AnimeGalleries [dot] NetAnimeWallpapers [dot] ComAnimeLyrics [dot] ComAnimePedia [dot] ComAnimeGlobe [dot] Com


User Tag List

+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Cyberpunk Fantasy part one revised

  1. #1
    Existence is futile Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy's Avatar
    Gil
    53,582,260.59
    Gender
    Gifts V Guitar Electric Guitar Black Guitar
    Mentioned
    177 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    05-17-2016 07:49 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Location
    the gutter
    Age
    26
    Threads
    61
    Posts
    4,285
    Blog Entries
    27
    Rep Power
    844
    Gamer IDs

    PSN ID: gurutar Steam ID: gurutar2015

    Default Cyberpunk Fantasy part one revised

    Author's note: except for the first couple paragraphs, this first part has been almost completely rewritten. Since I added so much, this first part doesn't get as far into the story as my first draft because of size constraints. The first draft of part two is written, and I'll post the second draft when it's done. Now here, read this grozit:

    Further note for animeforum: i'm not going through and changing all the curse words

    edit: the formatting was lost in translation.

    --
    Erfurt, Germany. 2115. The GRUR summit was being held in the Theater Erfurt, and roughly 200 dignitaries from several nations were gathered there. The theater was at the head of a road in the center of town, with a cross street running in front of it. Tall buildings surrounded the theater, which was relatively short - three stories. There was a fleet of black helicopters on the roof of the theater, each bearing insignias of different heads of state. A sheath of fluffy, loose snow covered most surfaces, and more drifted lazily from an overcast sky. Traffic was light outside the theater, both vehicular and pedestrian.
    DSP was running security from the shadows, putting no grunts in the area to maintain an air of peace. The dignitaries all had their own bodyguards, and the Chancellor didn't want them feeling on edge with an overbearing national police force. DSP Section 6 operatives were on rooftops surrounding the theater.
    Alexis Lindemann sat on her haunches overlooking the street from the roof of the theater, her elbows resting on her legs and her hands hanging loosely between her thighs. She scanned the street using her augmented vision, zooming on faces and using facial recognition software to run cursory background checks. She was alert, as always, ready for anything to unfold.
    She'd been the commander of Section 6 for nearly a decade, and lived for her job. With few material possessions and fewer friends, she instead focused her considerable talent on her work.
    Her body was totally relaxed, ready to react on reflex and instinct to any perceived threat. Her short black trenchcoat ruffled around her body in a slight breeze. It was thin and by no measure a winter coat, but Alexis had turned her pain receptors off, and her cybernetic body didn't shiver.
    Parking ticket... No record... No record ... her background check software listed each record as she shifted her vision from person to person. Just then, Richard Zecks' voice came over her neural comm.
    Hey, boss, finding any suspicious persons? Should I break it out?

    Sorry. Nothing out of the ordinary.

    grozit. I need to christen this thing. Nobody with a shoot-on-sight order?

    Alexis' mouth turned up in a nearly undetectable grin. Richard seemed to be the only one able to coax one out of her.
    Focus on the mission, Zecks, she said, not unkindly.
    Richard grunted laughter. Sure, boss.
    Alexis zoomed out and glanced at Richard, who was on the roof of a building opposite the theater on right side of the road. He was leaning against a brick chimney, a comic book, or what he called "manga", held before him in one hand. He was in his mid thirties, just as Alexis was. His build was slender yet strong and he was dressed in snow pattern camouflage pants and a black, long sleeve shirt.
    Alexis zoomed on his deceptively youthful face. The background check software did its work. Speeding, speeding, illegal lane change and reckless driving. Alexis wondered vaguely if he'd gotten those on his motorcycle. Of course those were only after he joined Section 6 - your records were expunged if you were accepted.
    Alexis supposed Richard had a much more extensive history than her software suggested. His encyclopedic knowledge of heavy arms and street-wise demeanor told her that he hadn't spent his early years in the academy, nor had he risen through the ranks for a chance at his current post. She'd never asked about his past, nor he of hers. Alexis had known him since he joined eight years ago, and in that time they had formed a sort of alliance in lieu of a friendship. He fed something in her with his childish acceptance - no one else took interest in her the way he did. They had never met outside of work, but both understood they could count on each other if they needed to.
    Alexis switched the software off and glanced across the street from Richard at the roof a deli. Positioned there was Finster and Links. Finster was lying prone at the edge of the roof, looking through the scope of his .50 caliber anti-material rifle, down at the street.
    As opposed to Richard, Finster had risen through the ranks. He had enlisted in the army by age eighteen and within five years was a sniper in the KSK, and achieved some fame when he ended a hostage stand-off by shooting the gun out of the hostage taker's hand five hundred yards. He stuck with that for only a year before being accepted into DSP Section 6. Alexis thought he'd changed over because he disdained the lime-light of being a world-class sniper and just wanted to do his job. She could relate.
    Links was standing behind him and to his left, smoking a cigarette and looking uncomfortably cold.
    Links.

