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Thread: Original Fiction: Kieidlon

  1. #1
    I am not short!! FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: Kieidlon

    Author's note: This is just something that popped into my head one day while I was doodling it's sort of hard to bend your mind aroudn at times because of all the different places and times surrounding it but I managed to make slightly less vague for you

    ----------------------------------------------
    Prologue
    There is a place inbetween times where worlds and people clash. It is called Kieidlon. The very fabric of time and space is turned upside down in Kieidlon. Nothing makes sense. HAve you heard of the people who seemingly go missing without a trace and everyone assumes they have been kidnapped or killed?
    Not true. They end up in Kieidlon. The land of the lost. Feudal Era kinghts live alongside modern sience engineers in Kieidlon. But this is the story of one woman in particular she lived a normal life up until she was pulled into Kieidlon. Her name is Ruio Eous.
    -----
    Ruio frowned the world was so different here. The sky was a rainbow of colors and the ground was lush and green. If you looked towards the sky instead of seeing one large white-yellow sun you saw two small blue-green ones. Ruio started to run. This world scared badly. The lush green grass rolled beneath her feet and the rainbow sky blurred together. But I'm getting ahead of myself we should start at the beginning. The very beginning.
    Four Days Earlier
    Her boss smiled "You don't wan to leave here, Ruio, you're the best relator we have I've always been very supportive of your amateur artistry but if you're leaving a good job for that....well, Ruio, I'm sorry but I must say that I'm not sure you have the skills to actually make it!"
    Ruio Eous frowned "I have the skills, Mr. Ratazy, I assure I've gotten some of my paintings appraised...I can make it"
    "I never doubted your ability, Ruio, you are ownderful with watercolors, a brush and a canvas. I was worried that you won't be able to stand the demand for your work"
    "I can" Ruio stood up and left Mr. Wrigley Ratazy's office. Maybe, Ruio thought, I can live with my sister for a couple weeks just until my paintings take off...
    While Ruio was thinking of fame and glory someone was planning for her a different course than she could have ever imangined.
    --------
    The man in the shadows steepled his fingers. "She's the next"
    "Sir, why are we taking her out of this time?" his servant asked
    "She's perfect right now...she needs to come to Kieidlon her Aunty Kee is here didn't you know?" Shadows asked.
    "My powers are drained from that last pull we did, sire, I'm not sure I can do it" Servant replied.
    Shadows jumped and grabbed Servant by the neck "I don't care what you say make the pull soon, or it'll be your life in exchange for her, dear Servant"
    Servant's breath was cut off but he managed to make a weak nod. Shadows let his servant slide down the wall. "Good we're on the same page here then"
    Servant scuttled from the room and Shadows returned his black gaze to the chooser. "Ruio Eous, you shall be my Queen or die" He whispered letting his fingers trail over the smooth glass. "Together we and our descendants shall rule Kieidlon...you have greatness in store, dearheart, you have greatness in store"
    --------------
    Ruio held the glass of lemonade up making a great show of inspecting for floaters. "I promise I did not leave floaters, Mikele" She said patting her youngest nephew's head.
    "Alright" Mikele said suspiciously taking his glass back from his favorite Aunt "You'd better not be lying, Aunt Ruio" he said then gave her a grin and skipped off to meet his brother, Kekiu.
    Ruio glanced at her sister, Liefein, "Well?"
    "Alright, Ruio, you can stay as long as you pay rent every week"
    "Thank you" Ruio wrapped her sister in a hug.
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Okay I know it's a littel short but I promise next chapter will be longer...tell me what you think
    --FMA997
    New RP: The Seven


    TY for the gift Nesp

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  2. #2
    Member Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster is a glorious beacon of light Altarsian Swordsmaster's Avatar
    Gil
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    It was great, just make sure to get a lot done next time!
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    thanks Nespa

  3. #3
    LUCKY DUCK Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus's Avatar
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    Quite frankly, that was teh suxors. You made the most common mistakes in writting: not putting enough commas. Your story would make a lot more sense if there were commas where needed. And the storyline itself....lame. The way it was told...elemtary. "If you looked towards the sky instead of seeing one large white-yellow sun you saw two small blue-green ones." Wth? That could have been written with a lot more skill. And fyi, lush is not the only good adjective to discribe grass.

    One last note: if you made the names a little easier to pronounce, it would be much appreciated. While Ruio Eous may look cool, it just hurts my head.


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  4. #4
    I am not short!! FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997 has a reputation beyond repute FullMetalAlchemist997's Avatar
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    Okay first point I realize that I've always had trouble with comas I'm working on it.
    Second point it was supposed to be slightly vague and if you call it elementary fine.
    Third point about the "lush" not being the only good word. I'm sorry if it annoyed you but at the time lush was the only word on my mind and I didn't have a thesaurus on hand. (Also I'm chronically lazy so beware)
    Last one sorry about the names but they are pronouced pretty simply
    Ruio Eous is Rio E-os.
    Wrigley Ratazy?
    Wrigley like the baseball stadium or gum and Ratazy? Ra-tazy.
    Mikele? Michael. It's my counsin's name. Some french spelling I don't know I just felt the need to use it.
    Liefien? Ly-ee-fen
    and Kieidlon? Ky-ee-duh-lon
    Keep in mind this is just the prologue but thanks for the comments. I'll try to keep these in mind next time so I don't feel the need to explain myself again.
    --FMA997
    New RP: The Seven


    TY for the gift Nesp

    Random Quote:
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  5. #5
    Serenith's pet Crocodile Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FullMetalAlchemist997 View Post
    Second point it was supposed to be slightly vague and if you call it elementary fine.
    There's a difference in being vague and it being just lacking quality and detail. If the reader isn't able to get an inkling of what's going on in your so called Prologue, then it isn't a prologue. A prologue is meant to help the reader understand something about the story (As far as I know, at least), and that was not a prologue.

    Also, saying that this is something that just popped into your head is not an excuse. Personally, I'd like to have something that I put here at least readable by the members, and I be personally satisfied with the quality.
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  6. #6
    LUCKY DUCK Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus's Avatar
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    Okay, my post was a bit harsh I realize (saying that it was lame does not really help you), but take into account that it was written after getting a headache from trying to pronounce "Kieidlon". Prologues are meant to enhance understanding, like Ichiro said, so maybe it would be helpful to add the pronunciations of these words. Just a thought. I'm sure ch 2 will be much imporved (try keeping your thesaurus next to your comp).


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