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Thread: Sound Online - The story of departure

  1. #1
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    Default Sound Online - The story of departure

    Hi! I need help with this. ^^


    Tell me that meaning of the song
    Beautiful story that you know
    It looks like her story
    I can't never think of you

    (Delightful English Stanza)

    何もかも白く染めて 舞い落ちてく春雪
    受け止める小さな手の 指の間通り抜けた

    Dyeing everything in white, the Spring snow was dancing as it fell down,
    passing through your small hands' fingers as you tried to catch it

    最後のコトバは
    「笑って?…ありがと」
    離れた心はもう寄り添えないの?

    Your last words were,
    "A laugh? ... Thank you"
    So did our hearts become so distant that they cannot nestle together again?

    色の無い世界に一人生まれたから
    こんな鮮やかな場所で
    (Want to show the scar of your mind)
    なんの色にも染まらずに唄うあなたが
    まぶしくて瞳を閉じてた
    (Tell me What makes you look so sad)

    You were in that gorgeous place
    because you were born alone in the colorless world
    (Wanting to show me the scar of your mind)
    Without being in any color, you were singing
    charmingly, with your eyes closed
    (Tell me what makes you look so sad)

    この身体削りながら輝かせた宝石
    「その石は哀しすぎる」
    告げた笑顔壊れそうで

    Errr... excuse my innocent question, but... what is this stanza talking about? ^^;

    Body shaving? ... "gems"? ... Am I the only one with a Freudian sense of humor or is it really saying something I do not understand? >_<

    最後のコトバは
    「サヨナラ 好きだよ」
    二人の季節はもう繋がらないの?

    My last words were,
    "Bye... I love you"
    So won't our seasons harmonize together anymore?

    Better way to deliver this one?

    深い傷を負って色も分からぬまま
    涙さえ忘れてく
    (Want to see the scar of my mind)
    はらりはらり落ちるこの想いと春雪
    待ちわびる次の時節
    (Tell me What makes you look so sad)

    I'll take care of your scars, and without knowing colors,
    You'll forget even your tears
    (I want you to see the scar of my mind)
    My feelings and this Spring snow fall gently,
    impatiently waiting for the next season
    (Tell me what makes you look so sad)

    千の色に溢れ廻る偽り音
    こんな作られた世界で
    (Want to show the scar of your mind)
    なんの色にも染まらずに生きるあなたを
    春雪が舞い包んだ (I can't be alive without you)

    Fake sounds overflow in countless tones,
    echoing in this artificial world
    (You want to show me the scar of your mind)
    The Spring snow danced down and covered you,
    who were living without any color (I can't be alive without you)

    1) Need feedback on the first two lines

    2) I know this isn't the right way to word the last two lines... Not sure if "danced down" would make be right. (or abusing grammar: "The Spring snow dancingly covered you")

    Tell me that meaning of the song
    Beautiful story that you know
    It looks like her story
    I can't never think of you


    Any criticism is appreciated. ^^
    Last edited by Aku no Hikari; 01-24-2011 at 07:18 PM. Reason: added "our"
     

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Sound Online - The story of departure

    >何もかも白く染めて 舞い落ちてく春雪
    >受け止める小さな手の 指の間通り抜けた
    Ugh! I always hated having to translate certain words, and 舞い落ちる is one of them, no doubt...
    I tend to always translate it into "drift down" or "flutter down" as this is the closest term I can come up with. (Maybe someone else has a better suggestion...) But it really doesn't have to do with "dance", so you probably won't need to mention dance at all. It simply describes the slow but graceful falling of something very light.
    Also, instead of "passing", how about "slipping"? I don't think the snow can actually physically pass through anyone's finger, lol.

    >「笑って?…ありがと」
    I'm inclined to translate this line as "Smile, please?...Thank you." The one leaving probably didn't want to see the protagonist sad, so s/he asked the protagonist to please smile.

    >色の無い世界に一人生まれたから
    >こんな鮮やかな場所で
    >なんの色にも染まらずに唄うあなたが
    >まぶしくて瞳を閉じてた
    This stanza is one single HUGE sentence, so translating them together would make more sense to you:
    Because you were born alone into a colorless world,
    now in a brightly colored place like this,
    you, not dyed in any color, were singing,
    but the colors were so brilliant that you had to close your eyes.
    btw the subject here is ambiguous. Could be "you", "I", or "we". I'm falling asleep right now so I'm not in the best shape to think hard... ^^

    >この身体削りながら輝かせた宝石
    >「その石は哀しすぎる」
    >告げた笑顔壊れそうで
    Assuming nobody is into anything funky or kinky, you'll have to use some imagination and metaphor. Yes, it is true that 削る can also be used for polishing rocks/gems, I want to take it as "overworking" or "straining" here, as in, the protagonist worked really hard, to the point that he was hurting his own body. Sorta a double reference here: 削る refers both to his body and the gem.
    So : I worked really hard to polish a piece of ore into a shiny gem. However,...

    >二人の季節はもう繋がらないの?
    Just my personal take: Are we not to share the same season again?
    I feel like I can come up with something better, but I'm kinda rushing right now (since I need to sleep soon), so maybe someone else will have a better suggestion. Or if I think of something better tomorrow, I'll come back and add that.

    >深い傷を負って色も分からぬまま
    Just one thing here: 傷を負う = to sustain an injury.
    Having sustained a deep wound, and still unable to discern colors, you/I...
    Not sure about the subject. I'll need to go through the whole song to get a better idea of who exactly is the subject here. But not now.

