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  1. #1
    Senior Member ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR's Avatar
    Gil
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    Lightbulb All Who Are Alone

    This isn't a traditional Valentine's poem, but something inside of me told me to write it this way this year. Love can be hard at times, but it can also be hard to control. I would appreciate criticism, as well as love to hear your comments and opinions. Thank you.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    All Who Are Alone
    There was a time where I thought love was all lies,
    A time where I reached so high for the skies,
    And every time I see you near, my eyes swell.
    This can't be love, it hurt; it must be hell.
    With every step away, your gentle whispers reach me,
    As the moon rise and the sun falls-it can't be..
    For every breath that was taken is all gone.
    Memories of walks, distant talks, laying in the lawn,
    Each special moment held so very tight,
    A single tear screaming, "This isn't right!
    It hurts so much, and, yet, I cant let go!"
    Emotions constantly giving into the flow..
    It hurts-All the love in the world,
    To dance on the floor in one last swirl.
    Happy Valentine's day to all who are alone,
    One day we will find the will to find one to own..

    -(Early Sad Valentine's Special) 012820120242
    I am no more a rose than I am its thorns.
    No more a gentle breeze than I am the hailing storm.
    I am no more hated than I am loved.
    And I am no more heartfilled than I am heartless.
    This is who I am.
    ~ELR

  2. #2
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    Gil
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    Default Re: All Who Are Alone

    The beginning to your poem is strong but I feel like it gets weaker towards the end and maybe it's just me, but the last line was somehow strange when I read it.

  3. #3
    Moderator BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori) has a reputation beyond repute BluGru Mitsuo (Tori)'s Avatar
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    Default Re: All Who Are Alone

    i luv the poem because i create poems myself too!

  4. #4
    Senior Member ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR's Avatar
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    Default Re: All Who Are Alone

    It isn't your imagination, cupcake, I actually purposely made it that way. Kind of like limitation to the human mind, in the beginning your will can be strong, 'being solo isn't too bad.' But further on it's like realization hits you, more sighs come out, less conviction. 'It'll never happen.' As for the last line, think of it as marriage or a relationship. 'Yes! I'm his and he is mine!' I did not mean a true ownership, and the willpower to try to find that person again.

    I'm very glad you enjoy poems, Ms. Toboe, I don't think, though, that I have seen one from you on here. Maybe sometime you would like to post one from yourself, would be wonderful to read something written from yourself. Even though I don't write constantly like I used to, I do come on when I do and read EVERY poem that is new in the forums.

    Thank you for reading, my friends, and leaving a comment, as well as a like. *bow*
    I am no more a rose than I am its thorns.
    No more a gentle breeze than I am the hailing storm.
    I am no more hated than I am loved.
    And I am no more heartfilled than I am heartless.
    This is who I am.
    ~ELR

  5. #5
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    Default Re: All Who Are Alone

    It needs work. As a poet myself, it seems weak and lopsided

  6. #6
    Back To Business ~> Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke has a reputation beyond repute Mugiwara-no-Basuke's Avatar
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    Default Re: All Who Are Alone

    Some rhymes are not very good but overally I really loved this poem, it's so beautiful!
    Thanks for it, I appreciate your work very much

    The first 10 verses are really rhythmic and nice but then it loses some quality.
    Also, last verse is pretty confusing, maybe it'd be better to stay only "One day we'll find someone to own"


    "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
    "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
    "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
    "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
    "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
    "Imagination is more important than knowledge."


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