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Thread: Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

  1. #1
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    Default Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

    I've translated it, but I'm afraid that I might've misinterpreted some parts. ^^;;

    粉雪が舞う夜なら 涙も隠しやすくって
    On a night when powder snow falls, my tears are hidden easily
    最後は溢れないように 笑った
    So they wouldn’t overflow in the end, I laughed
    そして僕のチューニングは壊れたギターみたいで
    and now my tuning is like that of a ruined guitar’s
    音楽に頼る日々にひどく泣いた
    In the days when I relied on music, I bitterly wept

    オーケストラの中心で 君のいない痛さわかって
    I understood the pain of your absence in the centre of the orchestra
    はじめて僕の心に「歌がない」と気付く
    And I started to notice that there ‘Was no song’ in my heart

    抱きしめていたい 君だけ壊す程に
    I wished under the tree of despair
    絶望の樹の下で願う
    That only you would embrace me, till I am destroyed
    今曲が止まり変わりに月を見れば
    If this song stops now, and I look at the strange moon
    僕は僕は歩けるのでしょうか…?
    Will I, will I, be able to walk…?
    I wish that heart will go on… Uh…
    I wish that heart will go on… Uh…

    どんな綺麗な空より 君のピアノが好きだった
    More than any beautiful sky, I love your piano
    離れるほど気持ちなんて 近づく
    To the point that our separated feelings somehow come closer
    二度と戻ることのない 砂時計を返してる
    The hourglass will never again be able to return things to what they once were
    夢も時も君も全部 凍ったままで
    Dreams, time and you – will all be frozen as they are

    まるでオルフェの竪琴さ グシャグシャになった音は
    The crumpled sound is probably Orpheus’ harp (Not too sure about this...)
    出逢えた今の花にも「何か違う」と叫ぶ
    Even the flower I meet now cries ‘Something's different’

    もう一度声を聞かせてくれませんか?
    Won’t you let me hear your voice once more?
    色褪せない記憶を嘆いた
    I grieve in memories that won’t fade
    眠る場所さえも すべてが遠いけれど
    Even in the place where I sleep, where everything is distant
    今日も今日も 君だけを想うよ…
    Even today, even today, I only think of you…
    I feel that grief will go on…
    I feel that grief will go on…

    言葉なんかじゃ笑顔なんかじゃ祈りなんかじゃ伝わらなくて...
    Even if things like words, smiles and prayers won’t reach…
    描いた明日もぬり絵の過去も メモリーみたいに消えて
    The sketch of tomorrow, the coloring picture of the past, they disappear like memories…
    君という名の手錠なんかにカギはなくてUh…
    The handcuffs called ‘You’ have no key. Uh…
    ストリングスの海で彷徨うAh…
    I wander in the sea of strings Ah…

    この幻想曲(ファンタジア)に終わりをくれませんか?
    Won’t you end this fantasia?
    絶望の樹の下で願う
    I wished under the tree of despair
    嗚呼苦しいほど 切ないメロディーは
    Ah, till it becomes unbearable, this fleeting melody
    キスも恋もピリオドを超えても
    Surpasses kisses, love and even eras
    消えないバラード…Woh…
    A ballad that won't disappear… Woh…
    Last edited by Rei; 10-01-2012 at 11:06 AM.


    「そんな顔をしないで。また会えるよ、シンジ君」
    ---

    もう二度と会えないなんて信じられない
    まだ何も伝えてない
    まだ何も伝えてない


    I'm sorry (not) sorry.

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    Default Re: Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

    Looks pretty good to me! Is this your first translation? If so, I'm impressed! I'm pretty sure my own early efforts were way more of a mess. I've just got a few suggestions, some of which are nitpicky and can be ignored.

    >抱きしめていたい 君だけ壊す程に
    >I wished under the tree of despair
    >絶望の樹の下で願う
    >That only you would embrace me, till I am destroyed

    I feel like using "until" here gives a slightly wrong impression--it makes it seem to me like the embrace and the destruction are unrelated, if that makes sense? Whereas "抱きしめていたい... 壊す程に" implies that she wants to be embraced to the extent that it will break her (or, in more natural English, embraced so hard/so tightly that she breaks... something along those lines).

