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Sasuke_Kunai
05-07-2008, 11:43 AM
Last Melody.
Pilot: History.


"enter the Pub! maybe he is in there!" a strange man said.
He was surrounded by darkness, before him stood a group op man.
There flesh was rot, "Hurry!" Said the strange man.
And the Group enterd the Pub, Once inside one of the group drawed a knife from his pocket: "Surrender now! or consider consequences", But instead of surrendering the other people drawed
there weapons also: "You will not scare us monster!". and so a fight started, For a couple of houres People and Monster fought.

Al of a sudden the door of the Pub dissapeard and the man surrounded by evilness arrived: "What's taking you so long?".
And he saw the big fight: "Muwhahaha! you stupid humans, there is no way of winnig against my slave's, As soon the people heared that they surrenderd themselfs: "Good, now tell me where i can find Yanguz?", But there was nothing else than silence.
"Bloody hell, tell me!", and a black energy bal was created in the hands of the Evil man: "Tel me before il kill one of you!".
and again no one spoke a word: "my patience is runnig of!".
The man aimed the eneregy ball on one of people: "Bye!".

suddenly a man whit long black hear and a scar arrived in the door opening: "You are looking for me!", The man twisted around and saw Yanguz: "Where is the sceptre!". Yanguz drawed his axe.
"I told you before, im not telling you!", The strange man's face Turned Evil, and black wings apeared on his back.
"Youre not?" Two black energy balls arrived in the hands of the man, "Then consider death!" the man shoots the balls on Yanguz.
"You wil never know!" Whit that last words Yanguz is cut into pieces, "Monsters! kill every one in the village and search for the Sceptre!", and in a hour the whole village was killed, womans where reaped, children where eaten, and the worste thing.
The Sceptre of internal power was brought to Ma´stro.

Now twenty years later, a boy named Beat is born.
When he was six his parents got killed, en he is rased by his grandpa.
Now Beat is Fourteen, whit his fighting skills and his best friend Jazz on his side, his journey to save the world has begon.

Assassin of Konoha
05-07-2008, 09:29 PM
the white hurts my eyes >.< and the words are way too small to read!!

Gaara's True Girlfriend
05-20-2008, 04:23 PM
um....it's cool, but there are a lot of grammer mistakes..........for example, "drawed" is not a word, it would be drew "he drew the knife" instead of "he drawed the knife".

Karsh
06-20-2008, 03:34 PM
The storyline sounds interesting but there are many mistakes. And in a story the grammatic is really important.

Capernicus
06-20-2008, 03:42 PM
Most importantly its labeled incorrectly, and really too short for me to consider even a short story. And yeah, grammar needs fixing. I suggest getting a beta.

Fabala
06-20-2008, 06:09 PM
I'm changing the title to "Original Fiction" for now, until you tell me (I believe I sent you a PM ages ago) what it's a fanfiction of. I have no idea.