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Thread: Winds of Life

  1. #1
    Stone Col' Killa' Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Winds of Life

    Dedicated to: A woman, Whom has stolen my heart....



    A simple yet delicate rose

    A rose from which has pain and beauty

    A rose from which gives, and takes love



    A red rose…A passionate one…

    A rose that represents only one…The one who has stolen me, whisked me away…Taken me from my hell…

    Taken me from my dark dank place, Given me love, Nourishment, and something to live for..



    A piercing thorn through my heart, ripping it apart.

    Never shall I trust, another who lusts

    For my heart lays tattered and torn



    A thorn, like a razor sharp dagger, sliced apart my soul

    Ripped apart my body

    And tore apart my mind



    A soul I have no longer, for it has vanished in the wind

    A heart I have no longer, for it has been ripped, and torn

    A mind I have no longer, for it has been shattered, and broken



    For the one who did this to me, I shall never speak to again

    When this happens, know one will no, for I shall act similar

    But my mind, body, and soul have gone

    Gone with the winds of life
    Last edited by Fabala; 07-19-2008 at 01:20 AM. Reason: removed text color
    Blood Dripping from the walls
    Blood Dripping from the halls
    Blood Curtling down your spine
    Blood flowing down the line
    Blood slicing through the air

    Screams like that no one likes
    Screams that shrill through the sky
    Screams that people cannot hear
    Screams that kill when people get near

    A bloody Ax hacks a victim
    A gunshot blows through a persons skin
    A sword slices and dices
    While your love, kills like no other weapon,
    It hurts, It burns, And tortures my soul

    ~$ Blood Assassin $~

  2. #2
    Llama Cheeze Puff Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta's Avatar
    Gil
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drunken FullMetal
    Dedicated to: A woman, Whom has stolen my heart....



    A simple yet delicate rose

    A rose from which has pain and beauty <-- This line sounds out of place.

    A rose from which gives, and takes love <-- You need ending punctuation



    A red rose…A passionate one… <--if it's the end of a sentance put 4 dots.

    A rose that represents only one…The one who has stolen me, whisked me away…Taken me from my hell…

    Taken me from my dark dank place, Given me love, Nourishment, and something to live for..
    You should probably put it like this...
    A rose that represence the only one,
    The one who has stolen me,
    Whisked me away and taken me from my hell,
    Taken me from my dark dank place,
    Given me love, nourishment, and something to live for....
    (It just flows better)


    A piercing thorn through my heart, ripping it apart. Hmmm try refrasing it.... (example, A painful thorn peirced though my heart...) but put it your OWN way not mine.

    Never shall I trust, another who lustsI think this line is great!

    For my heart lays tattered and torn this line sounds.... incomplete.



    A thorn, like a razor sharp dagger, sliced apart my soul It just doesn't flow here....

    Ripped apart my body good

    And tore apart my mind good



    A soul, I have no longer, for it has vanished in the wind

    A heart, I have no longer, for it has been ripped, and torn

    A mind, I have no longer, for it has been shattered, and broken



    For the one who did this to me, I shall never speak to again Doesn't make sence =S

    When this happens, know one will no, for I shall act similar hehe this is funny, it's suppose to be "no one will know" but you switched it around.

    But my mind, body, and soul have gone

    Gone with the winds of life
    Over-all it didn't flow one bit. Not trying to be mean or anything, but I didn't enjoy reading. A few tips... I'm not sure of your age, but do you remember in school (you may still be there) when your writing teacher says, "Make sure the thesis is clear" well, it's the same in poetry... I really don't understand your poem except there is a lot of pain....

    On the good side, I think your use of vocabulary was wonderful! Your conventions where also very good!

  3. #3
    Stone Col' Killa' Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin is infamous around these parts Blood Assassin's Avatar
    Gil
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    >>;; Nice...Killing it...-Coughs.- Did your mom ever teach you curtesy? Or Manners?
    Blood Dripping from the walls
    Blood Dripping from the halls
    Blood Curtling down your spine
    Blood flowing down the line
    Blood slicing through the air

    Screams like that no one likes
    Screams that shrill through the sky
    Screams that people cannot hear
    Screams that kill when people get near

    A bloody Ax hacks a victim
    A gunshot blows through a persons skin
    A sword slices and dices
    While your love, kills like no other weapon,
    It hurts, It burns, And tortures my soul

    ~$ Blood Assassin $~

  4. #4
    Llama Cheeze Puff Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta has a reputation beyond repute Vendetta's Avatar
    Gil
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    I actaully don't know what courtosey is (I know it's something posotive though) and manners, yes I have them. But, what I was doing is called constructive critism. I guess I'm the only one on this forum that APPRECIATES tips. I'm sorry, But I mean I just didn't understand the poem.... AT ALL.... and If you would fix a few things it would be clear as a bell... (I was wondering where did that saying come from? I mean bells aren't even clrea o.O)
    Set made by me
    98% or teens do or have tried pot :: If you're one of the 2% that hasn't post this in your signature::

  5. #5
    Heartless Soul Eater Heartless Soul Eater has much to be proud of Heartless Soul Eater has much to be proud of Heartless Soul Eater has much to be proud of Heartless Soul Eater has much to be proud of Heartless Soul Eater has much to be proud of Heartless Soul Eater has much to be proud of Heartless Soul Eater has much to be proud of Heartless Soul Eater has much to be proud of Heartless Soul Eater has much to be proud of Heartless Soul Eater's Avatar
    Gil
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    its ok i like it

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