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Bittersweet
05-08-2008, 08:44 PM
deleted

Anime.Caela
05-10-2008, 07:43 AM
A beautiful piece of work it really touched my heart. You got talent and should carry on.

Hypergraphian
05-14-2008, 01:52 PM
Alright, no need to comment on grammatical errors here since you seem to have done a good job in that area. I was wondering if I should lay this one on you since you seem to have put in quite an effort to go through the descriptors. I finally decided to because I realized that you had talent and with talent, a little tweaking could help.

I found the piece over descriptive. I will pluck out a couple of examples for you to mull over. Take this for example, "Her black hair enhanced her pale white skin, giving her a nice looking complexion, which matched her crystal blue eyes."

"Her black hair enhanced her pale white skin" - This already tells readers that her skin was beautiful and radiant in the moonlight.

"Nice looking complexion" - Which makes this redundant, I feel.

Let's take another sentence, "Once before, she had told him she'd always be there; she said she'd never leave him." Here, "She had told him she'd always be there" and "She said she'd never leave him" are basically the same thing.

I understand what you were trying to accomplish and that was a beautiful dramatic scene comprised of two individuals deeply in love with each other. But sometimes, less is more. Ponder about that for a bit, I'm not saying what you did was wrong and for those who prefer a more detailed description, this is fine. I just prefer economizing my word choices, like I've often been told to do so :) Keep up the good work.