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View Full Version : Final Fantasy Fanfiction: Final Fantasy VII - A Long Struggle (Chapter 1)



Zycolette
12-30-2007, 07:26 PM
As the sun shone brightly over the eastern horizon in a familiar building a beautiful woman with black hair laid gently on the messy bed with her eyes closed. She was in a deep sleep. Over the window next to the bed where purple curtains waved gently back and forth upon what seemed that the window was half open. The bright light of the sun had then shone right in through the window. The woman, now awake, lazily got up with her eyes mostly down. She bore straight black hair and adventurous brown eyes. At the time she wore a somewhat see through white long pajamas, however, it seemed like a long white dress. She then slowly walked to other side of the room and entered a door leading to the bathroom. Brushing noises as well as some flushing noises were able to be heard. Moments later she burst out, not looking much different except her hair being more straightened than usual. The woman then quickly slid off the seemingly white dress and quickly put herself in the original black dress she usually wore and hastily put on some shoes and ran down the stairs.
The room she had later run into was both noiseless and motionless. Everything had been left clean and several tables had several chairs atop of them. (Assume this is a bar.)
"Hrmmm, I should open right about now." The woman had said with a self-explanatory voice.
The woman had then walked around the many tables lifting the chairs from the tables and settling them to the ground. She then walked over to the entrance and unlocked it. Next she walked back behind the counter with haste.
She then yelled out with a somewhat loud voice to herself over the lifeless restaurant. "Okay! I'm open!"
With a smile spread across her face she faced back to a door from where she had come and ran up the stairs, this time she had done so quietly. She suddenly had stopped in the hall in front of a room. She next turned around and slowly and noiselessly turned to the knob to open the door.
"Marlene?" Asked the woman.

A rough answer then grasped out "Tifa? Hrmm ugghh yeah?" The voice of a child had returned the womans call.
"C'mon Marlene you want breakfast?" the woman had said so with an urging voice.
"Sure.." had said Marlene lazily still laying on her bed with covers over her.
"Come out then!" Tifa then ran to the bed where the little girl had been sleeping. She took her downstairs and forced her to help her with breakfast.
Marlene was a small girl, she wore a small light dress. She bore brown hair and watched over with giggly hazel eyes. The small girl hesitately helped Tifa prepare breakfast. As soon as breakfast was ready...
"Will you call Denzel for me please?" Asked Tifa.
"Haiii (of course)" Said Marlene with a smile spread across her face.
Marlene had rushed up the stairs and stopped at yet another door in the same hallway. She had done the same, she turned the knob and opened the door carefully but quickly.
"Denzeruuu (Denzel)"....
"Marin (Marlene)" responded a young boy's voice.
"Come and get it while it's hot!" Called you Marlene as she ran back downstairs.
On her way she heard the bell of the entrance ring in the distace.
"Tifa..." called out a cold harsh voice of a man.
The man wore a haggard red cape which was torn to shreds at the end. He also wore long black pants that were sorta loose, he wore metallic pointed shoes. He bore wild long hair that was near a peculiar red headband. In one hand he wore a long metallic glove wit spiked finger tips while in the other he simply wore a long black glove that covered his whole arm.
Tifa, with a smile across her face had then responded to his call. "Hey there Vincent. What can I do for you?"
"Talk.." His harsh voice responded....
Upon hearing this Tifa's smile had worn off.
"What happened?" Tifa had responded with worry vibing(sp?) in her voice.
"Cloud, he's missing-"
"Where to?" Tifa had interruped.
"That I do not know...."
Vincent's head had been lowered the whole time, then suddenly his head lifted up to reveal cold red eyes as empty as a cold winter's night. A frown on his face showed nothing. In effect Tifa's eyes had widened.
"Have you called him?" the woman asked.
The other man stared at her blankly. He sat by the counter just staring at Tifa for a few seconds.
"Ouh, right. No phone" Tifa blurted out as if to break the silence.
The man kept silence as the woman turned to the phone.
As this was happening Marlene had been listening by the door at the mouth of the stairs. She had a small frown forming across her face.

On the other side of the room

A clunk was heard from the phone that was hung up by Tifa..
"He won't-"
"Tifa?" The small girl from the other side of the room interruped.
"What happened?" Upon hearing this Vincents gaze dwindled quite slowly to the form of the small girl.
"Cloud's gone missing." He said quite bluntly.
By this time, Tifa's resentment had shown.
"He'll be back, right"?
"We aren't sure." Responded a deep voice.
"Marle-" Tifa had tried to blurt before Marlene ran up the stairs, then a slamming door noise could be heard throughout the whole building.
As Tifa had take a step to Marlene's room Vincent had interjected.
"Leave her be" Tifa had froze as soon as she heard these words and decided to stay. It was pretty obvious that she was quite nervous at this point in time.She had at last tried to foce a smile.
"Soo...Vincent can I get you anything?"
"I'd like a soda."

