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Thread: Lunar Blood Tsukitachi - Introduction

  1. #1
    Senior Member Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi has a reputation beyond repute Chigumi's Avatar
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    Default Lunar Blood Tsukitachi - Introduction

    Intro:

    The cutting sound of the bullet came very close to my head and I could still feel the heat of the fast movement on my left ear. In state of shock I blinked a couple of times while staring into the distance and I only remember the black of the night sky and the sirenes of police vehicles. As the alarm of the cops seemed to get closer I stood up and turned around to see where she was. In the meantime dozens of raindrops started to fade my eyeliner that started to run a half hour ago when this guy all the sudden started to stalk us on the streets. You would probably understand me if I'd say I don't feel too well and I just want to hop in my bed and not wake up for a while. My best friend Matsuoka Yoshika and I were clubbing in an area here in Seoul, South Korea.

    Eversince we turned on the tv since early may there was this headline story about the 'Lunar Blood Acestry' and once that was aired there were morons out there to hunt for this 'blood'. They're out of their mind, because it's obviously some sort of ridiculous fairy tail that some lunatic made up. I told Yoshika in a joking way: 'If that is real, then I am Harry Potter!' We laughed really hard. If I could only find her at this point, since I really wanted to go back to the hotel, pack our belongings and head back for Japan. 'Where are you?' I yelled angry to myself. I wandered in the dark alley for a bit til I tripped over something that felt like a human body. 'Yoshika?!' I lifted her pale face gently that was covered in blood from the wound on her head and I started to seriously panic. Was she dead?

    Characters:
     

    Chigumi Koyanagi


    Ikuya Kawaguchi


    Yoshika Matsuoka


    Ryuuji Fukada


    Olivia Kurota
    

    Ayane Kikuchi


    Kanjiro Fujisawa


    Lilian Kurota


    IMPORTANT:
    I do not own these images or dolls.
    Credits go to BJD artists on DeviantArt and Flickr.
    These images are used as an example of what,
    I think, the characters look like.

    Extra Art:
     

    Chigumi 'Wonderland'


    Olivia 'Pirate'


    Yoshika 'Rockstar'


    Please understand that English is not my first language.
    Forgive me for some errors I write.
    I've only made one other fiction before this,
    so I'm a sort of newbie to writing fanfics.
    Please don't jugde me too hard,
    but please do tell if anything sucks ok?
    Thanks so much!
    Last edited by Chigumi; 02-04-2012 at 06:11 PM.

  2. #2
    Corrupted Data Inc. CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon has a reputation beyond repute CrimsonMoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lunar Blood Tsukitachi - Introduction

    Here's some mistakes that I found:

     


    sirenes of police vehicles.
    - 'sirens'.

    all the sudden
    - 'all of a sudden'.

    You would probably understand me if I'd say I don't feel too well
    - This is a bit weird, I think. If I were to write this, I'd say, 'if I say that I don't...'.

    Eversince
    - 'Ever since'.

    'Lunar Blood Acestry'
    - 'Ancestry', you mean?

    some sort of ridiculous fairy tail
    - 'tale'


    Your introduction is pretty much clean and neat, and I can see that you have the potential. There are some spelling mistakes, but otherwise they're good. Nah, just because English is not your first language doesn't mean that you're not good at it, because you are.

    It's a pretty short introduction, so I can't say much about the story. But I have to say you leave me intrigued. Keep up the good work!

    Edit: I forgot to mention about the graphic arts. They're good, I can picture all the characters already. And 'I' is Chigumi, right? I notice that it's the same as your user name.
    Last edited by CrimsonMoon; 03-26-2012 at 09:33 AM. Reason: Adding some comments

    >>Enter My World<<


    Thanks to Ms Lucy for this awesome, funny gif.

    The person that you are now is not the person that I used to know. You're becoming a stranger that I've never met before. Not liking the change though.

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