    >今曲が止まり変わりに月を見れば
    >If this song stops now, and I look at the strange moon

    "変わりに" means "instead", so "If this song stops/I stop singing, and instead I look at the moon..."

    >まるでオルフェの竪琴さ グシャグシャになった音は
    >The crumpled sound is probably Orpheus’ harp (Not too sure about this...)

    "まるで" implies something more along the lines of "seems just like/is just like" than "is probably". Also, stylistic nitpicks: Orpheus's instrument is usually referred to as a lyre in English, and I'm not sure I'd use "crumpled" for グシャグシャ in regards to a sound. "Distorted", maybe?

    >眠る場所さえも すべてが遠いけれど
    >Even in the place where I sleep, where everything is distant

    Take note of the "けれど" and the fact that the "さえも" is in the middle and not at the end--I think the construction of this line is more like "Even the place where I sleep is distant now, but..."

    >嗚呼苦しいほど 切ないメロディーは
    >Ah, till it becomes unbearable, this fleeting melody
    >キスも恋もピリオドを超えても
    >Surpasses kisses, love and even eras

    Again, I feel like "ほど" is less "til" and more "so much that".

    I think that's it--hope that was helpful!

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  4. #3
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    Default Re: Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

    Woah thanks, it's really helpful! Yep, it's my first translation. ^^ Nah, none of it is really nitpicky, they smooth out the flow of the lyrics.

    I feel like using "until" here gives a slightly wrong impression--it makes it seem to me like the embrace and the destruction are unrelated, if that makes sense? Whereas "抱きしめていたい... 壊す程に" implies that she wants to be embraced to the extent that it will break her (or, in more natural English, embraced so hard/so tightly that she breaks... something along those lines).

    Hmm, so something like: 'I wished under the tree of despair / That only you will embrace me to the extent that I break'? You're right, it does sound more natural to write 'embrace me so hard that I break', but I'm not sure if I can put it down since it's not explicitly stated in the kanji... and I'm actually wondering if I should put that first line in front, even, since it comes second in the other stanza, but I was thinking it through and it sounded more natural this way.

    >今曲が止まり変わりに月を見れば
    >If this song stops now, and I look at the strange moon

    "変わりに" means "instead", so "If this song stops/I stop singing, and instead I look at the moon..."

    Yeah, I wrote that at first, just with (...look at the moon instead), but then I second-guessed myself and went to check up on other translations, and thought they made sense. ^^;; Guess I should trust my instincts more.

    "まるで" implies something more along the lines of "seems just like/is just like" than "is probably". Also, stylistic nitpicks: Orpheus's instrument is usually referred to as a lyre in English, and I'm not sure I'd use "crumpled" for グシャグシャ in regards to a sound. "Distorted", maybe?

    That sounds like it'd really fit! Also since the only terms I can find for Gusha Gusha are mostly Crumpled, soggy and mushy (lol); but distorted fits right in with those, too.

    >眠る場所さえも すべてが遠いけれど
    >Even in the place where I sleep, where everything is distant

    Take note of the "けれど" and the fact that the "さえも" is in the middle and not at the end--I think the construction of this line is more like "Even the place where I sleep is distant now, but..."

    Ah yeah, I was somewhat confused about that. I was thinking about how I would express that 'keredo' properly...

    >嗚呼苦しいほど 切ないメロディーは
    >Ah, till it becomes unbearable, this fleeting melody
    >キスも恋もピリオドを超えても
    >Surpasses kisses, love and even eras

    Again, I feel like "ほど" is less "til" and more "so much that".

    Hmm...it fits in really well. I need to learn to remember that.

    Thanks for the help! ^^

    ---------- Post added at 05:51 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:33 AM ----------

    I really feel like editing the credits to the song, so... ^^;;

    http://www.animelyrics.com/jpop/nana...alfantasia.htm

    Lyrics by HIBIKI
    Composed and Arranged by Agematsu Noriyasu (Elements Garden)
    Performed by Mizuki Nana

    The translit is sort of wrong in some parts, and the last line should be split in half.