[[NOTE: Most chapters will be short. This is due to a lack of time and thought about this story. I hope you enjoy ^^]]

CrimsonMoon
01-11-2008, 09:12 PM
I think the order of some sentences is weird. It's not wrong to do that but it makes your story dull. Also you need to work on your spellings. You can use Microsoft Word to check errors. 'Hesitately', I assume you want to say 'hesitantly' instead. I won't point the others out. Subject matter's still vague so I can't say that I enjoy this story yet. I hope you'll make an interesting one. Good luck!

Hypergraphian
01-17-2008, 11:30 PM
I'm feeling wordy and will do what I can to provide some useful feedback. As usual, will start with the technical advice.


As the sun shone brightly over the eastern horizon in a familiar building a beautiful woman with black hair laid gently on the messy bed with her eyes closed. She was in a deep sleep. Over the window next to the bed where purple curtains waved gently back and forth upon what seemed that the window was half open.

I am fond of making the same mistakes that you have done here, an overuse of passive voice sentencing. Its a hard habit to kick but remind yourself to be careful everytime you use adjectives ending with the -ly. The number of them in this sentence has rather numbed the effect you were trying to give readers. Try something like this.

"The blinding sun shone into a building where a beautiful woman laid on a messy bed - eyes closed in deep gentle sleep." Over here, I removed "over the eastern horizon", "familiar" and "black hair". I tend to remove character description in fanfictions because its fanfiction, people know what Tifa looks like.

Here's another bad habit to kick. Over description. "Over the window next to the bed..." is "next to the bed" really necessary over here? You've already mentioned that in your first line. We have in our own minds an imagination of a bedroom and we can fairly place where the windows will be.


The bright light of the sun had then shone right in through the window. The woman, now awake, lazily got up with her eyes mostly down.

I'm sorry but a little sarcasm here might help you remember to not over describe, being a little cruel so I'll apologize first before giving you this remark. Seriously though, we already know the sun was shining brightly through the window. It was mentioned.

Secondly, you're making another mistake I used to make as well. i'll give you the wake up and brush my teeth example.

"I got out from bed and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth, now that I was wide awake anyway."

Do you see what I'm getting at? Its thought arrangement. Here's how it should be. "Wide awake, I got out of bed and headed to the bathroom to give those whitey's a clean-up." Ok, so I modified abit. But basically, my meaning is to get A-B-C. You can go C-B-A if you'd like but if you go A-D-C-B, the reader gets bored. If you structure your sentences in this manner, its the same as telling the reader, "I forgot, go back and include this into your imagination as well."


She bore straight black hair and adventurous brown eyes.

I'm making this comment based on the earlier paragraph where you've already highlighted her black hair. Don't do it again.


At the time she wore a somewhat see through white long pajamas, however, it seemed like a long white dress.

You had another "seemed" case in the earlier para. My question to you is, is it a long white dress or not? Why does it seem like a long white dress? I think what you meant to say was she was wearing a see through white nightgown. Don't use "seem" cause it will seem like you're seemingly seeing something else and you're telling your readers to seemingly assume their seeing what they seem to see. See how confusing this can get?


She then slowly walked to other side of the room and entered a door leading to the bathroom. Brushing noises as well as some flushing noises were able to be heard. Moments later she burst out, not looking much different except her hair being more straightened than usual. The woman then quickly slid off the seemingly white dress and quickly put herself in the original black dress she usually wore and hastily put on some shoes and ran down the stairs.

Again, seemingly. Cut the bad habit of using sentences that start with "She then," or "And then,". Get straight to the point and state, "She walked slowly". I'd also cut the use of original here for the same reason stated earlier. Even if its not for fanfiction purposes, original black dress isn't exactly an appropriate descriptor.


The room she had later run into was both noiseless and motionless. Everything had been left clean and several tables had several chairs atop of them. (Assume this is a bar.)

There are similar errors in this part as I have pointed out above but what I've highlighted here.... tsk tsk tsk. Again apologies on the strict tone that I will use. Your "assume this is a bar" to me = "assume I'm too lazy to describe". As a reader, I'd be blunt and tell you, assume you've wasted my time. In short, don't ever do something like this. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a put off this is.


