Constructive criticism for my NHS essay, please.

My speech is on Tuesday. I'll be reading this speech off note-cards, but I'm trying to memorize it first. Please give me your feedback and thoughts about it. This is for the National Honor Society officer election.

START:
So before I start, even though I’ve tried to make this speech as funny and direct as possible, please blame X if it’s not because she gave me some ideas. She might be hiding somewhere…

-points-

Okay! First of all, my name is Y. I am running for vice president because of the fact that the President needs someone reliable to work with as well as everyone else needs someone dependable and who is always around.

The president can't be everywhere and do
everything himself.

There has to be
Another person—a vice president—to assist and lead. Did I mention that I’ve been friends with the future president -that dude over there- since 3rd grade?

He’s still so attracted to me that in Ecology class, he leaves his own table and creeps up on me and sit in an empty chair behind me!

Ms. W can vouch for me!

Anyways, I’m not going to lie and say that I can fly to anyone of you when you need help. I can’t even swim across bricks to help out the president in a minute. But a few months ago, I was awarded the Mayor Nutter’s award for having straight A’s and PERFECT ATTENDANCE -so be assured that I’ll always be present and at meetings. And whenever the president can’t or isn’t present to do something, I’ll be ready to fill in anytime.

I won’t go into long, detailed explanation of why I have character, leadership, service, or scholarship: every member of the NHS has that. Personally, my reason for wanting to be Vice President is quite simple. I don’t want to be in the NHS without a purpose -or at least, without a major role. I want to be able to set a perfect example in the future for others who wants to become a Vice President. Of course, every member has their own role and contribution -I’m just selfish and greedy.

So to wrap this up short and sweet, please vote for me or else my bodyguard that I hired, Z, will beat you up.
Just kidding!

No not really…
I’m serous about the voting part -not the beating up.

Thank you.