so vague that I didn't really understand what you had attempted to convey altogether...

    Tip : Write your story plot in points down first before joining these pointers up in full fledged descriptive sentences... with that you'd be able to see further which direction you're heading... hope this helps Happy writing...

    ~*Why don't they get tired, Because they're fools, Don't fools get tired, How can fools get tired?*~ www.hypergraphiansmuse.blogspot.com
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  3. #3
    Corrupted Data Inc. CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon's Avatar
    Gil
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    Nice idea. I won't comment but I'll say that I'm quite disappointed. Anyway, nice try. Try to improve. All the best!

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