    ---------- Post added at 06:07 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:51 AM ----------

    konayuki ga mau yoru nara namida wo kakushi yasukutte
    saigo ha afurenai you ni waratta
    soshite boku no CHUUNINGU ha kowareta GITAA mitai de
    ongaku ni tayoru hibi ni hidoku naita

    OOKESUTORA no chuushin de kimi no inai itasa wakatte
    hajimete boku no kokoro ni [uta ga nai] to kizuku

    dakishimeteitai kimi dake kowasu hodo ni
    zetsubou no ki no shita de negau
    ima kyoku ga tomari kawari ni tsuki wo mireba
    boku ha boku ha arukeru no deshou ka...?
    I wish that heart will go on... Uh...

    donna kirei na sora yori kimi no PIANO ga suki datta
    hanareru hodo kimochi nante chikazuku
    nidoto modoru koto no nai sunadokei wo kaeshiteru
    yume mo toki mo kimi mo zenbu kotta mama de

    maru de ORUFE no tategoto sa GUSHA GUSHA ni natta oto ha
    deaeta ima no hana ni mo [nanika chigau] to sakebu

    mou ichido koe wo kikasete kuremasenka?
    iroasenai kioku ni nageita
    nemuru basho sae mo subete ga tooi keredo
    kyou mo kyou mo kimi dake wo omou yo...
    I feel that grief will go on...

    kotoba nanka ja egao nanka ja inori nanka ja tsutawaranakute...
    egaita asu mo nuri e no kako mo MEMORII mitai ni kiete...
    kimi to iu na no tejou nanka ni KAGI ha nakute Uh...
    SUTORINGUSU no umi de samayou Ah...

    kono FANTAJIA ni owari wo kuremasenka?
    zetsubou no ki no shita de negau
    ah kurushii hodo setsunai MERODII ha
    KISU mo koi mo PIRIODO wo koete mo
    kienai BARAADO... Woh...
    Last edited by Rei; 10-01-2012 at 01:59 PM.


    「そんな顔をしないで。また会えるよ、シンジ君」
    ---

    もう二度と会えないなんて信じられない
    まだ何も伝えてない
    まだ何も伝えてない


    I'm sorry (not) sorry.

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    Default Re: Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

    Congratulations on taking your first step into the wonderful world of translations, then!

    Quote Originally Posted by Lolita. View Post
    You're right, it does sound more natural to write 'embrace me so hard that I break', but I'm not sure if I can put it down since it's not explicitly stated in the kanji.
    Of course you can do it; it's your translation, and you can do what you want. So the question is, do you want to? Every translator has to determine for him- or herself what s/he feels is an acceptable degree of artistic license to take. There's always a sliding scale of literal faithfulness vs. sounding beautiful/natural, and you can go pretty far to one side or the other and get two very different translations without either one being wrong. Translation's an art, not a science, you know?

    Personally, I lean towards the "sounds nice" side, so that will affect the feedback that I give on other people's translations. In this particular case, my feeling is that "embrace me to the extent that I break" already implies a particularly hard embrace, so it isn't a significant change in meaning to use "... so hard that I break" instead. (I also agree with your decision to reverse the line order, by the way.) But again, that's me and my feelings about translation, and in the end it's totally up to you.

    This has been TL;DR Philosophy of Translation with Bluepenguin, we hope you have enjoyed this pointless rambling.

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    Default Re: Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

    >抱きしめていたい 君だけ壊す程に

    抱きしめる
    is a transitive verb with active meaning, and ている implies a prolonged state. In my opinion, this line would be something on the line of "I wish to hold you in my embrace until you break." But @bluepenguin -san didn't seem to dispute your interpretation of the subject and object, so maybe I'm just being crazy here lol.


    >今曲が止まり変わりに月を見れば

    Hmm, I'm gonna guess the wrong kanji is used here. "代わりに" would be the right kanji for "instead of, in place of". You are correct that 変 can mean strange, but only in the forms 変な and 変わった/変わっている.

    ---------- Post added at 05:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:25 PM ----------

    I fixed those errors in the romaji.

    >yume mo toki mo kimi mo zenbu kotta mama de
    and kotta should be kootta ;D

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    Default Re: Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

    Hmm, that does make sense though. (That part's purely my own interpretation w)

    Yeah, the official lyrics were wrong from the get-go~

    Editing at three in the morning xD my brain went 'hmm, that looks sort of wrong but let's ignore it.'.