    Y-yeah, boss?

    Stay focused. If the cold's bothering you, turn your pain receptors down. I need you alert.

    Sure, boss. Yeah... that does help. But doesn't doing this make you less aware of injuries?

    This is your first cybernetic body, right? Section 6 issues advanced combat models that monitor any injuries that affect performance. If you're injured, your life support's diagnotics will alert you and tell you the location and severity in real time.

    Oh... thanks, boss.

    Links was almost too pure for Section 6. Young and idealistic, he'd been a beat cop for two years when Alexis took notice of him. She read in a report that Links had single-handedly eliminated ten armed subjects in a back robbery. He didn't call for back-up, just burst in and started killing. He didn't even have to change magazines on his 9mm, which held fifteen rounds. All ten bank robbers received chest or upper back wounds and died at the scene. He took them by surprise and didn't stop until all were dead. Alexis knew this was uncharacteristic of Links, who at times seemed naive, but to know he was capable of it was all the convincing Alexis needed.
    Alexis watched him chuck the cigarette and walk besides Finster, then take a sitting position similar to her own. He said something to Finster. Alexis was pretty good at reading lips, and it looked like "The boss is a hawk, isn't she?"
    She looked away. A hawk. A predator. That was how most saw her. She wanted to believe she was more than just an instinctual killer, but for the past ten years working for DSP, she had reaped all and sewn nothing. She had no hobbies, no goals, no thoughts of future or past. Her days were consumed by relentless drilling, strategizing, commanding and killing. She'd found a place where she was needed, and it didn't concern her that people had to die for her to keep her place.
    She glanced at the van with Luthor Brothers DJ Rental emblazened on the side. It was parked far down the cross street running in front of the theater. Inside was Hanz Felsch, intelligence officer of Section 6, sitting in front of a terminal and monitoring various local comm signals. Alexis didn't know much about him other than the fact that he could access any database on earth in under ten seconds.
    Felsch.

    Yeah, boss?

    Anything noteworthy?

    Yeah, there's something that caught my eye. There's an encrypted aerial signal approaching the no-fly zone at a pretty rapid click.

    Check it's registry.

    Way ahead of you, boss. It's an old cargo chopper registered to a private chemical company, Hetzer Biotech. The signal is 7 kilometers out, altitude 10,000 feet and rapidly falling.

    Hail it and tell it to divert immediately. Alexis reactivated her background check software and resumed her scanning. She'd been at it for a few minutes when Felsch came back over the comm.
    No response, boss.

    Alexis' hair stood on end and she allowed her mind to clear. The fog of vagrant thought faded and she became a single-minded thing.
    If it comes within the no-fly zone, we go hot.

    You giving me the green light, boss? Zecks sent.
    Affirmative.

    Cool frellin' beans, the HR10 is going on its maiden voyage.

    Finster, get a visual on that -
    Just then her background check software alerted. She was zoomed in on a young man in a black blazer and dark aviators. He was carrying a gym back over his shoulder.
    Terroristic activities, the software reported.
    Alexis zoomed out and quickly glanced around the street. She noticed about ten more people carrying the same brand gym bag. Alexis realized with self-reproach that they'd been there nearly fifteen minutes, looking convincingly pre-occupied.
    Team, look sharp. We've got suspicious persons at street level.