"Hrmmm, I should open right about now." The woman had said with a self-explanatory voice.
The woman had then walked around the many tables lifting the chairs from the tables and settling them to the ground. She then walked over to the entrance and unlocked it. Next she walked back behind the counter with haste.
She then yelled out with a somewhat loud voice to herself over the lifeless restaurant. "Okay! I'm open!"
With a smile spread across her face she faced back to a door from where she had come and ran up the stairs, this time she had done so quietly. She suddenly had stopped in the hall in front of a room. She next turned around and slowly and noiselessly turned to the knob to open the door.
"Marlene?" Asked the woman.

A rough answer then grasped out "Tifa? Hrmm ugghh yeah?" The voice of a child had returned the womans call.
"C'mon Marlene you want breakfast?" the woman had said so with an urging voice.
"Sure.." had said Marlene lazily still laying on her bed with covers over her.
"Come out then!" Tifa then ran to the bed where the little girl had been sleeping. She took her downstairs and forced her to help her with breakfast.
Marlene was a small girl, she wore a small light dress. She bore brown hair and watched over with giggly hazel eyes. The small girl hesitately helped Tifa prepare breakfast. As soon as breakfast was ready...
"Will you call Denzel for me please?" Asked Tifa.
"Haiii (of course)" Said Marlene with a smile spread across her face.
Marlene had rushed up the stairs and stopped at yet another door in the same hallway. She had done the same, she turned the knob and opened the door carefully but quickly.
"Denzeruuu (Denzel)"....
"Marin (Marlene)" responded a young boy's voice.
"Come and get it while it's hot!" Called you Marlene as she ran back downstairs.
On her way she heard the bell of the entrance ring in the distace.
"Tifa..." called out a cold harsh voice of a man.
The man wore a haggard red cape which was torn to shreds at the end. He also wore long black pants that were sorta loose, he wore metallic pointed shoes. He bore wild long hair that was near a peculiar red headband. In one hand he wore a long metallic glove wit spiked finger tips while in the other he simply wore a long black glove that covered his whole arm.
Tifa, with a smile across her face had then responded to his call. "Hey there Vincent. What can I do for you?"
"Talk.." His harsh voice responded....
Upon hearing this Tifa's smile had worn off.
"What happened?" Tifa had responded with worry vibing(sp?) in her voice.
"Cloud, he's missing-"
"Where to?" Tifa had interruped.
"That I do not know...."
Vincent's head had been lowered the whole time, then suddenly his head lifted up to reveal cold red eyes as empty as a cold winter's night. A frown on his face showed nothing. In effect Tifa's eyes had widened.
"Have you called him?" the woman asked.
The other man stared at her blankly. He sat by the counter just staring at Tifa for a few seconds.
"Ouh, right. No phone" Tifa blurted out as if to break the silence.
The man kept silence as the woman turned to the phone.
As this was happening Marlene had been listening by the door at the mouth of the stairs. She had a small frown forming across her face.

On the other side of the room

A clunk was heard from the phone that was hung up by Tifa..
"He won't-"
"Tifa?" The small girl from the other side of the room interruped.
"What happened?" Upon hearing this Vincents gaze dwindled quite slowly to the form of the small girl.
"Cloud's gone missing." He said quite bluntly.
By this time, Tifa's resentment had shown.
"He'll be back, right"?
"We aren't sure." Responded a deep voice.
"Marle-" Tifa had tried to blurt before Marlene ran up the stairs, then a slamming door noise could be heard throughout the whole building.
As Tifa had take a step to Marlene's room Vincent had interjected.
"Leave her be" Tifa had froze as soon as she heard these words and decided to stay. It was pretty obvious that she was quite nervous at this point in time.She had at last tried to foce a smile.
"Soo...Vincent can I get you anything?"
"I'd like a soda."

[[NOTE: Most chapters will be short. This is due to a lack of time and thought about this story. I hope you enjoy ^^]]

I've skipped till the end. Hokay, now for the general pointers. First of all, as described by your final note, I agree with you that you lacked time and thought. This isn't acceptable. Please do not write something, which you did not put thought into. It is disrespectful to people who will read and find this an utter waste of their time.

As a writer do you not write for the purpose of moving people, for their thrills and enjoyment? Take my harsh words as inspiration. Prove me wrong by posting an excellent piece. Correct the mistakes, rewrite the story and think! I'd be most delighted to help you edit a repost of this version if you need further help. But not unless you put a little more heart into your work.

Good luck.