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hadoken
08-16-2008, 08:12 PM
First, the link to "Rumbling Hearts (http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/kimiganozomueien/rumblinghearts.htm)" from Kimi ga Nozomu Eien.


And now the blow by blow.

Original Japanese/English in code, suggested revision below with comments in parentheses.


Anata he no omoi IkitekuAnata e no omoi ikiteku

(he is an inappropriate romanization for this grammatical particle)



The distant rainbow we met
My memory of you will live on
For eternityWe can find each other under that far-off rainbow
My memories for you live on
Forever

(the original misses the potential conjugation and misconstrues the object of the sentence)



The soft wind holds
Your memory my heart becomes painful
On top of the hill by myself
The seasons are waivingEmbraced by the gentle wind,
My heart agonizes over memories of you
Alone atop the hill,
I watch the seasons pass

(the original misses the subject and is generally awkward)



Beyond the blue skies
What can I see?
I want courage
And pray for silenceWhat can be seen
Beyond the blue skies?
I pray silently:
Please give me courage

(the last line in the original mistakes an adverb for a direct object)



I can't go back anymore
To your arms wrapped around me
The gentle days
The hazy summer memories remain
The tiny fireworks disappear
Even nowNow there's no going back,
Back to those tender days
Wrapped in your arms
Those summer memories still faintly remain
And the little fireworks do not disappear
Even now

(the second to last line in the original mistranslates a negative verb as affirmative)



The water sprays the light pours
It looks like crystal! Look!
It shines
Even the innocent smile
I am taken by itThe sprinkler water glitters in the sunlight
And oh!
How it shines like a crystal
That innocent smile
Takes me away

(the original is very literal and awkward)



Our fingertips touch
That degree of uneasiness
For just a little more
Hold me like thisEach time our fingers touch
I become ill at ease
Please hold on to me
For just a moment longer

(the original omits a word and loses the semantic connection between the first two lines)



I can't return anymore
Hesitating to be hurt
Those young days
Inside my heart, the secret is raised
The tiny memory disappears
Even nowI can no longer return
To the days of my youth
When I feared pain
I cannot forget
These feelings I've held deep in my heart
Not now

(the original loses the semantic connection throughout the stanza, mistranslates a negative verb, and mistranslates the meaning of the particle "de wa" in this context)



Someday
Everything will
Become gentle
That day I saw the seven-colored dream
The distant rainbow we met
My memory of you will live on
For eternityI know that someday
This will all become sweet memories
The rainbow-like dream I had on that day
We can find each other under that far-off rainbow
My memories for you live on
Forever

(the original mistakes a noun for an adjective; some free translation added to make sense in English)

I realize that my translation may have some awkwardness in it, but I hope it can serve as a basis for better revisions.

The purpose of this revision is to fix clear grammatical and translation errors.

The full revision draft is attached.

AzureDark
08-17-2008, 03:47 AM
Anata he no omoi IkitekuAnata e no omoi ikiteku

(he is an inappropriate romanization for this grammatical particle)
I actually agree with you that 'he' is to me the wrong romanization for that particle but different transliterators have different conventions and you should know that.

That aside, I agree with the translation corrections on just a short look-through because the current one is definitely terrible.

...have you played Kiminozo? I'm just one of the many people traumatized by it (and when this song plays I get so disturbed...)

hadoken
09-01-2008, 05:29 PM
Yeah, still struggling for the Mitsuki ending. I'm not sure how I ended up with Akane on my last playthrough, but I'm not complaining. Mmm, spicy meatball.