    All those 'ha's still bother me since I keep imagining it being sung that way~


    「そんな顔をしないで。また会えるよ、シンジ君」
    ---

    もう二度と会えないなんて信じられない
    まだ何も伝えてない
    まだ何も伝えてない


    I'm sorry (not) sorry.

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    Default Re: Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

    Yay it's Rei's first work! I will try to be soft and put myself in your shoes as I do this, but here's my pointers.

    >粉雪が舞う夜なら 涙も隠しやすくって
    >On a night when powder snow falls, my tears are hidden easily
    >最後は溢れないように 笑った

    >So they wouldn’t overflow in the end, I laughed
    >そして僕のチューニングは壊れたギターみたいで

    >and now my tuning is like that of a ruined guitar’s
    >音楽に頼る日々にひどく泣いた

    >In the days when I relied on music, I bitterly wept

    Here's the thing, 'nara' implies the existential conditional, i.e. if A then B. What you now have is a mere statement, which would be okay if there were no other time periods, but now you should probably mention the conditional so that it'll flow with the next lines.
    I'm not sure where you got "now" here, be careful of your decorative words because it may throw up complications as you can see above and directly below the line where there's another time period mentioned.
    On nights when powder snow falls, my tears are hidden easily
    At worst, a smile would keep them from overflowing
    But my tuning is like that of a ruined guitar's
    I cried so hard on the days when I relied on music


    >オーケストラの中心で 君のいない痛さわかって
    >I understood the pain of your absence in the centre of the orchestra
    >はじめて僕の心に「歌がない」と気付く

    >And I started to notice that there ‘Was no song’ in my heart

    This is something I feel you should know early in your career: わかる and 知る are interchangeable in situations. English greatly distinguishes "know" and "understand" but not Japanese.
    Knowing now the pain of your absence in the centre of the orchestra
    I realised that there's "no song" anymore inside my heart


    >抱きしめていたい 君だけ壊す程に
    >That only you would embrace me, till I am destroyed

    I'm afraid this one makes it easy to parse the sentence wrong... I'm keen to say that it's:
    [壊す程に] [君だけ](を)[抱きしめていたい]
    which is something like "I (wish to) be embracing you alone, till you break apart"...

    >出逢えた今の花にも「何か違う」と叫ぶ
    >Even the flower I meet now cries ‘Something's different’

    I know it's hard for you but にも here makes it mean something else:
    Even at the flower that I just met, I shouted "something's wrong" to it

    >眠る場所さえも すべてが遠いけれど
    >Even in the place where I sleep, where everything is distant
    >今日も今日も 君だけを想うよ…

    >Even today, even today, I only think of you...

    The pointer word here is すべて which would engulf さえも, I'm afraid...
    Although everything, even my resting place, is so far away
    For today, for today, I'll still think of you only...


    >言葉なんかじゃ笑顔なんかじゃ祈りなんかじゃ伝わらなくて...

    >Even if things like words, smiles and prayers won’t reach...

    There's no も at the end...


    祝! 『禁断の病棟』 アニメ化!

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    Default Re: Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

    Quote Originally Posted by animeyay View Post
    >抱きしめていたい 君だけ壊す程に

    抱きしめる
    is a transitive verb with active meaning, and ている implies a prolonged state. In my opinion, this line would be something on the line of "I wish to hold you in my embrace until you break." But @bluepenguin -san didn't seem to dispute your interpretation of the subject and object, so maybe I'm just being crazy here lol.
    No, you and Azu are totally right--it would probably be 抱きしめてほしい if she wanted him to hold her, 抱きしめていたい implies the other way around. I don't know how I missed that.

  13. #9
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    Default Re: Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

    Sorry, I should have totally corrected it before I submitted it... ^^;;


    「そんな顔をしないで。また会えるよ、シンジ君」
    ---

    もう二度と会えないなんて信じられない
    まだ何も伝えてない
    まだ何も伝えてない


    I'm sorry (not) sorry.

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    Default Re: Mizuki Nana - Orchestral Fantasia

    Hey, it happens. You can always PM Azu and make him fix it for you--I do that all the time.

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