View Full Version : Original Fiction: The Hunted

01-04-2008, 02:56 PM
This is just the first draft of a story I am working on so it will have errors and mistakes, I am just lookin for comments on the over all story line so far.
I have made a title yet put down The Hunted just because I had to put down something.

PS. It shows me only having one post but I have been on this forum before under a different, just thought I would say that. Oh and story line is copyrighted so don't try to copy it:)

"I think there for I am, a famous quote by a philosopher whose name and origin escapes me, many a long day I have spent, secluded [/SIZE]
in the darkness of my mind dwelling on the what it means to be human, something I lost long a go when I first felt the warm life giving blood of another human
running through my fingers and watching the light in her eyes go dim. Is it simply enough to think, to be self aware? No, His dark thoughts have begin to
devour my own like a cannibal, he consuming me from the inside and I am becoming no longer"
A tall thin man in a suite wearing gloves and a large brimmed black hat that shadowed his feature stepped out of a large rusted metal door
in the muddy back alleys of San Fransisco. It was a warm night and a large thunder storm had just subsided, dwindling down to a slow drizzle and the first stars started gleam through cracks in the clouds. The man's boots quickly went from a black to mud brown as he turned the corner onto a large main road which At this time of night the only people out where mostly criminals in the middle of some shady deal, or the drunks stumbling home from a near by saloon.
The tall man strode swiftly down the street tell came to a cross road at which he stopped and slowly turned his head staring down the cobbled
road going east, pondering whether or not what he seeks lies at the end. As quickly as the man stopped he started back down the road again,
doubling his speed as if something was right at his heals tracking his every move. He continued on for some time before stopping again this time
in front of a two story building, it was a store that sold imported books from around the world, the top level was a loft where the shop keeper made residence.
The black suited man stood just in front of the door eyes gazing into space lost in another time or place, with out warning he collapsed to his knees
clutching at his neck he spoke. " No not again I can take no more of this madness" A another voice then erupted from the same lips but not the same man, the words were deep and ancient, " You have no right to speak you ceased to exist the day you gave your self to me, and to me you will obey with out
question or hesitation" "You tricked me it was a lie all of it lies" " My dear Core you know nothing of the world or even your own destiny, I did not lie to you
there has just been a slight change of plans, I give you my word that by the end of all this she will be back in your arms again. Now enough of this,
time is of the essence and we can stand to lose no more"