    And the last two lines:
    You, who will live on colorlessly,
    have been embraced by the gracefully falling spring snow.



    Sorry I'm kinda rushing. Gotta go to bed now. >.<

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Sound Online - The story of departure

    Thanks for helping, animeyay-sensei! ^^

    I read this and I wanted to reply to it earlier, but I was in a severe lack of sleep... Orz

    Quote Originally Posted by animeyay View Post
    I tend to always translate it into "drift down" or "flutter down" as this is the closest term I can come up with. (Maybe someone else has a better suggestion...) But it really doesn't have to do with "dance", so you probably won't need to mention dance at all. It simply describes the slow but graceful falling of something very light.
    Ahhhh, right, right!! Indeed, it was always annoying to translate (although I understood what it means), but "flutter down" solves it!

    The one leaving probably didn't want to see the protagonist sad, so s/he asked the protagonist to please smile.
    The singer is female, and for some reason I like to think that she is the protagonist (and thus that the other hero is male). (... which is kinda more solid considering the "polishing" part below)

    This stanza is one single HUGE sentence, so translating them together would make more sense to you:
    Because you were born alone into a colorless world,
    now in a brightly colored place like this,
    you, not dyed in any color, were singing,
    but the colors were so brilliant that you had to close your eyes.
    btw the subject here is ambiguous. Could be "you", "I", or "we". I'm falling asleep right now so I'm not in the best shape to think hard... ^^
    I think the subject is "you" since she says "want[ing] to show the scar of your mind", explaining why he is in this place.

    Assuming nobody is into anything funky or kinky, you'll have to use some imagination and metaphor. Yes, it is true that 削る can also be used for polishing rocks/gems, I want to take it as "overworking" or "straining" here, as in, the protagonist worked really hard, to the point that he was hurting his own body. Sorta a double reference here: 削る refers both to his body and the gem.
    So : I worked really hard to polish a piece of ore into a shiny gem. However,...
    I think I figured out a good way to say it...

    My body was the glittering gem that I had worked so hard to polish*,
    but you said to me, "this gem is too sad,"
    with a smiling face that looked like it was about to break down

    *(literally: my body was the gem I made to glitter while (i.e., with the hassles of) polishing it)

    I forgot to ask this earlier, but... is there a better way to translate *そう?

    Just one thing here: 傷を負う = to sustain an injury.
    Having sustained a deep wound, and still unable to discern colors, you/I...
    Not sure about the subject. I'll need to go through the whole song to get a better idea of who exactly is the subject here. But not now.
    I think the subject is "I", as she says "[I] want [you] to see the scar of my mind".
     

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    Default Re: Sound Online - The story of departure

    Quote Originally Posted by Aku no Hikari View Post
    I think I figured out a good way to say it...

    My body was the glittering gem that I had worked so hard to polish*,
    but you said to me, "this gem is too sad,"
    with a smiling face that looked like it was about to break down

    *(literally: my body was the gem I made to glitter while (i.e., with the hassles of) polishing it)

    I forgot to ask this earlier, but... is there a better way to translate *そう?
    OOOOOOOOOOO!! I LOVE it! You have just earned yourself one internet for this! I can't believe I didn't see it this way last night...well I guess I really was falling asleep, lol.

    Another way to translate そう? The line you came up with, "with a smiling face that looked like it was about to break down", was meaning-wise pretty accurate, I thought. Or maybe did you just think it was too long? If you are trying to shorten it, I guess "with a smile on the brink of crumbling" or something like that?



    Okay, okay, now that I looked at the lyrics once more with a brain that's not falling asleep, XD, I need to make a correction to what I said last night. This stanza:
    色の無い世界に一人生まれたから
    こんな鮮やかな場所で
    なんの色にも染まらずに唄うあなたが
    まぶしくて瞳を閉じてた
    should have been something like:
    Because you were born alone into a colorless world,
    now in a colorful place like this,
    you, singing, and not dyed in any color at all,
    were so bright that I had to close my eyes.
    (Note to myself: do NOT ever translate while half-asleep again.)
    I guess now the protagonist is being blinded by あなた's colorlessness; I guess white can be a very blinding color.



    I think you've pretty much got everything down now! Oh one last thing, I listened to the song just now, and she indeed said toorinuketa. She kinda got loose with the u sound there, and pronounced it as schwa [ə] (uh), so maybe that's why it sounded like toorinaketa to you, but that wouldn't be a real word...

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Sound Online - The story of departure

    Quote Originally Posted by animeyay View Post
    OOOOOOOOOOO!! I LOVE it! You have just earned yourself one internet for this! I can't believe I didn't see it this way last night...well I guess I really was falling asleep, lol.
    *sniff*
    *takes the internet and places it carefully on the top row of his internets collection*

    should have been something like:
    Because you were born alone into a colorless world,
    now in a colorful place like this,
    you, singing, and not dyed in any color at all,
    were so bright that I had to close my eyes.
    Ahhh right!! O_O

    I guess now the protagonist is being blinded by あなた's colorlessness; I guess white can be a very blinding color.
    XD

    I think you've pretty much got everything down now! Oh one last thing, I listened to the song just now, and she indeed said toorinuketa. She kinda got loose with the u sound there, and pronounced it as schwa [ə] (uh), so maybe that's why it sounded like toorinaketa to you, but that wouldn't be a real word...
    Kay. And thanks for the help again! ^^
    Last edited by Aku no Hikari; 01-25-2011 at 02:09 PM.
     

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