Tombstone

[ELR]

Please critique as harsh or as easily as you choose, but please enjoy what you read if you can please.
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Tombstone
Night sky that shines down tonight,
Bless all who seem to be in sight,
Wash these tears that sting like a bite,
Turn all the fear into something bright.
Just wish you were here day and night
To help me hold of this ever fearing fight.

But facing down I have to cry,
You were too young to even die,
Losing in what you believed-sigh...
Every drop spilt feels so dry,
You left before I could even say bye,
From the stone I turn-I hope it's all a lie.

Rolling clouds of saddened gray,
And here your tombstone lay,
In this undermining shrubs ray,
But I have to leave with no delay,
I can't bare to see you all fray,
I promise to come back in the month of May.


-021120110138

[Lotha Cryso]

Need some work. Nice rhyming though.

[SigmaSD]

Well dont be mean it does need some work but not that much its actually pretty good. And you're right, it does rhyme pretty well.

[ELR]

^_^ I'm glad you liked it, and it being only a fifteen minute poem write and edit, glad it was at least good. Thank you.

@Sigma: Not mean, honest *hug*

[Lotha Cryso]

siggy she did say as harsh or as kind. dont worry, dnt think sis gets angry about such things. ill reread it when it isnt a roughdraft version, fix it up and well come back to say if its better or not

[Anime-Prince]

I really liked it. Didn't think it needed more work. It sounds incredibly fresh, like the thoughts had just appeared. Yet it the words were placed very specifically. Like it was a set of moral motions being placed into flow..

Oh, and-
Lotha Cryso- Perhaps instead of saying it needs some work, maybe give some examples of the parts, or issues, you think needs work? It makes a critique much more beneficial when you give specifics. Know what I mean?

[Kaname Shikara]

I missed your poetry ^^ great rhyming. Sometimes it's hard trying to rhyme a lot and make the poem sound good, but you did it just fine.

[Lotha Cryso]

Night sky that shines down tonight,
Bless all who seem to be in sight,
Wash these tears that sting like a bite,
Turn all the fear into something bright.
Just wish you were here day and night
(1)To help me hold of this ever fearing fight.

But facing down I have to cry,
You were too young to even die,
(2)Losing in what you believed-sigh...
Every drop spilt feels so dry,
You left before I could even say bye,
From the stone I turn-I hope it's all a lie.

Rolling clouds of saddened gray,
And here your tombstone lay,
In this undermining shrubs ray,
But I have to leave with no delay,
I can't bare to see you all fray,
I promise to come back in the month of May.


(1) "To help me hold of this ever fearing fight" could be phrased differently to make more since of the situation. it makes it sounds like she or he wants to hold onto the fear.
a) To help me keep away this ever fearing fight.
b) Help me through this fearing fight.
c) To be held through this ever fearing fight.
d) Help me hold onto this ever fearing fight.
do these not sounds more appropriate to put into the place?

(2) "Losing in what you believed-sigh.." looks a little framented.
a) Losing in what you have believed-sigh...
b) To have lost what you believe-sigh...
c) Losing in what you believe-sigh...
d) To lose what you have believed-sigh...
more mature of a sentence and still fight without looking chopped like it is.

to add onto that there is no constant flow to the poem, its chipped here and there. see what i mean? just a few little things.

next time shell look for them herself, prince, that is how we had normally done it.

[Anime-Prince]

next time shell look for them herself, prince, that is how we had normally done it.

She asked for critique. I was simply pointing out that it helps sometimes for another person, to point out you're mistakes. Besides, as a public thread we could all benefit from reading how another person critiques a poem. You're style of pointing out things you think needs work on, may help lots of other poets around here look at their work differently.

[ELR]

Thank you. *bow* I hope to be writing more with the new thing that keeps inspiring me. ^//^

Anime-Prince does have a point. It can help others when they are looking. And I know it isn't the best that could have been written but it is far better than a lot of things that could have been written by me. In the end, I'm just glad you all liked it and found whatever small mistakes that you found that I can work upon.