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Thread: Perishing One

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    Junior Member Illussion is on a distinguished road Illussion's Avatar
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    Default Perishing One

    Eternal darkness without a limit,
    No soul can withstand the pain in it
    Struggling to find the will to fight,
    It's hard without a single ray of light
    Running aimlessly in the cold,soft sand
    Somewhere nearby a river crosses the land
    I am lost,my life is done,
    It seems that I must be the Perishing One.

    Hey guys !
    This is a poem I wrote a long time ago now,but I've decided to post it anyways
    Feel free to comment and critic !
    Thanks in advance !

  2. #2
    Member ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat has a reputation beyond repute ghostthegreat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Perishing One

    It's pretty good. I like the rhyme scheme (I guess I just like poems like that in general) and the quick paced feel seems to fit in well especially when you get the feeling of running, maybe away from something or someone.
    I need a new signature and I didn't know what to put, so I decided to throw this in.

    Also check out my blog at http://danielkamin.wordpress.com

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    Trompe l'oeil. Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena has a reputation beyond repute Athena's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Re: Perishing One

    I'm going to dive into the mechanics of this before I make an opinionated comment.

    There are quite a few punctuation and sentence errors. There's a mess of run-on sentences and absences of periods where needed which causes the meter of the poem to go too fast as a whole and not give the reader enough time to really digest what the narrator is describing. You have a habitual use of commas in places they don't need to be in. For example:

    "I am lost, my life is done,"

    This is called a comma splice, which means you have two perfectly capable and complete sentences joined unnecessarily with a comma. "I am lost," and "my life is done," can both easily stand on their own as separate sentences because they are separate thoughts. My suggestion is to join them with a semi-colon ( ; ). A semi-colon helps join two thoughts that are involved in the same idea and related to each other- like so:

    "I am lost; my life is done(PERIOD)." You definitely need a period at the end of this because the thought is complete and the next line is irrelevant to what was stated. I strongly suggest you proof read and distinguish complete thoughts from others. Punctuation is dire in poetry.

    One more sentence I'm going to pick on is this: "Eternal darkness without a limit," <-- Redundant for my taste.

    Now for the rating. I'm okay with the idea of this poem. I feel like it could be elaborated more- especially with more imagery and figurative language. I see a lot of potential within it. I'd like to give a rating so you can see where I'm at with this poem. 6/10. Good job.
    Last edited by Athena; 10-08-2011 at 04:49 PM.
    "Perception is the only reality."

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