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Thread: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

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    Default Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    I'm just curious on how girls wanted to be approached when they are being courted. Would you (a girl) like to be directly approached (ex. directly confessed to, being shown affection upon face-to-face), or indirectly (ex. being sent love letters, given hints of affection)? You can also add suggestions on how do you like to be courted.

    Backstory:
     
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    I inserted a love letter inside a birthday present for my crush~ xD

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Aw that's real cute that you did that. teehee
    Honestly if that was me, I would actually like both. Because if it was indirect, I would only assume the guy is just flirting with me. I kind of want to see if his feelings towards me are genuine. If it was direct, I wouldn't be so prepared for it. And in case I don't necessarily like the guy it would be hard for me to think on how I will deal with it. First off, I need to also like the guy and when I do, I prefer to have both indirect and direct courting. When that happens followed by the guy meeting my standards (even before him trying to get me), and depending on how he does it, he will get my yes.

    So I hope that advice will work. Just an fyi, girls are very different. Just do things with tender care. lol

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by Seung-li View Post
    And in case I don't necessarily like the guy it would be hard for me to think on how I will deal with it. First off, I need to also like the guy and when I do, I prefer to have both indirect and direct courting. When that happens followed by the guy meeting my standards (even before him trying to get me), and depending on how he does it, he will get my yes.
    This statement is right.
    I once tried to, I guess, court this one girl I liked a few years ago. I really thought she liked me too cuz she was always smiling at me and talking alot with me. When I finally decided to ask her, she told me she didn't like me that way. I wasted 3 and half months of trying to get to her.
    Make sure she likes you more than a friend. Unfortunately, I don't know how one could tell. Things you might notice as flirting may just be a friendly gesture.
    ....

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by Capitán View Post
    Things you might notice as flirting may just be a friendly gesture.
    That's what pisses me off about a lot of girls. If you don't want me getting the wrong idea, then don't wink or smile at me. I get plenty of those, but I've come to know that they don't like me obviously. They'd much rather go out with some arrogant prick.

    On the topic, I agree it depends on the girl. There are some girls who think the whole "love letter" thing is outdated and cheesy. If you're already her friend, then flirt and see where that goes. You've gotta "know the situation," or what you're getting yourself into before making that move though. So if you're rejected, you can be rejected with your composure and "cool" intact, rather than humiliating yourself in front of others, or privately between you two.

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by Hideki Motosuwa. View Post
    That's what pisses me off about a lot of girls.
    Guys are exactly the same. Humans, boths girls and boys, likes attention and the feeling of someone thinks that their are special. People like feeling special, it boots their selfasteem and makes them happy. That behavior doesn't belong to any specific gender. It goes around with everyone.



    Quote Originally Posted by aerophobia View Post
    Could be worse, u couldve never had a girlfriend and gotten the " your like a brother to me" or "i just dont feel that way about you" with every girl you ever tried for or became friends with. Even if ur in shape and you compare yourself to people shes dated and think how could I not be with her.. Try 3 years and she goes out with ur friend afterwards like a month later... Its like a knife to the chest, actually id rather have been knifed in the chest I believe... *sigh* im so bitter about that topic now[COLOR="Silver"]
    Ah! That is it! You don't become friends with the girl that you want.

    Friendly and all yes, you can be that. But don't become one of her friends, especially not one of her closest ones. Because then you will get yourself in the 'friend zone' and it's hard to get out from there. Often at those times, girls choose to not accept your feelings - because they are afraid of loosing you as a friend (if your relationship wouldn't turn out to work out). Trust me on this, I am a 'old' woman with experience and that is the experience I have this far.





    Quote Originally Posted by Μαrvεl View Post
    I'm just curious on how girls wanted to be approached when they are being courted. Would you (a girl) like to be directly approached (ex. directly confessed to, being shown affection upon face-to-face), or indirectly (ex. being sent love letters, given hints of affection)?
    Aaaaaah! How cute! I hope it works out for you!

    Personally, I agree with everything that @Seung-li said in #2.
    Last edited by SuXrys; 11-25-2011 at 06:01 PM.

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by SuXrys View Post
    Guys are exactly the same. Humans, boths girls and boys, likes attention and the feeling of someone thinks that their are special. People like feeling special, it boots their selfasteem and makes them happy. That behavior doesn't belong to any specific gender. It goes around with everyone.
    I never said they weren't.
    Last edited by Hideki Motosuwa.; 11-25-2011 at 07:15 PM.

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by Capitán View Post
    I once tried to, I guess, court this one girl I liked a few years ago. I really thought she liked me too cuz she was always smiling at me and talking alot with me. When I finally decided to ask her, she told me she didn't like me that way. I wasted 3 and half months of trying to get to her.
    It could be worse, i did the same thing only to find out that she'd come out as a lesbian about a month before i asked her.....

