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ZeianStar
02-23-2008, 01:26 PM
Hero Saga Serzian Island

Chapter I

It says in myth that great beasts called the Olpsa looked like Dragons and Phoenix
and were friends with the humans. Eveyone says The Olpsa is just garbage.....but
a sage called "Wers" belives the myth and he is doing research on the Olpsa. It took
Wers 3 months to find the location of the Olpsa, the Olpsa live in the Serzian Island
that on one had eveer went to. Today Wers and his finest students "Herisia", "Seri", "Trever"
and "Reda" are going to the Serzian island.

16 May 2000
Serzian Island.
Wers: C'mon students we're almost on the island.
Reda: Wers I'm scared.
Wers: No need to be scared Reda I'm with you.
Herisia: This place is huge even huger than Trever's castle.
Trever: HERISiA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Herisia: Sorry Trev.
Seri: Hey look over there guys it's a village...or at least I think it's one.
Wers: I thought no one ever came to this island ever.
Reda: Maybe It's from the time humans and Olpsa live togehter.
Trever: Reda could be right.
Wers: Let's go see this village.
*In the village*
Seri: No one is here, looks abandon.
Herisia: If thats the case than why is the lights on in that hut over there?
Wers: Someone still lives here or a baby olpsa could be there.
Trever: No time to waste I'm checking this out.
Herisia: Terv wait up.
Seri: Hey don't forget me.
Wers: Errrrrr this is not such a good idea get back here.
Reda: Oh come back, looks like I have to go too.
Wers: Reda not you too. There are going inside, what I'm I going to do with you....Trever....,Seri...,Herisia and.....Reda.
Trever: WoW this place is huge.
Herisia: Then maybe a Olpsa lives here.
Trever: this place must have about 7 to 9 floors.
Wers: Yes this place could be a Olpsa home.
Herisia: Let's just go the the secound floor.
Wers: Wait we should explore around here first.
Seri: Let's split up.
Reda: Then Me and Wers will explore here. Herisia, Trever and Seri will explore the new floor right?
Wers: It will be best to not split up but you're....
Trever: Ya we know we're all very very very at magic and we're good students.
Wers: I never even get to complete what i was say, I give up with them.
Reda: Hey, Wers see this necklace that I found on the floor.
Wers: It looks like a normal necklace you can keep it.
*Meanwhile on the next floor*
Herisia: Seri, Trever, some scrpit is here. It is in some other text.
Trever: Better call Wers.
Seri: There is a button here, shall I press it.
Trever: No of course not every place like this has a button and If you press the button it's a trap.
Seri: Whatever *presses button*.
Herisia: The ground is rumbling, Seri you idiot.
*Back on the first floor*
Wers: The ground is shaking Herisia and the others much have found something.
Reda: Wers, I found another necklace.
Wers: No time for that now Reda we must go to the next floor.
*Back to the secound floor*
Seri: This place has a third floor.
Trever: That explains why this hut looks so big outside.
Wers: So what made the noise?
Herisia: How long have you been here?
Seri: The was about the press a button then Trever stoped me, but I still pressed the button.
Wers: About 2467456562 secounds.
Terver: Actually I told Seri to press the button.
Wers: Oh! so you found anything out of the unusual?
Herisia: Yes I found this page it has some odd text on it. Can you read it?
Wers: I can read it..it...it..it must be text ancient.
Reda: And I found these necklaces.
Wers: They look like normal necklaces.
Seri: It can be normal must be ancient.
Reda: Then you can were them for luck.
Wers: These necklaces could have spells on it.
Trever: He's right but....we better keep them, might help us find the Olpsa.
Herisia: When are we going to the next floor?
Seri: We got all of our magic spells, healing stones, and all other supplies.
Wers: Okay then lets go, Reda you stay here.
*The Third floor*
Wers: Could....that be a...Ol..Olp...Olpsa.
Herisia: One thing are the friend or foe.
Seri: There friends like..thats what Wers said and read from that book.
Olpsa: ARRRRAAA! Why have invaded my home you filthy mortals.
Wers: But you were friends with humans right?
Olpsa: No Olpsa have always hated humans, don't make me use my "Darkness Fire" breath on you.
Wers: Darkness Fire breath? If i'm correct but Olpsa could not use.
Olpsa: Darkness Fire Breath *AEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAA*
Herisia: Wers look out.
Wers: Hardly made it. If i was there any secound I would have been ashes.
Trever: We need to use our magic on it.
Olpsa: HAHA your magic does not effect me. Die humans *AEEYYYAAAAAA*
*On the last floor*
Reda: These necklaces are glowing.
Reda: ARHHH what was the noise, I wonder if Wers and the others are safe.
Reda: I have to go to the third floor now.
*Back to the third floor*
Olpsa: You humans defy me *AEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*
Herisia: That was tense.
Seri: You are telling us.
Wers: I cast *Elfire*
Reda: Waiiiit! These necklaces are glowing.
Olpsa: No not those *AERYAAAAAAAAAA*
Wers: Reda Noooooooo
Seri: *Lightning*
Herisia: *Amber*
Trever: *Bloting*
Olpsa: Arrr I..you wont get away with this.
Wers: Thanks for saving me guys. Reda are you alright?
Seri, Herisia, Trever: It's not biggie.
Reda: I'm fine Wers, these necklaces were glowing.
Herisia: The Olpsa is comming back!.
Reda: Were the necklaces.
Wers: Looks like we have no choice were them.
*Seri, Herisia and Trever put on the necklaces on*
Trever: Whoa I feel strange as if, I know spells beyond my level.
Seri: Same with me, What bout' you Herisia?
Seri: He's coming this way.
Olpsa: DIE!!!!!!!!! *AEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*
Trever: Noooooooo Herisia.
Seri: HERSIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Wers: You can make it *Lightning*
Herisa: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *Ruby Blaze*
Olpsa: NO You humans
Olpsa: Arrr you can't control me
Olpsa: Yes I can MUHAHAHAHAH WAHHAHHAHAHA.
Olpsa: You can not AYYYYYYYYYYYY.
Wers: I looks like its being control by someone.
Herisia: How did I do that? Was it that spell.
Olpsa: You can't control me any long.
Olpsa: Thank you for freeing me young one.
Herisia: What how what did I do?
Olpsa: You crushed the demon in my soul.
Wers: Demon?
Olpsa: Yes...It was a long ago a bishop by the name of Varzarr put a purple crystal into "The Retaw"
Wers: The Retaw?
Olpsa: The Retaw is a tasty fruit can even be eaten my humans. Everyone eat the retaw and then all the Olpsa were contol by Varzarr.
Wers: What happend to the humans?
Olpsa: I don't know, I was the last Olpsa to eat the fruit. My name is Quierdl.
Wers: I'm Wers I'm a sage and these are my finest students Herisia, Seri, Trever and Reda.
Reda: Quierdl do you know anything about those necklaces that Trever, Seri and Trever are wearing?
Quierdl: Beats me.
Quierdl: Do you want to help me save the Olpsa?
Wers: We'll help.
END..

