AnimeGalleries [dot] NetAnimeWallpapers [dot] ComAnimeLyrics [dot] ComAnimePedia [dot] ComAnimeGlobe [dot] Com

User Tag List

+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Tombstone

  1. #1
    Heart Cold As Ice ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR's Avatar
    Gil
    15.50
    Gender
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    02-27-2014 08:40 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Sayo, my original home
    Age
    24
    Threads
    54
    Posts
    580
    Blog Entries
    5
    Rep Power
    479

    Post Tombstone

    Please critique as harsh or as easily as you choose, but please enjoy what you read if you can please.
    ----------------

    Tombstone
    Night sky that shines down tonight,
    Bless all who seem to be in sight,
    Wash these tears that sting like a bite,
    Turn all the fear into something bright.
    Just wish you were here day and night
    To help me hold of this ever fearing fight.

    But facing down I have to cry,
    You were too young to even die,
    Losing in what you believed-sigh...
    Every drop spilt feels so dry,
    You left before I could even say bye,
    From the stone I turn-I hope it's all a lie.

    Rolling clouds of saddened gray,
    And here your tombstone lay,
    In this undermining shrubs ray,
    But I have to leave with no delay,
    I can't bare to see you all fray,
    I promise to come back in the month of May.


    -021120110138
    I am no more a rose than I am its thorns.
    No more a gentle breeze than I am the hailing storm.
    I am no more hated than I am loved.
    And I am no more heartfilled than I am heartless.
    This is who I am.
    ~ELR

  2. #2
    Junior Member Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso's Avatar
    Gil
    45.62
    Gender
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    03-03-2011 09:52 PM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Threads
    1
    Posts
    21
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: Tombstone

    Need some work. Nice rhyming though.
    Ease of life in which you may think is fine but really be that behind every wall there is someone trying to reach out to you. You'll never know if it is in a good way or bad way if you continue to run like that.

  3. #3
    Ellxeeva's Minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
    Gil
    87,496.36
    Gender
    My Mood
    Sleepy
    Gifts Luna Cake Lie Soras Keyblade
    Mentioned
    82 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    04-15-2014 11:22 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    In your dreams. =0
    Threads
    146
    Posts
    5,957
    Blog Entries
    118
    Rep Power
    6147
    Gamer IDs

    Wii Code: 1596-5790-7816-3407

    Default Re: Tombstone

    Well dont be mean it does need some work but not that much its actually pretty good. And you're right, it does rhyme pretty well.
    If Minecraft had a Japanese intro.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=H5qFZjuKet4

    |Set made by Neukifly|

    Super Saiyan Dango


  4. #4
    Heart Cold As Ice ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR's Avatar
    Gil
    15.50
    Gender
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    02-27-2014 08:40 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Sayo, my original home
    Age
    24
    Threads
    54
    Posts
    580
    Blog Entries
    5
    Rep Power
    479

    Default Re: Tombstone

    ^_^ I'm glad you liked it, and it being only a fifteen minute poem write and edit, glad it was at least good. Thank you.

    @Sigma: Not mean, honest *hug*
    I am no more a rose than I am its thorns.
    No more a gentle breeze than I am the hailing storm.
    I am no more hated than I am loved.
    And I am no more heartfilled than I am heartless.
    This is who I am.
    ~ELR

  5. #5
    Junior Member Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso's Avatar
    Gil
    45.62
    Gender
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    03-03-2011 09:52 PM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Threads
    1
    Posts
    21
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: Tombstone

    siggy she did say as harsh or as kind. dont worry, dnt think sis gets angry about such things. ill reread it when it isnt a roughdraft version, fix it up and well come back to say if its better or not
    Ease of life in which you may think is fine but really be that behind every wall there is someone trying to reach out to you. You'll never know if it is in a good way or bad way if you continue to run like that.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince's Avatar
    Gil
    31,910.70
    Gender
    My Mood
    Bookworm
    Gifts Favorite A Duck Naruto Headband
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    01-20-2014 07:21 PM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    North England.
    Age
    26
    Threads
    145
    Posts
    685
    Blog Entries
    41
    Rep Power
    1063

    Default Re: Tombstone

    I really liked it. Didn't think it needed more work. It sounds incredibly fresh, like the thoughts had just appeared. Yet it the words were placed very specifically. Like it was a set of moral motions being placed into flow..

    Oh, and-
    Lotha Cryso- Perhaps instead of saying it needs some work, maybe give some examples of the parts, or issues, you think needs work? It makes a critique much more beneficial when you give specifics. Know what I mean?
    Fascinated by the rain, influenced by the wind. Adventure for fun.

