Here are a few funnies that I've recieved in e-mails and on other message boards lately. Please. Enjoy. ^_^ (don't laugh too hard)
9 Things I Hate About Everyone:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for
the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the
hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask
where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their butt to
search the entire room for the tv remote because they
refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your
cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake
if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you
look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep
looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who
and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see
that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and
stare at the damned floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"....
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is
it? If it's new, then there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement, then there must
have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hey??
Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What
can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks
"Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be
Did You Know...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....................)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
13 things to do at wal-mart:
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and see what happens.
3. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
4. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
5. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
6. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
7. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose
8. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
9. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
10. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
11. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
12. When an announcement come over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
and last, but not least!
13. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Hope it was funny and I also hope I wasted about 30 minutes of your time... ^_^ just kidding... but not really! XP