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Thread: New English Poem: My heart cries (sad/dramatic :P)

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    Post New English Poem: My heart cries (sad/dramatic :P)

    My heart for long cries
    For my son’s death in my heart grew
    His emotions fumbling to a stew
    Being cooked as by a navy crew
    Making me grow has from new

    My heart for long cries
    Between fear and lies
    My worries trying not to rise
    But it’s impossible: my heart dies!
    So I have to put the dots on the “i”s
    I’ll call him again, that’s what I’ll do!

    “Hey there, it’s me!”
    «Me who…? Oh, of course it you, mom…»
    “Son! You answered!”
    “What have you done, what have you?”
    “I mean, what’s happening?!”
    “I never saw you as bad as this!”
    «Mom, you’re not even watching me!»
    «I’m in Russia all by myself»
    «Like Legolas, the errant elf»
    «Always marching for battle»

    «… Are you there mom?»

    “You’re weaker day-by-day”
    “That surgery you cannot delay!”
    “Unless you want my heart to turn gray!”

    Oh, and my heart cries
    It cries and it bleeds
    That pain it greets
    “Alone, here I am!”
    “‘Cause your father left me”
    And your sister Pam
    With her recent divorce
    My heart’s entry trying to force
    No, rather trying to ram!

    “Son: I cannot take this”
    “No, not anymore”
    I’m alone and I’m weak
    “Why did you just had to leave?!”

    “Oh, my, you’ll always be my kid!”
    “You’re not tall or stronger, just mid”
    “Damn, what else must I do?!”
    “If you not listen me I

    His long disease from me he hid
    That damn lung cancer in him flourishing
    While myself was still haunting
    Desperately trying to overcome
    All those problems, yeah, that’s the thing!
    “Son, come back home, please!”
    “I beg you on my knees”
    “You’re not a kid anymore”
    “Come on, I won’t make you eat all the pees”

    (sorry mods I double posted ‘cause I really have a lot to write and I also made short paragraphs for easy-reading, hope you don’t mind)

    First of all I must say this poem is not finished at all, so that’s why I’ll add some information. This poem has only 2 characters (tough other two are mentioned ahead) and this is the profile/personality I made up for them (I may found the need to lengthen it):

    Characters:
    - Maria Butcher (main character): 48 yo- (viúva em ingles) woman with 2 sons, the youngest a man with 25 and the oldest with 26, a woman. Maria lives on Kansas City, alone but only for a dog.
    - Thomas Butcher: Maria’s son, formed in law school less than a year before and living away from her mother, over 1000 km away, in East Russia

    Plot/story (whatever you wanna call it)
    - Maria is living alone for about a year as, when Thomas finished law school her sister Helena had already left for marrying (tough the marriage only lasted for 7-8 months) and his man had past away almost year and a half before.
    - She is in great pain as she’s alone, his husband’s death is still fresh on is memory and only like a year after she “loses” both her sons almost one right after the one.
    - Maria is depressed and she calls her son constantly/compulsively, 5-6 times a day while he only gets 2 or 3 a week saying he’s at work almost all the time.
    - However, she despises Russia and only 25% of her sayings are actually right (and she thinks she’s 100% right!), so the fact she thinks her son is not actually working but instead just being lazy at home and drinking Vodka to forget his own problems as he never got a girlfriend, may not worth too much.

    So I have to admit this is half poem half story but tough the plot and the two character’s life’s backgrounds are kinda complex the rhymes – almost 100% present in the beginning but getting less as the plot becomes to extend itself more – make it pretty clear that this is indeed poetry.

    Plus, not that it’s very important in this 1st part, here are two notes that’ll help you to understand it better:

    1) ALL verses that go either without “” or «» are the mother’s thoughts
    2) Between “” are the mom’s dialogues

    That’s "only" that for now! (but I have a 500-600 words’ explanation to post asap for your better understanding on this thread’s “functioning”)


    "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
    "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
    "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
    "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
    "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge."


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    Default Re: New English Poem: My heart cries (sad/dramatic :P)

    Awesome! (It seems like over the trip you've become dramatic) ^_^
    hella

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    Default Re: New English Poem: My heart cries (sad/dramatic :P)

    It's really good stuff

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    Default Re: New English Poem: My heart cries (sad/dramatic :P)

    It's good, but uhm I think you should take a step back. Your writing a story now more than a poem. Which is not bad, but you should make a novel. That's what I do I write a lot of stories in my own language. The thing that's hard is to give a poem a whole good story, with characters and in depth backgrounds. Which you tried here, it's a really nice try. Also it's very good, but I think you should have kept it more simple. Simple stuff is easier to read after all. Also you should post the description in the top! So we read that first instead of the poem first.

    So to put it all in some short summary. It's really nice for your second poem, but to ambitious, though people may disagree with me. Anyway my advice is grozit also, since you need to experiment and this is a really nice try for a experiment. So I don't know I have mixed feelings with what I'm saying, maybe I should just shut up and let you go on. Your doing good, keep kicking at it.

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    Default Re: New English Poem: My heart cries (sad/dramatic :P)

    Quote Originally Posted by Howling Star View Post
    It's good, but uhm I think you should take a step back. Your writing a story now more than a poem. Which is not bad, but you should make a novel. That's what I do I write a lot of stories in my own language. The thing that's hard is to give a poem a whole good story, with characters and in depth backgrounds. Which you tried here, it's a really nice try. Also it's very good, but I think you should have kept it more simple. Simple stuff is easier to read after all. Also you should post the description in the top! So we read that first instead of the poem first.

    So to put it all in some short summary. It's really nice for your second poem, but to ambitious, though people may disagree with me. Anyway my advice is grozit also, since you need to experiment and this is a really nice try for a experiment. So I don't know I have mixed feelings with what I'm saying, maybe I should just shut up and let you go on. Your doing good, keep kicking at it.
    Thanks a lot for your comment, you were both “professional” and kind in your post, so thanks again

    I understand what you said/tried to say, and I think it’s more adequate for my style of writing, which I don’t think is either good or bad, for now I’m happy but I’m still a noob on this subject so I understand perfectly and half-agree when you said

    [QUOTE]It’s really nice for your second poem, but to ambitious, tough people may disagree me[/QUOTE]

    I had the very same thought/guess at least 5 times while composing this poem (the use of this word instead of “writing” was intentional, if you know what I mean )
     
    But for nature I’m too ambitious for my own good so it’s not easy to change


    That’s why I probably will dedicate myself either to very short poems or novels (I believe the accurate word it’s prose, tell me if I’m wrong), as I believe that half poems half novels don’t really work for me xD

    Also, I think I’m too ambitious to find your advice grozit, I’ll try it in the next days
    Thanks again, if it weren’t you I guess I’d post the second part of it soon, but as I understood what you mean that confirmed my own “suspicious”:I’ll instead leave it as it is
    Haha, thanks for the motivational words, I’ll definitely keep kicking “my poetry” until it turn exactly I want it to xD


    "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
    "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
    "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
    "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
    "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge."


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