Sacrifice by Ali Project
Yes, I know that it can be a nightmare translating Ali Project songs, but sometimes I am willing to give it a try...
Under the glass sky
this city is rubble of forest
Dream of neon color scatters
in this place here, cruelly and beautifully
crossing over to that space
now I want to meet you
in order to live
The eye of child's eye is
hidden in the cellar
both judgement and pardon
I want to pour, I want to lift up
only this body's red-red blood
as a proof of life
At the paradice of degradation
Pleasure is a virtue of gods
Girls are filled with nothingness
The tooth of child's tooth is
sleeping in the cellar
is too distant
Flame of love floods
Under the glass sky
this world is rubble of forest
I couldn't translate some lines, and I would apreciate help with it, as well as a second opinion in paragraphs composition.
>this city is rubble of forest
Something to keep in mind: XのY is "the Y of X," not "the X of Y." You've translated the line as if it says 森の瓦礫, but it's 瓦礫の森, so rather than "(the) rubble of (a) forest," it should be "a forest of rubble." (Personally I think "ruins" would sound nicer than "rubble," but that's up to you.)
>Dream of neon color scatters
"A neon-colored dream" would sound more natural
This is a tricky bit and it took me a while to figure it out, but I think I've got it now. First of all, it says 子供ら -- "children," plural. Second, 地下室に潜んだ is modifying the children themselves, not the eyes. Lastly, 目には目を seems to correspond directly to the English expression "an eye for an eye." So it's along the lines of "an eye for the eyes of the children hidden in the basement."
Seems pretty straightforward to me -- "I cannot cleanse this impurity alone." If you tell me what part you were having trouble with, I may be able to explain it.
>At the paradice of degradation
It's spelled "paradise."
>Pleasure is a virtue of gods
As with the "瓦礫の森" line, you're translating as if it's 神の美徳 rather than 美徳の神. 美徳の神 would be "virtuous god," I believe.
"Beasts feed on flesh." Again, I'm not sure what part was tripping you up, but if you tell me I can try to explain.
This follows the same pattern as the previous stanza with this structure -- it's really the same but with "sleeping" rather than "hidden" and "a tooth for the teeth of..." rather than "an eye for the eyes of..."
There's an omitted verb in both these lines, but I'm not sure what it is. Anyway, generally with omitted verbs, unless I have a very good idea what they are I don't translate the line as a full sentence. What I'd do here is "The overflowing flame of love... / The otherwise sublime death..." but if you'd rather do "the flame of love overflows / death is sublime" or something like that, it wouldn't be wrong.
Overall, I think you've done a good job, considering that Ali Project is, well, Ali Project. I hope my feedback was helpful to you.
Thank you very much!
My Japanese is limited by a dictionary and an electronic translator, plus a highly vague knowledge of grammar, so when I can't translate something it is because at least one of those things failed me in a particular sentence. So, again, thank you. It is very appreciated.