so are you gonna get on skype so i can talk to you...might as well...instead of playing AF tag...:P
I guess.. youre right.
and no...dont be sorry for saying anything...i'm just telling you what is in my mind...dont scorn me for that. i just wish you would understand. you dont necessarrily need to believe it like i do...that is your choice. we make up our own minds. but this all is how i feel and i wish you could see me for who i really am and not have your vision clouded by my dumb failures. that's what it seems like to me anyways. you wrap yourself up in your pain so much that all you see is the pain well before you see what is really there. you've done that since before me. or at least i think you have, that seemed to be a defensive habit of yours that you had when we first me...so i dont think i can claim that...but i'm at least partially responsible for it still existing...
Well.. I guess Im glad you find it amusing. I didnt mean to up set you. I know youre not the same person. Im sorry for making you feel otherwise.
sorry you got stuck with such a loser...but my past is just that...my past. i hate it, but there is nothing i can do about it. well i just suffificently spent a whole wad of time rambling mindlessly...not even sure if any of that made any sense...hopefully. it made sense in my head...well i'll let you go now. hopefully i get to talk to you soon. it sure would be good to hear your voice and see your smile. i love you jen. I REMAIN FAITHFULLY FOREVER YOUR LOVER & KING>Ron
if you havent noticed, that would be why i seem a little uncomfortable when kikyou shows up and there is the whole love triangle thing...it just brings my self loathing back. as a matter of fact, i do that with more than just inuyasha...i notice those types of similarities in a lot of things...most of the time i try to ignore it and tell myself "shut up stupid it's just a movie" but most of the time i fail...so if you ever wonder where my unusual mood swings that could give you some wicked whiplash come from, that might be the cause. i just dont like this part of myself, i try to bury it. never works though. there isnt much about myself that i do like. especially not from my past. i was a freak growing up, a loser throughout high school, barely got to make my mark in college, pretty much drowned out of that attempt...failed miserably as a soldier. not much in my life to be proud of. except maybe who i am trying to be now.
i look at myself now and i look back to myself then and i can see a huge change. i dont see the same person. you can call me out on this if you want to but this is how i feel...i feel stronger, more compelled to fight to the death over my convictions, more protective of the things that really matter, more clarvoiyant of what is truly important to me...i've come to know more of who i really am and what it is that makes me the way i am. the part that sucks is, i ruined all that before i had a chance to really become the man you deserve. so for all it was worth, i am scorned with this hazy cloud of darkened days and no amount of effort will ever be able to chase away the clouds. must be why i dont mind the rain...i'm used to the depression. but that's ok. i find your enlightenment to the correlation of inuyasha, kagome and kikyou kind of amusing. i put those pieces together very long ago.
.. sorry I said anything.
you dont know how easy it would be for me to sell my very soul just for a minute of your happieness. i hate that you think there is still something lingering. i hate that you think that there is anyone else in my heart other than you. and as far as that whole part about you wanting "undying love that extends beyond life"...that is all i have for you. i wish you could see that...i wish you could see and not suspect that there is no other...i only have room for you...and i'll remain cursed and i'll give my very last breath if it means i can see you happy for just one moment. i wish you would understand this...the sad fact is, i'm not the person i was then...i'm so much more. i think i was still a bit young and childish...that's not an excuse, i'm just saying.
sheesh...what am i gonna do with you? i just wish i could erase that dark time from your mind. what we went through was my greatest failure and the fact that you are still here is my only saving grace. if i could have anything in the world it would be to go back in time and slap myself before i did what i did. you dont know how much i hate what ive done and when i hear you talk like that it hurts even worse. to hear you talk like you dont think you are the very jewel at the shining center of my universe, it just kills me. you dont know how many times over i've wished for death just so you wouldnt have to deal with me anymore. just so you could banish the memory and forget you ever knew me, just so you wouldnt hurt anymore.