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View Full Version : Outlaw Star Fanfiction: Unfinished...needs help



gene the man
12-21-2007, 02:40 PM
The story of Gene and his friends. ~_^ enjoy
Gene Starwind slid a lightly tinted glass pane upward, his eyes trailing it
into the sky. He gazed sorrowfully at the black expanse, dusted with
gleaming points of light, with a blackened heart full of pain and souvenirs
of lost days, memories that haunted him, specters of the past. His mind
was filled with guilt that bit down on him savagely and ripped him apart.
His heart sank into his chest, like hot lead on butter. "It's your fault...",
his mind whispered softly into his heart. His father got into a grappler fight
with pirate ships and he couldn't win. He had put Gene into the escape pod
and ejected him and he had died inthe explosion of the ship. Gene had
never really thought of his mother much because she had left him at the
age of one and had left Gene's dad to care for him all alone.

"Hey Gene! What are you doing?" Said Jim, the innocent looking 12 year said.

"I am looking at the stars Jim, What do you want?" Gene had replied.

"Well we have yet to pay for all the damage repairs on the ship that
you caused when you got into that fight with those pirates. We don't
have any money and we are in debt up to our eyeballs. You had better
find a job and get some money to pay for the ship or do you think that
it is better for us to sell it to pay for our debts and live off of
that for awhile?" Jim had stated in a mature manner.

"Jim you know that I can't sell this ship. It is the only thing that I
have left of Hilda and I ain't going to let anyone take it from me.
Plus Melfina goes with the ship Jim, you know that."

"Yeah I know but if you don't hurry up and do something then you might
as well think about doing something that you really don't want to do."
Jim had replied in a way that made him seem ashamed of himself.

"Alright, alright Jim don't be so angry you know that we will hit it
big eventually and when that happens we will be able to live happily
for ever." said Gene in his own little demeaning way.

Melfina had walked in on Jim and Gene bickering over which jobs that
they should consider taking. Gene had eyeballed the beautiful slender,
blued eyed lady who wasn't human but also wasn't machine. Melfina was
found in a box with the greatest ship ever built in the universe and
it somehow ended up in Gene's care. She was the most advanced cyborg
ever made it was almost impossible to tell that she wasn't human.

"Would you like some coffee, Jim?" asked Melfina politely.

"Uhhh.. Yes please Melfina. Coffee would hit the spot right now." Jim
Smiled as Melfina walked into the kitchen to get him some coffee.

"Well Gene, what do you think of this job" asked Jim as he pointed to
a reply to their ad on the internet.

"That is chump change Jim, don't we have any other offers" said Gene sleepily.

"Get up Gene! You know that even these low paying jobs are needed for
us to get by" stated Jim angrily.

"Psshaw Jim someone somewhere has to have something that they need
desperately enough to pay big money for to get done. All we have to do
is wait until then."

Melfina had walked back into the room with the coffee that Jim had
wanted and walked up the stairs to talk to Gene. She was wearing a
long blue shirt and black pants. Her big blue eyes had dazzled in the
light as she was walking. She had medium length black hair and she
always wore the same outfit seeing as how she was a cyborg it just had
to do.

"Hey Gene have you figured anything out about my past yet" asked
Melfina who was full of hope.

"Well," said Gene not really wanting to "I still haven't found out
anything as to the whereabouts of your beginning yet but I promise you
Melfina that I will and you will get you answers as soon as I can find
them for you"

"Thanks Gene," said Melfina as she hugged Gene "I believe that you
will do your best at finding the truth about my existence"

Gene blushed slightly but still long enough for Jim to see and Jim
just frowned at the sight of Gene hugging Melfina as Gene was a major
fondler. Gene had thought about grabbing her butt but decided against
it since it was not yet the moment to do such things.

"Hey Jim," said Gene "Do we have any idea on where to go to get some
good paying jobs"

"No not yet Gene." replied Jim.

"Man, if this keeps up then we'll be out of business in a month!" said Jim.

"Don't worry, someone will call and offer us a good job, and then
we'll make it big!" replied Gene.

"You always say that!" said Jim "You never focus on the big picture!"

"The big picture is for us to get money Jim." said Gene.

"Well you never take any of the jobs that pay money just because the
money isn't high enough. We need as much money as we can get and even
chump change can help us get by." said Jim angrily as he stormed off
to his compartment in the ship.

"Why do you two always fight Gene" asked Melfina.

Gene just looked up at the stars for a few moments and then went to
sleep. Jim was still in his room angry mumbling to himself the
stupidity of Gene when Melfina knocked at the door.

"What is it Melfina" Jim asked.

"Why do you and Gene always fight about everything" asked Melfina.

"It is because Gene is a moron and he doesn't know anything" said Jim
steadfastly.

Jim left the room with Melfina to see what jobs they could find to do
to get some money. They went to the computer to see if their ads had
gained any customers worth looking at. They found one answer that they
thought was pretty interesting. The job was paying 2,000,000 wong. How
could Jim and Melfina pass up such a job? So they went upstairs to
wake up Gene and tell him about the job. They got upstairs and Gene
was snoring away.

"Gene. Gene. GENE! WAKE UP GENE!" yelled Jim.

"What is it?" asked Gene sleepily.

Hypergraphian
01-02-2008, 02:21 AM
I have a question... your post title states that you need help. Any particular area you're referring to or were you looking for comments on the technical aspects?

omniking3
01-02-2008, 08:53 AM
Heya! I happen to be a fanfc critic (on a different forum, I was banned for abusing shoutbox). Anyways, I would say that it's a bit too blocky at first. Maybe you could rewrite it as so:

Gene Starwind slid a lightly tinted glass pane upward, his eyes trailing it into the sky. He gazed sorrowfully at the black expanse, dusted with gleaming points of light, with a blackened heart full of pain and souvenirs of lost days, memories that haunted him, specters of the past. His mind was filled with guilt that bit down on him savagely and ripped him apart. His heart sank into his chest, like hot lead on butter. "It's your fault...", his mind whispered softly into his heart.

Daenerys
01-03-2008, 01:16 AM
I think using the enter button would help you a lot.

A LOT.