Hatsukoi Shoujo - Shiina Ringo

[Rei]

First-Love Prostitute (I dunno about the title lol, but that's supposedly what it means sooo)

[1]I'm looking at a beast
Born of mystery
Now, I'll turn the joy at finding what I was looking for into a song
Reach--
"I want to know your name
Ah, so that I'll surely be able to call you by it someday."

[2]I, who knows
nothing of mystery
Feeling guilt, I'll turn my excuses into a song
For example--
"I want to hear your heartbeat
Ah, always, even from afar."

"I want to read your point of view
Ah, before today escapes me
I want to call your name
Ah, somehow, don't shun me."

Kanji:

神秘で出来た
美しい獣を観る
捜していたものを見つけた悦びをいま唄に代えよう
届いて
”あなたの名前を知りたい
嗚呼きっといつか呼べます様に”

神秘は識らない
己が奇跡だとは
後ろめたい気持ちのわたしは言い訳も唄に代えよう
例えば
”あなたの鼓動を聴きたい
嗚呼ずっと遥か遠くからも”

”あなたの視点を読みたい
嗚呼今日が逃げてゆく前に
あなたの名前を呼びたい
嗚呼どうかあなた疎まないで”

I'm mostly not too sure about parts [1] and [2] - something about the phrasing bothers me, and I'm not sure if I've interpreted them correctly. The rest of it is also up for any suggestions anyone might have (:

[Haze~]

>Now, I'll turn the joy at finding what I was looking for into a song

"Joy of finding", might work better for you.

>[2]

I'd just like to point out you seem to have left out a line there (己が奇跡だとは). xP
Maybe that's what caused the phrasing to bother you?

[Rei]

>[2]

I'd just like to point out you seem to have left out a line there (己が奇跡だとは). xP
Maybe that's what caused the phrasing to bother you?

Yeah, I'm not too sure how to link that part in with what's before and after it. >_<

[Haze~]

Ah, well, since だとはmost likely refers to 識らない:
"Mystery isn't aware of the fact that it's a miracle.", or something.
I'm also guessing that's what she feels guilty about...?

[EJTranslations]

In the first two lines, you've left out 美しい.

What do you think 届いて is addressing/referring to here--what does she want to reach the person she's talking to? I think it's the song in the previous line, and if I were translating this song I'd probably try to make that clearer, but you would have to get significantly wordier than the Japanese version, so I understand if you'd rather not.

English grammar nitpick: "I, who know..."

Notice that it's 言い訳も, which changes the nuance from that of the equivalent line in the previous stanza--I miss those particle switches all the time, but they can be pretty meaningful.

どうか can also mean "please," or I guess you could say its "somehow" meaning can take on a pleading quality--"if there's any way you could..." Anyway, that's how it's being used here.

[Rei]

In the first two lines, you've left out 美しい.

Ah, I can't believe I missed that and 「も」 out. >_<

What do you think 届いて is addressing/referring to here--what does she want to reach the person she's talking to? I think it's the song in the previous line, and if I were translating this song I'd probably try to make that clearer, but you would have to get significantly wordier than the Japanese version, so I understand if you'd rather not.

Yeah, that's the feeling I get when listening to the song as well- I kinda assumed that people would know? But I guess you're right, it does look kind of weird on its own. I thought of using 'Please reach', but that might be taking too much liberty with it.

どうか can also mean "please," or I guess you could say its "somehow" meaning can take on a pleading quality--"if there's any way you could..." Anyway, that's how it's being used here.

Yep, I'll try to make it more apparent- will incorporate that quality more strongly in there somehow.

Thanks for all the help, guys!