Chapter II is coming soon.

Daenerys
02-23-2008, 01:46 PM
I think it would be better, if you're going to stick to script form, to also add actions. Mention what the characters are doing, give them direction.

Capernicus
02-23-2008, 02:11 PM
I think it would be better to ditch the script form altogether.

I could only beat to read the first 20 lines or so. I hate the script form. It makes it so easy to not pay attention to who is saying what, thus losing the traits of each character. Though I did get that Wers, for all his being a scientist, brought some pretty immature students with him on such an important discory. And, he seems to have little to no control over them. Doesn't really make sense.

Ichiro Matsuchani
02-23-2008, 05:51 PM
I give it a B- as a script. If it was a script, it would have at least tell you the actions of the characters in some depth, yet it was completely absent here. Of course, one can pick up on what's going on through the dialogue, but you shouldn't force the reader to do that.

Even scripts have to have descriptions of setting and actions.

ZeianStar
02-24-2008, 04:55 AM
I'll try to improve it.

Hypergraphian
02-24-2008, 05:10 AM
Here's a challenge. Try taking this and turning it into a fantasy story. I think it has some promise. Unfortunately, I'm no fan of conversation based stories either. The other thing you could try is put some art work to it and turn this into a mangga or comic. It could work and you wouldn't need as much description as the pictures will help with that.

ZeianStar
02-24-2008, 05:37 AM
I'm not much of a artist.