Everyone has their horror stories when it comes to RPing... but lets face it, players say the damnest things! Every table has its great quotes that had everyone in stitches for hours. I figured I'd share some with you that I've found posted from time to time across the net. Feel free to add your own.
Princess Minako: *growls because you're just trying to start drama* don't spam your own thread with OT crap. :P
DM: There are three artifacts in a glass case.
Thief: What are they?
Paladin: I detect evil.
DM: The first is a crown made from the skull of some beast, and it's covered in blood and strange dark runes. Evil. The second artifact is a scepter shaped like a black widow spider. Evil. The third artifact is a necklace made of human hair, bloody teeth and the bones of a small child.
Thief: Strangely enough, neutral.
Gnome Barbarian: My dead war pony deserves a proper burial. I cut him into pieces and stuff him in my bag of holding until I can bury him at a later time.
Paladin: Ok, Auren is a little creeped out now.
Gnome Barbarian: Then I rip the jawbone off his skull and wear his head like a helmet.
DM: OK, Abelle (the Lawful Good cleric) is also a little creeped out now.
Gnome Barbarian: This from someone who lusted after a sadistic Duergar murderer?
DM (as Abelle): That was different...
DM: The guards demand that you hand over all your weapons and magical devices.
Thief/Mage: You wouldn't deprive an old man of his walking staff.
DM (as guard): Nice try, mage. Hand it over.
Thief/Mage: Fine, fine.
DM (as guard): All of it.
Thief/Mage: You wouldn't deprive an old man of his... Cloak of the Arachnid.
DM (rolling): You find... A ring of three wishes...
DM (rolling): ...with one wish left on it.
Thief/Mage: Mine. I grab it and put it on.
DM: You realize that Lazarus (the archmage) is going to take that away from you. It's his job to prevent powerful magics from falling into the wrong hands.
Thief/Mage: I wish that Lazarus would just leave us alone.
(moment of silence)
Thief/Mage: <obsenity censored to please the forum monkeys>
Roscoe Chubbywater, undead halfling: You slew me 25,000 years ago, Ahlrid! Now, I have come to take revenge for me and my dark masters.
(Ahlrid casts a telekinesis spell on the undead halfling which takes his body to a height of 100 feet...then drops the halfling, who goes splat against a cobbled road)
Ahlrid: You know, I think he had the wrong guy...it's kinda sad, really
Joe: "I have a small plan."
Will: "A small plan?"
Joe: "Usually my big plans get me in trouble, so I'm hoping a small plan won't."
Chris: "I summon an Earth elemental.."
Will: "It appears."
Chris: "Does it kill me?"
Will: "Not instantly."
"How about things that make vast quantities of fire?" -Benjamin
"It's called 'wood'." -Adelaide
GM: As you enter the kitchen of the old mansion, you find an old wood stove.
White Mage: Wouldn't that be dangerous? It'd light itself on fire.
GM: ...as in it uses wood for fuel.
White Mage: Oh.
In a Dr. Who game...
Player 1: What's in the room?
GM: Gardening Tools and an axe.
Player 1: An axe?
GM: Yeah, a space axe.
Player 1: What's a space axe?
GM: Well, it has a light on it that let's you know it's on.