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Tsukamoto-San
08-08-2008, 05:11 PM
Chapter 1: The Story Begins

The valley was dotted with fire and smoke; rements of a battle. Below the for moons was a creature. It's fur, deep red in color, was disheveled and clumps were missing. Drool dripped from its ivory fangs as it tried to stand on its own four legs.

"Give up, Luko." A small girl stood over it. "We're not letting you destroy our home."

Luko's chest heaved with laughter, "I'm not giving up that easily. I've got a job to do and I'm going to do it."

"Pandora," her brother rested his hand on her shoulder, "lets give him another reason to leave us alone."

She nodded. "Lets do it, Prometheus." Pandora placed a hand out in front of her. "Solar Sword-"

Before she could finish, Luko jumped to his feet, roaring. The force knocked Pandora backwards. The ground surrounding her blew into flames as Luko started to laugh again.

"What made you think I could be defeated so easily?" He force the words out. "Demis want a planet full of energy that she can rule. And I'm going to give her one."

Prometheus, desperate to free his twin, grabbed the bow attached to his back. "Yeah, well, tell Demis she can't have our home." He got into position, "let her go."

Sticking his nose in the air, Luko sniffed, "I'm sensing another planet. One with lots more energy then here." Luko hissed as more spit dripped from his fangs. "Earth will be my next target."

Prometheus began to aim the empty bow at Luko. "I told you to let my sister go. If you don't..." His voice drifted off as he watched Pandora dodge a flame that shot at her.

Luko tilted his head, as if he was teasing Prometheus, "You can have her." He leaped high into the air before vanishing.

Just as suddenly as the appeared, the flames disappeared. Pandora got to her feet slowly and painfully. "What...do we do...now?"

Prometheus thought a moment before sighing, "I say we should follow him. Earth doesn't know what is going to hit them and their going to need our help."

"So, I guess we're going to Earth then. Right?" Pandora looked up at the sky, staring as the fifth moon that started to rise.

He looked down at his sister, proud of how far she had come and how much she learned. He smiled at her, "Yes. We're going to help."

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Sorry this is so short but it's just an intro. So, I hope you enjoy it.

Mysti Queen
08-09-2008, 01:06 AM
I think it sounds interesting. And it's very welll written. I couldn't find any mistakes at all. Your spelling and punctuation are definitely in check. I'd like to see what happens next. Please continue when you can. =]

Daenerys
08-09-2008, 12:07 PM
It's good for an intro. But I think you should describe more. Like what do the characters look like? Also just a suggestion, but try to use paragraphs instead of double spacing, it will be easier to read and look nicer. :)