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Well, as others have said, it depends on the girl.

    PERSONALLY, I would much rather be directly approached than deal with flowery love letters (I'm not exactly the "romantic" type). At the very least, if there are letters involved, at some point, I don't want any "hints" of affection; it's cute for a little while, but at some point, I want to know what's going on.

    This is mostly because I tend to flirt a lot. It kinda just...happens. However, despite my flirting personality, I know when to reign it in if it seems as if I'm sending way too many signals, in case someone might be getting the wrong idea. I might be "flirting", but that does not mean that I am interested in a relationship (unless I say something), which is why, in one previous thread, I said that it was best for someone to confront me about my feelings for them versus trying to interpret my signals.
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    Could be worse, u couldve never had a girlfriend and gotten the " your like a brother to me" or "i just dont feel that way about you" with every girl you ever tried for or became friends with. Even if ur in shape and you compare yourself to people shes dated and think how could I not be with her.. Try 3 years and she goes out with ur friend afterwards like a month later... Its like a knife to the chest, actually id rather have been knifed in the chest I believe... *sigh* im so bitter about that topic now



    And thats how all girls are. And its exactly why some guys get SO MAD when they feel like they are stuck in the "friend zone" because they act like flirts with them like that and the guy thinks he has more of a chance only to be heartbroken most of the time

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    I like doing it straight and with the shades. I have no repercussions no matter what the effect.


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    I guess I just dont fit in this world nowadays.. Everyones always moving so fast when im just tryin to slow down. I mean, Ive never did all too well in school especially a language since they just try to immerse you in it. I like to play strategy games like risk and stuff since u can sit and think about it for awhile before you do something.. Im just, a slow methodical thinker I guess... And I guess im just sad wondering whats so wrong with getting to know someones true personality before commiting to someone... Sigh... Guess I just dont get it... And sry, I guess this doesnt really have anything to do with the main topic :/

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by aerophobia View Post
    Im just, a slow methodical thinker I guess... And I guess im just sad wondering whats so wrong with getting to know someones true personality before commiting to someone... Sigh... Guess I just dont get it... And sry, I guess this doesnt really have anything to do with the main topic :/
    Most girls don't mind if guys try to get to know them first first. However, that "get to know you" phase is different for everybody. The activities that you do varies and the time it takes to get to the "next level" (whatever that is) varies. Some girls like taking it a little slow, with fluttering eyes, love letters and small acts of compassion. While others (including myself, admittedly) tend to move a little fast, with the "courtship" thing only lasting so long (once week its us telling jokes and leaving notes under the door in the dorm and next its double entendres and teasing).
    This is my war face.

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by Μαrvεl View Post
    I'm just curious on how girls wanted to be approached when they are being courted. Would you (a girl) like to be directly approached (ex. directly confessed to, being shown affection upon face-to-face), or indirectly (ex. being sent love letters, given hints of affection)? You can also add suggestions on how do you like to be courted.
    "Spoon..? There is no spoon."

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    It's always in the last place you'd think of looking!


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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    It doesn't matter whether the girl want's you to be direct or indirect. Just do things the way you feel comfortable doing them. You're already putting yourself out there enough by being in the position of getting rejected.

    Also, don't ask girls what they like and assume this will be true for the girl in question. You figure out what she likes yourself once you've made sure you're actually in a relationship.

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    that is really sweet. haha. anyway, i agree with miss @Seung-li girls are different when it comes to this approach. as for me, i don't know what kind of approach is this but i'd rather let the guy know me first. if he likes me, he doesn't have to shower me with gifts and presents. all he needs to do is just to be himself. i don't really like the idea of putting his best foot forward. i'd rather like him for what he really is (despite of his unusual habits...his weird quirks..) than like him for what he's pretending to be. before i forget, first, he must be clear with his intentions. when he told me that he likes me and i feel the same way, then things will develop from there. but if he told me he likes me and it turned out i didn't feel the same way, i'll also be honest with him. it really sucks giving false hopes to anyone right? so before things get worse and people start getting the wrong idea and guys and girls are being stuck in the friendship zone (which will really make things complicated as what lady @SuXrys had said, then it's better to clear things earlier so there will be no hard feelings towards each other in the end.
    Quote Originally Posted by Μαrvεl View Post
    Backstory:
     
    Well...
     
    I inserted a love letter inside a birthday present for my crush~ xD


    ---------- Post added at 11:59 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:52 AM ----------

    there's nothing wrong with it it's better this way than regretting things in the end, right?
    Quote Originally Posted by aerophobia View Post
    And I guess im just sad wondering whats so wrong with getting to know someones true personality before commiting to someone...
    Last edited by Loxaerion; 11-25-2011 at 09:53 PM.