  7. #7
    Stuck in Love's Capture Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara's Avatar
    Gil
    5,474.71
    Gender
    My Mood
    Tired
    Gifts Hot Chocolate Flowers Fan2 Wolf
    Mentioned
    58 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    08-03-2013 06:15 PM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    In Between Darkness and Light, Engulfed in Fire and Ice
    Age
    20
    Threads
    138
    Posts
    2,563
    Blog Entries
    17
    Rep Power
    2386

    Default Re: Tombstone

    I missed your poetry ^^ great rhyming. Sometimes it's hard trying to rhyme a lot and make the poem sound good, but you did it just fine.

    Amazing set by
    Ezza Obsuna ^^

    The days fly by and the feelings remain
    So far away and causing us pain
    That's okay we'll make it through
    Soon we'll get to say "I love you"



  8. #8
    Junior Member Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso is just really nice Lotha Cryso's Avatar
    Gil
    45.62
    Gender
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    03-03-2011 09:52 PM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Threads
    1
    Posts
    21
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: Tombstone

    Night sky that shines down tonight,
    Bless all who seem to be in sight,
    Wash these tears that sting like a bite,
    Turn all the fear into something bright.
    Just wish you were here day and night
    (1)To help me hold of this ever fearing fight.

    But facing down I have to cry,
    You were too young to even die,
    (2)Losing in what you believed-sigh...
    Every drop spilt feels so dry,
    You left before I could even say bye,
    From the stone I turn-I hope it's all a lie.

    Rolling clouds of saddened gray,
    And here your tombstone lay,
    In this undermining shrubs ray,
    But I have to leave with no delay,
    I can't bare to see you all fray,
    I promise to come back in the month of May.


    (1) "To help me hold of this ever fearing fight" could be phrased differently to make more since of the situation. it makes it sounds like she or he wants to hold onto the fear.
    a) To help me keep away this ever fearing fight.
    b) Help me through this fearing fight.
    c) To be held through this ever fearing fight.
    d) Help me hold onto this ever fearing fight.
    do these not sounds more appropriate to put into the place?

    (2) "Losing in what you believed-sigh.." looks a little framented.
    a) Losing in what you have believed-sigh...
    b) To have lost what you believe-sigh...
    c) Losing in what you believe-sigh...
    d) To lose what you have believed-sigh...
    more mature of a sentence and still fight without looking chopped like it is.

    to add onto that there is no constant flow to the poem, its chipped here and there. see what i mean? just a few little things.

    next time shell look for them herself, prince, that is how we had normally done it.
    Ease of life in which you may think is fine but really be that behind every wall there is someone trying to reach out to you. You'll never know if it is in a good way or bad way if you continue to run like that.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince's Avatar
    Gil
    31,910.70
    Gender
    My Mood
    Bookworm
    Gifts Favorite A Duck Naruto Headband
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    01-20-2014 07:21 PM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    North England.
    Age
    26
    Threads
    145
    Posts
    685
    Blog Entries
    41
    Rep Power
    1063

    Default Re: Tombstone

    Quote Originally Posted by Lotha Cryso View Post
    next time shell look for them herself, prince, that is how we had normally done it.
    She asked for critique. I was simply pointing out that it helps sometimes for another person, to point out you're mistakes. Besides, as a public thread we could all benefit from reading how another person critiques a poem. You're style of pointing out things you think needs work on, may help lots of other poets around here look at their work differently.
    Fascinated by the rain, influenced by the wind. Adventure for fun.

  10. #10
    Heart Cold As Ice ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR's Avatar
    Gil
    15.50
    Gender
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    02-27-2014 08:40 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Sayo, my original home
    Age
    24
    Threads
    54
    Posts
    580
    Blog Entries
    5
    Rep Power
    479

    Default Re: Tombstone

    Thank you. *bow* I hope to be writing more with the new thing that keeps inspiring me. ^//^

    Anime-Prince does have a point. It can help others when they are looking. And I know it isn't the best that could have been written but it is far better than a lot of things that could have been written by me. In the end, I'm just glad you all liked it and found whatever small mistakes that you found that I can work upon.
    I am no more a rose than I am its thorns.
    No more a gentle breeze than I am the hailing storm.
    I am no more hated than I am loved.
    And I am no more heartfilled than I am heartless.
    This is who I am.
    ~ELR

+ Reply to Thread

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

     

Similar Threads

  1. Tombstone
    By SigmaSD in forum Miscellaneous Miscellany
    Replies: 53
    Last Post: 07-14-2009, 02:47 PM
  2. What person's name wouldnt you want to see on a tombstone?
    By Frequency in forum Miscellaneous Miscellany
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 11-11-2005, 06:06 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts