Lucky star (must read)

**KLL** · 12-29-2014 10:21 AM

RANT!!

In the year 2007 A.D., a fire was brewing in the Kyoto Animation studio. Fresh off the success of Haruhi Suzumiya and smelling of farts and ramen-scented body odor, the staff of KyoAni developed an ingenious plan to further milk countless wads of cashmoney from pathetic losers and pedophiles on both sides of the pacific: take a popular 4 panel comic series ripe with the elements that made Suzumiya a financial success (pandering to shut in anime fans with lolicon action figure collections and terabytes of hentai) and turn it into an equally horrendous anime series. After spending tireless hours handcrafting only the stalest jokes, the blandest artwork, and the most mindnumbingly boring scripts in Japanese television history, Yushiro Takemoto opened his anus and took a massive sh!t onto a nearby Tokyo sidewalk. Millions gawked at the magnitude of his feces: proportions this great hadn't been seen since U2 released the waterboarding-like torturefest that was "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" in 2004. Once Norwegian scientists had been given proper time to mass, perform tests on, and take pictures with said sh!t, Takemoto was told he needed to give it a name. He chose Lucky Star.

Much like those gag electric shock pens you gave out to your friends as a prank in the 4th grade, Lucky Star tricks you into watching it under the guise that it's a "comedy", but in reality it's less of a laugh-fest and more of an exercise in sadomasochism. Half-way through the first episode I was convinced that having to watch this must be the wrath of a vengeful God, intent on punishing me for my past missteps and failures. By episode 2 I had been reduced to a vegetable, as the show had literally sucked all the energy from me. By episode 9 this condition became chronic, as I had turned my once-lovely living room into a wasteland and my once clean underwear into a net for catching the diarrhea that seeped from my petrified assho!e. By episode 16 I had gathered enough energy to attempt suicide. After a short recovery stint in the hospital, I was put on anti-depressants and bear tranquilizers, and sooner or later I told my therapist that I needed to conquer my demons once and for all and finish this series. He approved, but only on one condition: that I watch it with him present in the room. I tried to talk sense into him, but he insisted that "he's seen a lot of things in his time, alot of them a lot worse than anything a Japanese cartoon could throw at him."

He later shot himself in a Staples parking lot.

To put it plainly, Lucky Star is the antithesis of entertainment. There is nothing funny, clever, witty, or remotely interesting about the show. Weeab00 faggots will desperately try to convince you that this series is a comedic masterpiece and a pinnacle of artistic achievement, but as the first five minutes clearly establish, this couldn't be farther from the truth. Lucky Star is only revolutionary in how much it's able to bore anyone that isn't a drooling frellstick with social anxiety disorder---you will truly think that this anime transcended time and space to deliver you a universe-shattering kick in the nuts, unless you find Meet The Spartans type reference jokes funny and obviously pre-pubescent anime girls hot, in which case you will love this show like the frelling loser you are. Many have compared this show to Seinfeld because the two share a "show-about-nothing" approach to narrative storytelling, but this is where all logical comparisons end. Seinfeld is a groundbreaking TV series about the hilarious exploits of a group of really big assholes in New York. Lucky Star is a show about the various non-incidents in the lives of a bunch of "this-is-what-anime fans-wish-girls-were-like" high schoolers that have dull-as-frell conversations, fit neatly inside cliche archetypes without ever evolving, and make a lot of cringe-worthy pop culture references.

But pure shittiness alone is not enough to propel this anime to the bottom-of-the-barrel status it's currently at. What really gets me about Lucky Star is just how much the "FEED ME MORE MONEY" attitude of Kyoto Animation leaks into the actual production. Every time I endure a painfully boring discussion about some every-day life topic, another unfunny Lucky Channel skit, the explanation and, in turn, ruination of what otherwise would've been a passable joke, or some reference to Haruhi/[insert video game and/or anime here] it brings me back to the actual intended purpose of this series. The characters, situations, and jokes are all purposely written to be engaging to shut-in dorks who spend most of their lives watching anime, playing video games, and posting on internet message boards. It's the hollowest anime I've ever watched; it soullessly and maliciously appeals to people who are too pathetic to realize that they're being pandered to for cash---if you paid money to see any part of this show and AREN'T one of these people, you will walk away from the experience feeling like someone shot you in the knees and proceeded to steal your house, car, identity, and wife. It's an anime designed to be watched amongst anime club meetings filled with people who force out dry heaves of laughter so they can feel like they fit in with everyone around them, and on projector screens at anime conventions filled with freaks dressed up as animals and Sailor Moon characters. This show was not created out of passion, or a general love for the medium, or an actual belief that the show would be funny, it was created to exploit the lowest common denominator of anime fans for a quick buck. It's taking money from people who don't know any better, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth and takes away any respect you might've had for anyone involved in making the series.

Lucky Star's art is sickeningly sweet moe-trash. For a studio that is clearly focused more on animation than story, the level of mediocrity shown here is unacceptable. At least when I watched that shitheap Haruhi Suzumiya I could compliment aspects where it was clear that an effort was made to produce a quality product---here, we have a prime example of the new-age, assembly style artwork that is plaguing modern anime. With our huge advantages in technology, one would think that the seemingly limitless possibilities would spark breathtaking results, and while we have seen glimpses of that (i.e. 2009's Summer Wars), most of what has prevailed in the industry has been streamlined, sterilized, and soulless.

I do have to give the anime props in the sound department, however. The OP is probably the most engaging part of the entire show, as each time you hear it you will be pumped for what has to be the episode where the series starts to pick up. Although it never does, I can't fault the OP for giving us hope. The various EDs run the gauntlet in terms of quality, but overall they're a nice break away from the mouth breathing dynamics that are the actual show. As for the voice actors, they all came and turned out respectable performances, giving the show at least one bearable quality in between credits. This is one of the few anime that I watched subbed however, so I have no idea if the American VAs are any good.

The fact that people say they can relate to characters on this show is frightening. They literally amount to little moeballs stuffed with every possible high-school girl cliche the writers could dig up, and never develop past that point. Konata, however, is not only that, but something much, much worse. While the rest of the characters seek to appeal to the section of the anime market that fawns over overt cuteness, Konata is an interesting look at how far an animation studio will go to squeeze money out of otaku facks. She was created solely so weeab00s would have someone on the cast they could identify with, and keeping in tune with Kyoto Animation's opinion of their viewers, she's painfully one-dimensional. Her hobbies include video games, anime, and being a lady. That's it. Unfortunately, not much else can be said about the rest of their characters either. Miyuki is the intellect of the group, but she's also moe. Tsukasa is the shy one, but she's also moe. Kagami is the fiery tsundere, but she's also moe. At the very least, when you give a one line description of Seinfeld's characters, you're leaving out a lot of character information. They may not really change as time progresses, but you certainly learn a lot more about them. In Lucky Star, one line descriptions define our characters for the entire show. There's more character development on an episode of Cops than there is here.

As I reached the end of the final episode, I turned to my therapist who was, at that current moment, sobbing into my shoulder due to sheer, unfettered boredom. His bloodshot eyes looked up at me and as I looked down at him with a mix of pity and remorse, I could see his lips faintly whisper out "save me". As the girls geared up their cheerleading performance of the opening song, I could see his last glimmer of hope, of faith in humanity, slip away from him and float towards the abyss.

He thought he could save me.

I refuse to believe that Kyoto Animation could, as they watched over the series for the last time before officially releasing it, say with complete honesty that this series was not only acceptable for public consumption but also legitimately enjoyable. It's possible to relish in a show's badness if you're able to respect the sincerity of the people that made it. It's why I love movies like The Room and Batman and Robin, and it's why I think Mars of Destruction deserves to be shown nightly on HBO. However, when something this bad is actually just a cruel joke at the expense of a bunch of anime fan faggots, the insincerity of it all taints what could've just been a run of the mill bad show and turns it into something mean-spirited and unlikeable. I don't think otaku realize that this show isn't actually celebrating the things they love, it's passive-aggressively making fun of them and their interests, and they're actually paying to have it happen to them in real time. Has this community sunk so low that even the people making this grozit can get away with calling you all frelling losers? At what point will you stop yelling "FEED ME MORE MOE GIRLS" and start clamoring for real, quality entertainment? Don't you want to know what it feels like to laugh without having to force it out?