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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    I think I regret it anyways. But whatever

  17. #17
    Senior Member solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by aerophobia View Post
    I think I regret it anyways. But whatever
    Isn't there enough regret in the world already, without the need for others to grab onto as much as possible? There are always perils and risks with something like this, trust me I know (somewhat of a Veteran on this) instead of worrying about regrets how about taking the initiative and do something about it. You should really read my PSA's on my profile page.
    It's always in the last place you'd think of looking!


  18. #18
    Senior Member aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Not TRYING to be a downer or anything, but I regret most of my life most of the time anyways. I try not to since im sure it could have been far worse sometimes which is I tell myself sometimes but ya know.... I can be kinda depressing sometimes, sry

  19. #19
    Senior Member solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by aerophobia View Post
    Not TRYING to be a downer or anything, but I regret most of my life most of the time anyways. I try not to since im sure it could have been far worse sometimes which is I tell myself sometimes but ya know.... I can be kinda depressing sometimes, sry
    No one is saying that you're being a "downer". I understand where you are coming from 290%, believe me. I've had enough crap happen to me as well. But, you know what I'd rather it happen to me then to anyone else if it meant keeping someone from being hurt and no I don't regret it...none of it you know why? Because it's made me who I am today. Yeah, there are times where I hate the person staring back at me in the mirror...but I can live being that person.

    As for the subject matter, I have said it in at least 2-3 different threads. Girls are nuts, we as "men" will never know what it is they want in the way of a relationship or how to tell if they want a relationship with us. It's a cruel game they play on us, because they know they can, and that we are ill equipped to handle the mental weapons of mass destruction when it comes to emotional warfare. With this I mean the following:

    1) batting of the lashes - does this mean she likes me ? No, but she does like the guy standing behind you though.
    2) the giggling at our stupidest joke - maybe there's something there after all ? No, she's laughing because she needs you to do something for her...with her date tonight with the other guy.
    3) flirting - I really think she must like me ? No, she's just brushing up with her target practice..one shot, one kill.
    4) You're my best friend - she will torture you with chatter of the other guy and how much she likes him, because you're good enough for a friend but not good enough for more than that.

    Don't get me wrong not ALL girls are like this...there are some out there that will play fair. But, those are the most intimidating. Again, if you want to know if a girl likes you...sometimes it means having to fall on your own sword. If you're not willing to try, then don't play the game.
    It's always in the last place you'd think of looking!


  20. #20
    Senior Member SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys has a reputation beyond repute SuXrys's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by blueangel06661 View Post
    But the friend zone is the best zone! There's a guy I've liked for 7 years. All throughout the 7 years I never allowed it to go past the friend zone even though I realllly liked him. I liked him too much to the point I was fine being friends. Friendship last longer :]

    though my current boyfriend was pretty direct with me :] I like directness. I hate pondering. I do that enough as is.


    And that's exactly why, if you really want it to go beyond the 'friend zone-zone', you don't get there! xD


    I belive that most of the times it's like this:
    You don't become someones partner while being their best friend.
    You become their best friend while being their partner.

    Because people do can, lol x)), say no to a further relationship in fear of loosing your friendship (if the relation wouldn't work out, and then they wouldn't even have you any more as a friend).

    Of course you can still become someones partner while being in the friend zone, but most of the times it's much much harder. But hey, if you really want it then why not going for it? But you have to prepare to 'jump out there perhaps not landing on the pillow' (as mentioned earlier in the thread by gazgul) in the process.





    Quote Originally Posted by solidarmor View Post

    As for the subject matter, I have said it in at least 2-3 different threads. Girls are nuts, we as "men" will never know what it is they want in the way of a relationship or how to tell if they want a relationship with us. It's a cruel game they play on us, because they know they can, and that we are ill equipped to handle the mental weapons of mass destruction when it comes to emotional warfare. With this I mean the following:

    1) batting of the lashes - does this mean she likes me ? No, but she does like the guy standing behind you though.
    2) the giggling at our stupidest joke - maybe there's something there after all ? No, she's laughing because she needs you to do something for her...with her date tonight with the other guy.
    3) flirting - I really think she must like me ? No, she's just brushing up with her target practice..one shot, one kill.
    4) You're my best friend - she will torture you with chatter of the other guy and how much she likes him, because you're good enough for a friend but not good enough for more than that.

    Don't get me wrong not ALL girls are like this...there are some out there that will play fair. But, those are the most intimidating. Again, if you want to know if a girl likes you...sometimes it means having to fall on your own sword. If you're not willing to try, then don't play the game.

    Still, it's VERY hard! What one person perhaps saw as a 'ah! he/she is flirting with me! <3' the other person may just have been nicely to that person. People are interpreting things differently. What one person perhaps have seen as a date downtown, the other may just have seen it as meeting her/his friend down at the city - just as he/she could've meet any other close friend. So a person that have turned you down perhaps didn't do anything to hurt your feelings, it was just you two who wasn't on the same level and you both interpretend the other persons feelings in the wrong way.



