View Full Version : Doom Fanfiction: Untitled: Prologue

07-09-2008, 03:03 PM

The sun blazes into my room as my mother throws open my curtains and says
"Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!!!!! A new day and a new adventure awaits! NOW GET UP!"
"Good god mother, it is 8 in the flipping morning let me sleep. The demons and monsters can wait for there chance to kill me in a couple more hours." My mother, a direct descendant of the Koesy family, would never take such back-talk and I knew that, so it came as no surprise to me when she quickly lashed back with;
"I am going to go make breakfast, if you are not up and ready when the eggs are done then i swear to you i will feed you to the Tarpit Demons!"
Great not only had I pissed the worlds angriest mother off, but now I faced the possibility of getting grounded to my bed, how much stupider could I have gotten?

I jumped out of bed and had my pants and shirt on before she left my room.Twenty minutes later I was sitting at the table eating a nice big portion of eggs and bacon. Mother always said that if I ate more I would grow bigger. I would get bigger yes but not up wards. My little brother and sister came in about 5 minutes after me. Both had the same dreary eyed look.
"Big bubba can I go with you on your adventure today?" Said brother.
The most frequently asked question of the house. The answer was always
"Aw come on big brother. Its my birthday I am old enough now aren't I let me go please?"
His begging reply and puppy dog eyes didn't faze me a bit
"No! Sorry, I cant let you come. Your not trained for what I'm doing today, you would get killed. Hell I might get killed if I don't watch what im doing. The Red Stars have called me in because there Mage has gone missing and they need a replacement. I'm the closest thing to a Mage for city's around. It would take days to get one in from somewhere else but they need one now."

The Red Stars were an elite team of mercenary soldiers. Highly trained in every field imaginable. They sweeped the deepest darkest pits of Mars, constantly looking for demons and the like. No one knows for sure but its rumored that they were the group that single handedly stopped the first invasion on earth, and took down the first reported Cyber Demon.

My little brother gave me one of those puppy dog looks. He just turned 18 and was already looking for some action. Huh, reminds me of a younger me.
"Wont work dude. Sorry go with your sis she has easy stuff today."
My sister gave me a really dirty look.
"Hey don't dump him on me, I have to go to the pits today. Sorry little bro but your stuck here all day."
My mother looked up from the dishes, obviously not liking the sound of Jef being home all day and said "OK since nobody is going to be nice to Jeffery I'll make the decision, he will go with you Shawn."
My mouth dropped open in dis-beleife.
"Mom he cant go with me its dangerous on Mars make him go with Brandi."
"No he needs to see what he'll be fighting when he's your age so make him see now rather than latter."
"But whats the point if he gets killed?"
"Hell be safe if hes with you. And you can heal him if he gets hurt."
"But mom I cant bring him back from the dead!"
"That's the end of the story no more arguing hes going with you Shawn and that's it!"
No point in arguing now. This seriously hampers my movements now. Not only do I have a whole team to watch and care for if injured, but now I have my own brother out there. If only mother knew just how bad of an area we were going today is.

~end of first part~

-Update Coming Soon-

Well first installment. Hope yall like. Criticism is greatly appreciated and welcome. This is actually a fan fic i already wrote before on another forum, but i was so horrible of a writer back then i just reposted. I edited alot of it and spell checked on my own. Things are still misspelled but trust me its not as bad as it was before.

Like i said comment and tell me what yall think.

07-09-2008, 06:03 PM
I think you should really get into the habit of capitalizing I. Serious, it's hard to take you serious when you don't. There were a few other grammatical issues, but if you really want to know what they are you can just ask me later. Moving away from that, I'm not a fan of FPS, so it naturally follows that this kind of story is just not my thing. So I might be biased when I say that the storyline doesn't sound interesting enough to keep your readers. And what is this? It's too short to be a chapter. Prologue? And please, next time label it correctly and don't post !@#$ to avoid swearing, tis not allowed. v.v

Edit: Oh, you overdid the punctuation a bit there. Kinda annoying.