    What? Where? Links.
    Dispersed in front of the theater. All middle age adult males carrying blue gym bags. Links, switch to infrared and tell me what's in them. Hurry!

    Uh, yeah, on it, boss.

    Alexis knew what was in them. She was prepared to do her work.
    She heard the faint whipping of a helicopter in the distance. She looked up and zoomed down the street. She saw the chopper. It was towing something big in a black canvas. Alexis calculated the tarp's dimensions and decided that her team's chances of surviving this routine security mission just dropped significantly.
    Zecks, get your thumb out of your donkey and shoot that chopper down! Alexis sent.
    I'm already locked on. Firing.

    Oh, grozit - boss, they're armed! They've got guns! Links' panicked voice burst over the comm.
    Alexis nodded. Felsch, monitor and catalogue identifiers, report on anything you find. Zecks, keep your new toy loaded, I think that choppers's carrying armor. Links, drop to ground level and engage the subjects. Finster, cover us.
    All responded in the affirmative. Alexis activated her optical camoflauge, rendering her virtually invisible, and stepped off the edge of the building.
    Last edited by Sympathy; 11-13-2013 at 07:43 AM.

  2. #2
    Junior Member IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13 has a brilliant future IzayaOrihara13's Avatar
    Gil
    871.17
    Gender
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    04-23-2015 02:42 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    London, UK
    Age
    21
    Threads
    1
    Posts
    26
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: Cyberpunk Fantasy part one revised

    Ok, so, how is this called? Title?
    You say, formatting was lost in translation, but you should really format it. It's very hard to read. At least, mark the dialogue.
    Also, there is no such thing as "cyberpunk fantasy". Cyberpunk is a sub-genre of sci-fi. Your story is sci-fi, not fantasy.
    The story might be interesting, but you make the standard beginner mistake of "telling, instead of showing". Also, I see you have an idea of where things are going and are trying to create mystery and suspense, but it only serves to make the setting unnecessarily heavy. It might be perfectly clear in your head, but the reader is not in your head.

    Oh, and your chapter should not end there. It was all about preparation for a mission and character introductions. You created a cliffhanger before anything started, before the reader is even interested in your story. I suggest you merge this with chapter 2.
    Last edited by IzayaOrihara13; 03-30-2015 at 05:28 AM.

  3. #3
    Existence is futile Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy has a reputation beyond repute Sympathy's Avatar
    Gil
    53,582,260.59
    Gender
    Gifts V Guitar Electric Guitar Black Guitar
    Mentioned
    177 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    05-17-2016 07:49 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Location
    the gutter
    Age
    26
    Threads
    61
    Posts
    4,285
    Blog Entries
    27
    Rep Power
    844
    Gamer IDs

    PSN ID: gurutar Steam ID: gurutar2015

    Default Re: Cyberpunk Fantasy part one revised

    Quote Originally Posted by IzayaOrihara13 View Post
    Ok, so, how is this called? Title?
    You say, formatting was lost in translation, but you should really format it. It's very hard to read. At least, mark the dialogue.
    Also, there is no such thing as "cyberpunk fantasy". Cyberpunk is a sub-genre of sci-fi. Your story is sci-fi, not fantasy.
    The story might be interesting, but you make the standard beginner mistake of "telling, instead of showing". Also, I see you have an idea of where things are going and are trying to create mystery and suspense, but it only serves to make the setting unnecessarily heavy. It might be perfectly clear in your head, but the reader is not in your head.

    Oh, and your chapter should not end there. It was all about preparation for a mission and character introductions. You created a cliffhanger before anything started, before the reader is even interested in your story. I suggest you merge this with chapter 2.
    this story is well over a year and a half old and i've developed a lot as a writer since i wrote this. in fact, this was one of my very first attempts at writing fiction. so yeah, lots of rookie mistakes. i have no intention of continuing this story. thanks for the advice, but i could have used it, ya know... right after i wrote it.

+ Reply to Thread

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

     

Similar Threads

  1. Cyberpunk Fantasy
    By Sympathy in forum Fan Fiction / Prose
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 11-06-2013, 12:28 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts