Originally Posted by
Drunken FullMetal
Dedicated to: A woman, Whom has stolen my heart....
A simple yet delicate rose
A rose from which has pain and beauty <-- This line sounds out of place.
A rose from which gives, and takes love <-- You need ending punctuation
A red rose…A passionate one… <--if it's the end of a sentance put 4 dots.
A rose that represents only one…The one who has stolen me, whisked me away…Taken me from my hell…
Taken me from my dark dank place, Given me love, Nourishment, and something to live for..
You should probably put it like this...
A rose that represence the only one,
The one who has stolen me,
Whisked me away and taken me from my hell,
Taken me from my dark dank place,
Given me love, nourishment, and something to live for....
(It just flows better)
A piercing thorn through my heart, ripping it apart. Hmmm try refrasing it.... (example, A painful thorn peirced though my heart...) but put it your OWN way not mine.
Never shall I trust, another who lustsI think this line is great!
For my heart lays tattered and torn this line sounds.... incomplete.
A thorn, like a razor sharp dagger, sliced apart my soul It just doesn't flow here....
Ripped apart my body good
And tore apart my mind good
A soul, I have no longer, for it has vanished in the wind
A heart, I have no longer, for it has been ripped, and torn
A mind, I have no longer, for it has been shattered, and broken
For the one who did this to me, I shall never speak to again Doesn't make sence =S
When this happens, know one will no, for I shall act similar hehe this is funny, it's suppose to be "no one will know" but you switched it around.
But my mind, body, and soul have gone
Gone with the winds of life
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