    Quote Originally Posted by wolfgirl90 View Post
    And that can honestly work out depending on the person.

    However, when you really like somebody, and they were giving you signs that they liked you in return (or you thought they did), only for them to shoot you down to the "friend zone", its going to hurt (really, really hurt) and its hard to come back from that.

    Sure, some people can take it reasonably well and maintain a friendship with that other person. But others take it hard, wondering if they did something wrong to ruin that chance at a relationship or if they even HAD a chance at a relationship to begin with. A bunch of thoughts keep swirling around:

    "What were they looking for?"
    "Did I do something wrong?"
    "Will they ever like me the way I like them?"
    "Was I being led on the whole time (and was it a mistake on my part or were they just teasing me)"?

    After all of that, being in the "friend zone" is going to be rather painful (especially if, even after asking all of those questions, you still have feelings for that person).

    I'm not saying that its impossible to maintain a friendship. Just that, depending on how strong your feelings were for a person (and how seemingly strong those signals were that the other person was "sending" in return), just being friends is going to be rather tough.

    Yes, yes, yes, yes! I agree with everything. You say so many wise things... *kisses your hand in affection and in idolatry*


    You are a very wise "wolf".

    Last edited by SuXrys; 11-29-2011 at 03:34 AM.

  21. #21
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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by SuXrys View Post
    Yes, yes, yes, yes! I agree with everything. You say so many wise things... *kisses your hand in affection and in idolatry*

    You are a very wise "wolf".
    While the pic was insanely cute, if I'm going to be any "wise wolf", it's going to be this one:



     
    What can I say? I've got Spice and Wolf on the brain.


    Quote Originally Posted by Hideki Motosuwa. View Post
    I've come to realize that the indirect approach offers you some insurance and security, however, it's a slower method. That means another guy will have a chance to cease that opening, and of course if the girl you like is a ditzy, dense person.
    The girl doesn't have to be ditsy to miss your signals; she could just be a more direct person.

    I'll use myself as an example. While I can certainly interpret signals from other people (hell, I dare say that I am rather good at it), I don't like reading between the lines; not for too long anyway (as Scar would say: "I DESPISE guessing games"). I could easily try to "take a hint" but I don't like being put in that position of having to constantly interpret where a relationship is going. AT SOME POINT, the indirectness has to stop and they have to confront me about their feelings directly (it doesn't have to be some grand performance; I just want the person to say it); otherwise, I will confront THEM about it, which is going to be beyond awkward because it could be either a positive or a negative confrontation (depending on how the relationship has been, it could be "I want to know what feelings you have for me" to "I am about two steps away from leaving you").

    So the girl may not be "ditsy", just more open to direct actions than indirect signals. The indirect "approach" will certainly work on girls who are more direct. However, there's a reason why it's an "approach"; it'll get you through the door, but it won't hold the door open (and we sure as hell are not going to hold the door open for you forever).
    Last edited by wolfgirl90; 11-29-2011 at 03:25 PM.
    This is my war face.

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  22. #22
    Senior Member aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia has a reputation beyond repute aerophobia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Its not just a girl problem, it obviously makes things worse ultimately but id say its a little more in depth.. things I wouldnt really feel comfortable talking about now.

  23. #23
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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by aerophobia View Post
    Its not just a girl problem, it obviously makes things worse ultimately but id say its a little more in depth.. things I wouldnt really feel comfortable talking about now.
    Then don't talk about it..until you are comfortable enough with someone to trust with whatever it is that's troubling you. I can only give you advice based on what I've been through, and from the lessons I've learned. I can't, be a counselor, or therapist though it doesn't hurt to talk to a licensed professional.
    It's always in the last place you'd think of looking!


  24. #24
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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    To put it as a metaphor it's like climbing to the top floor of a tall building and jumping out when somebody you don't trust says that they've put a pile of cushions on the ground below. Most times you'll slam into the ground but the trick is to keep on getting back up and climbing the stairs again cause one day you'll find that someone special has put moved the pile close enough to catch you when you jump.

  25. #25
    Senior Member solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor has a reputation beyond repute solidarmor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Courting: Direct or Indirect?

    Quote Originally Posted by -GAZKUL- View Post
    To put it as a metaphor it's like climbing to the top floor of a tall building and jumping out when somebody you don't trust says that they've put a pile of cushions on the ground below. Most times you'll slam into the ground but the trick is to keep on getting back up and climbing the stairs again cause one day you'll find that someone special has put moved the pile close enough to catch you when you jump.
    But how many times you hit the ground can be determined on which way the wind is blowing. If you catch it just right as you jump, you may just land on those cushions.....if they're there.
    It's always in the last place you'd think of looking!


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