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Thread: Danger

  1. #1
    Pretty Girl Swag Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Danger

    Hummingbird heart beating so fast
    Tasting the fear, smelling the hate

    Watch, little bird, for the predator
    Don't get trapped in the illusion

    Fly fast, my dear, do not look back
    Nothing is back there but despair

    Wings scorched and tainted
    Heed my warning baby bird

    Don't let them drag you down
    Soar high into the sky


    My Sun and Stars
    Moon of my life

  2. #2
    Senior Member ms.Purdy has much to be proud of ms.Purdy has much to be proud of ms.Purdy has much to be proud of ms.Purdy has much to be proud of ms.Purdy has much to be proud of ms.Purdy has much to be proud of ms.Purdy has much to be proud of ms.Purdy has much to be proud of ms.Purdy has much to be proud of ms.Purdy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Danger

    Nice ^-^
    But in the end of the poem in my opion you should have added something else...
    =3
    i always feel iike somebodys watching me

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  4. #3
    Pretty Girl Swag Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio has a reputation beyond repute Kleio's Avatar
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    Default Re: Danger

    I know, I was feeling that too. I just can't get it right. The flow doesn't seem right either. The beginning is so strong and then it slowly fades. Actually I think I might like it. I might at to the end how they fail to escape. Then it would flow right. Don't you think?


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  5. #4
    Forever Bound. DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666 has a reputation beyond repute DeathBlade/13.666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Danger

    Overall pretty good, though it seems like it's cut short a bit. In some way's that helps the story, like in this case it adds a sense of bewilderment and uncertainty to the reader over what happened (or might have happened) to the hummingbird. Just some food for thought if you decide to add anything, you my wanna type that sense there at that end.
    Good ol' Dogs never Die, they just keepin on livin' till their time comes.


    I was born in AF Chat, molded by it, I didn't see AnimeForum until a few years after I decided to register my username.

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