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Thread: Tear

  1. #1
    The lonely wolf Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Tear

    I forgot how to smile
    My last time it was a while
    I can't stop crying
    Even if im trying

    Tears are droping from my face
    I lost my pace
    The pace to live my life
    The goals for what I strive

    Please offer me youre shoulder
    Don't make me feel any colder
    Please let me cry like this
    You dont have to kiss

    But please let me cry
    Help me out together whe try
    Maybe it wil work out
    And then whe can be so proud

    Please save me from this pain
    Please erease this blood stain
    The scar in my heart
    Thats fall a part

  2. #2
    Serenith's pet Crocodile Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    I'm going to go ahead and put this with every post I make in this section.
    I am NOT just going to say that the poem was good if it wasn't, and I won't give credit to where credit isn't due. The way I see this section is like this: People post peotry here so that others can read it and give advice. That's what I'm going to do.
    ____________________________________________
    It doesn't seem to make much sense to me. It kinda seems that this was just thrown together randomly with a very sad emotion to it.


    ON THE POSITIVE NOTE! You seemed to keep a steady metering, though it was getting more and more botched towards the end. ESPECIALLY the last line of the poem, whiched seemed a tad too short for the metering.

    Something else I noticed. Some of those lines that you put in there didn't really match the main idea of the corresponding stanza, and the only thing that really tied it in was the rhyme at the end. Generally in most poetry, each stanza represents a different idea, emotion, taste, etc. As I said, some of those lines just seemed a little out of place.

    You did keep a steady rhyme scheme throughout the poem, though I think you let it hold you back a little bit. Remember, not all poetry has to rhyme, and even if you have a certain rhyme scheme in one stanza doesn't mean that you have to have the same one in the next.
    Last edited by Ichiro Matsuchani; 04-10-2007 at 03:26 PM.
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  3. #3
    Senior Member Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules has a reputation beyond repute Hellsing-Rules's Avatar
    Gil
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    i like it it was from his heart i really like it keep going on writing poems ^.^
    This sigs was made by a girl named ♥Miss.Bun Bun♥

  4. #4
    LUCKY DUCK Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus's Avatar
    Gil
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    I'm with Ichiro on this one. Metering is like the biggest mistake poetry posters in this forum make. And, on top of that, it didn't really feel like there was a flow...like it was just thrown together. To quote a great man:

    "Generally in most poetry, each stanza represents a different idea, emotion, taste, etc. As I said, some of those lines just seemed a little out of place. (Ichiro Matsuchani)"


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