"Goddamn it Derrick this is the third one in this county in under a month, all of them the same a young girl around eighteen with red hair"
"Watch your mouth Deputy, this is no time to lose your cool we are getting close this blood no more then a few hours old, he cant be to far.
Have your men got that list of red headed girls in the area yet"? "Almost they should have it in a day or two, I was also thinking that we might want to"
He was cut off as the door slammed open and a large fat man with a cigar hanging out of his mouth stomped into the room. "Derrick, Deputy what the
**** is going on here, the owner of the book store and his niece were good friends of mine and upstanding people in this city, now there dead
I want the man responsible for this hanging from the gallows" "I can assure you Mr Mayor" Replied the man known as Derrick as he stood up from the macabre
body that was once a man. " We are doing all we can and are not far behind him now" " Mayor as I was about to say before you came in was we are
making a list of all the girls that might be the next victim and I was thinking about placing a guard with each one, so maybe we can this guy before another
girl gets killed" " No you two are to stop all work on this case immediately and report to my office" The Mayor said rolling his cigar around in his mouth before
spitting it out on the floor. "Oh and get this mess cleaned up first, this is the last thing I need with the election coming up" He turned and started down that stairs making the entire building grone with his grossly over wight body. "Well be just right ****ing great aint it, we get so close we can smell that bastard
and the fat piece of **** Mayor cut us off, I would like to test my new ivory handled Colt on his head" " well we better get these body's down to the morgue
and contact what ever family they have left"
After cleaning up the body's and getting down to the morgue the two men started for the Mayor's office, by this time the clouds had mostly cleared
and the sun was climbing towards ten, baking the muddy ground to a hard brick. The Mayor's office was in the court house on the other end of
the city so they discided to ride, Deputy walked up to his horse which was tied up just out side the book store and patted him on the side
of his neck, the beast replied with a snort happy to see its master back. Deputy was very proud of hid horse and for good reason it was a beautiful
creature, solid gray with a white blaze on its muzzle. He won it in a poker game from some rich English men, who said he was a famous
race horse in London and was none to happy about giving him up. Deputy seemed to like that horse more then he liked most people, he always
said "With out a good gun and a loyal horse your not a real man" The two man mounted up and arrived at the large oak wood door in which the other
side sat the Mayor. They stopped at the door before entering and gave each other a look of disgust assuring one another that they were both not looking
forward to this. Derrick entered first, upon opening the door the Mayor looked up from some paper work he was writing, probity trying to raise taxes
so he could fill up his already full pocket book. His office was quite elaborate a large desk was placed right in the center of the room, made of some
exotic wood it was also adorned with a massive marble slab for the top, the rest of the room was filled with paintings and antiques.
"Don't bother sitting down this wont take long" Stated the Mayor with a hint of annoyance in his voice. "I was contacted by the government some time ago
who told me to expect a letter form an origination called the Lost Project, The letter came in yesterday" Pulling the small piece of paper out of his desk
he started to read."Dear Mayor Bracksten,as of reading this letter you are to halt all on going investigations regarding the murder cases, the Lost Project
is taking all investigations over immediately. We have dispatched a Hunter who should be arriving with in a day or two, you will brief him on all known
information and give him your complete cooperation. Also this letter is to be divulged to no one except necessary personnel, if you have any
questions the Hunter will be able to answer them, that is all. "Not very pleasant sounding are they? None the less you will do as this Hunter
says, so unless you have questions for me I think we are done here" "I have question for you Mayor, what are you getting out of letting these people
take over? Because if I am not mistaken you hate it when someone tries to come in from out side your jurisdiction. Rigged election maybe?
"Deputy! thats enough" He cut in sharply. "I suggest you two leave before I have your badges for that little out burst" When they got out
to their horses the two men headed strait for the saloon in need of a stiff drink, The saloon was mostly empty except for a few men that looked
to be drifters. Derrick went up to the bar and ordered a round of whiskey for both of them and told the bar tender to keep'em comin then went and sat down
at one of the many tables in the room. After a few rounds each they discided it was time to get back to work they still have there day's rounds
to do around town and it was already half past noon. Derrick got up to go pay for the drinks but when he tried to give the bar tender what he owed
him he said "See that tall man wearing the black suit sitting over in the corner? I don't know who he is but he pick up your tab" When he looked over at
the man he raised his an empty glass thanking him for the drink, he nodded agnologing the gesture. Derrick turned back to the bar. "Have you ever
seen him in here before?" "He comes in now and then late at night always sits in the same spot, I think he's foreign but I can't tell with that
hat covering his face all the time" Derrick left with Deputy not far behind, off to finish the days work.[/COLOR][/COLOR]

01-04-2008, 03:10 PM
Just to be clear, you can't copyright a storyline.

01-04-2008, 06:18 PM
The pholospher you are talking about is Rene Decartes. Also how do you go about copywriting something. Because I have a few ideas and I don't want to publish them anywhere untill I know they are safe. I intend to write a book and get it published with those ideas...

I can't stand this I tried to read it, but you need to fix that heinous type. Your a decent writer and its interesting thing you've got, but I can't bear to read any-more. You need to fix the way its typed and then make sure you start a new paragraph every time someone says something.

Grammer errors: "going on here, the owner of the book store and his niece were good friends of mine and upstanding people in this city, now there dead "
You need to say either they are or they're. There refers to place, I understand this is probably a typo, but I must point it out as it is confusing.

01-07-2008, 12:06 PM
Yep, I kinda gave up on the font as well. I'm running a black background template and that white is just melting my eyes. Since it is obvious you haven't checked your work as you have said so yourself, I'll not comment on the grammar but instead offer some advice about copyrighting.

Storylines, plotlines and ideas for stories cannot be copyrighted. Otherwise, you wouldn't have 100s of escape from the madman murderer type stories. Copyrighting applies to word-for-word content and to some extent arrangement. I.e. if someone has retold your story in the exact same flow but using different words, it may be considered copyright infringement.

Hope that alleviates your doubts a little.

As for Kiba's question, you might want to take self publishing into consideration. Places like lulu.com offer copyright protection for your work and allows your work to be downloaded by the public (if you don't want it in printed form, however, this is an option they offer too).

01-17-2008, 08:21 PM
... I came in to read this on my sidekick... and its all blank. Is it in white text?

...I'd try to change it, but last time I edited a large fanfic.... it dissapeared..

So like... don't make your stories have funky colors, only normal ones. Hehe.

When I get home ill make a little topic about copyright and things of that nature. I don't have the resources on it right now.