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Thread: I Couldn't

  1. #1
    Dai DN Angel koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default I Couldn't

    when i was very young
    before the time that i grew
    i was taught if i tried
    i could do anything i wanted to do

    i grew up
    and as time passed by
    i quickly learned
    that that was a lie

    i couldn't speak in a crowd
    i couldn't stop being shy
    i couldn't stop destiny
    we're all going to die

    i couldn't swim
    drive or ride a bike
    i couldn't make friends
    as easily as i'd like

    i couldn't help but feel
    everything i did was wrong
    i couldn't help but feel
    that i didn't belong

    i couldn't help but be depressed
    doing my final high school year
    as if i would be forgotten
    as if i was never here

    as i walked into english class
    i couldn't help but look
    at the girl who sat next to me
    my head and heart shook

    we quickly became friends
    i went everywhere she went
    i couldn't imagine how much
    her friendship meant

    i couldn't understand
    why she understood me
    she knew who i was
    and who i wanted to be

    i couldn't imagine what
    we went through that year
    we became close friends
    with moments to me so dear

    how did she feel about me
    does she really care
    she couldn't possibly think of me
    the same way i thought of her

    i couldn't believe that
    her date for the prom was me
    for the first time in a long time
    i could say i was happy

    i couldn't believe
    i was graduating today
    and after the ceremony
    she and i our separate ways

    i had chosen a college
    and with some crazy fate
    she had chosen a college
    outside of the state

    the thought of leaving her
    made me want to break down and cry
    but i kept my composure
    and we said our goodbye

    i haven't seen her since
    and i miss her very much
    i'd do anything to catch
    a glimpse or a touch

    i will always regret
    the one thing i wanted to do
    i couldn't tell you then
    but i love you
    Last edited by Fabala; 07-19-2008 at 01:14 AM. Reason: removed text color


  2. #2
    Serenith's pet Crocodile Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    Those rhymes seemed terribly forced, and it seemed to flow in a very simple manner. You have the basics of poem writing now, you just have to take it to the next level. Sorry that I'm being harsh, but I have written a bit of peotry myself (None of them are posted here, I haven't gotten to doing that), and I'm just giving some advice.

    Instead of just keeping it to the a-b-a-b rhyming scheme, try mixing it up a bit. Make it a a-b-b-a, for example and for the sake of keeping it simple. Otherwise, it's not a bad poem, and I give you a thumbs up overall.
    Sig by -Ookami-, thank you Ookami!

    Elder Scrolls Oblivion: A Tale Retold

    http://www.animeforum.com/showthread.php?t=94454

  3. #3
    Dai DN Angel koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip has much to be proud of koikazeflip's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    thanks for the advice..

    yea.. im not really good with poetry.. this was more of a one time poem..

    but again.. thanks for the advice..


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