Hey. I have a few minor questions about this one before submitting it. Orz

But in the beginning, I'd like the word "kibau" in 6th stanza 3rd line in the romaji to be corrected. It should be "kibou". Link. And please change the footnote to '* written in the booklet as "kawaii ko", but sung as "anata".' (Lol @ my Engrish)


心の奥に潜む毒
人は笑顔の裏に隠し持つ
絶望、裏切り恐れて
真実追い求める。。。

People hide behind their smiling faces
a poison that lurks in their inner hearts
Fearing despair and betrayal,
they pursue the truth...


紡がれる優しい嘘は
人を守る思いやりの言葉
傷付く事を知り乍
探る言葉の裏

The woven gentle lies
are words of consideration that protect people
Even while knowing that they'd get hurt,
they delve behind the words


[1] I experience pains (and have nightmares!) from seeing that line short contrary to its Japanese original. (゜Д゜) Especially "woven" is too short compared to the 5 syllables-long つむがれる. Unfortunately, among the longer synonyms I know (and the other ones on Thesaurus.com), I can't determine which one works best, or maybe how to re-word the whole thing in a way that makes it longer without killing it...

Worst-case scenario, I'll keep it like this. But before that, I'd like to hear some ideas. (Anything, really! No matter how obvious it is. Don't make any assumptions that involve me knowing anything. >.> )

貴方は嘘に守られて、
幸せに生きる事ができるの。
なのに真実を求めて
あるその幸せ気付くことはなく。。。

You are protected by lies
so that you can live happily.
And yet, you seek the truth
You shall never recognize that very happiness...


[2] "that very"... Would it be better to remove "very"? Or perhaps use something else?

聞こえ来る言葉は刃
人を傷付け悲しませるモノ
そんな心を忍ばせる
人の悲しい性よ

The words I hear are sword edges;
they wound people and make them sad
You conceal such a heart
It's man's pathetic nature


[3] I know I'm being a little picky, but since モノ has been katakanized, is there any significance to that that I need to show in the translation? (I just used a semicolon)

[4] If I am to improvise an adjective for "heart", what should it be? And should I? ... since it does seem a little off in the translation.

私だけに聞こえてくる
静かに日々をただ送りたいの
ささやかなこの想いさえ
打ち砕かれてゆく。。。

They are heard only by me
I merely want to spend my life quietly
Even those meager feelings
will eventually get smashed...


[5] I'm stuck on whether to make that line "It's only I who hears them"

貴方の禍つその心
紡がずにいれば聞こえはしない
一つ希望の貴方さえ
私から離れ消えてゆく運命

That catastrophic heart of yours
can never be without weaving lies
Even you who are my only hope
are destined to leave me and fade away


[6] My google-fu failed me with つ, but I do remember somewhere that it's a literary equivalent of の... I need to be confirm that, though.

貴方*は語ることはない
私に抱かれて甘えて跳ねて
眠る時さえ側にいて
涙の痕もこれで癒えてゆくの?

You'll just never admit
Being embraced by me, jumping like a spoiled child,
being with me only when it's time to sleep.
Will the traces of my tears be healed with this?


[7] I understand in what sense the word "tell" is used here; I'm just perplexed about how to properly put that. Also, Short Translation Syndrome! Lol, should I worry that much about my lines having STS? D=

[8] The 「貴方」 that has an asterisk is actually written as 可愛い子 as the footnote says... so I'm wondering... while I'd transliterate what's sung, should I also translate what's sung too? ... or what's written? I mean... this isn't anything near a figurative.