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Asufa
12-21-2007, 09:45 AM
If someone doesn't agree with my correction, please let me know.


Birth - Corrections


Let's search for the pieces of courage
That we lost someday, right now


Though there was nothing to hurry up
What can I do, I love to panic
When I'm just on the edge of the cliff
I'm the type that always find my way


My dreams are crying
On the wall of concrete called reality
'Can't move and can't shine, and
Out of nowhere I'm just surrounded by them


If you can overcome anything at once, okay,
Don't be ashamed to throw much of this proud away
Until when the feeling that we seek is revived
Ichido ZERO ni modosou

Lately, I've been thinking for a while

About the "perfectionism" published on slongans
Though that sort of policy is also necessary
Surely there are more important things


Fooling around isn't something really wrong at all,
Through away the habit of working too hard
It was said "don't lose yourself"
Ichido ZERO ni modosou


In the moment I found a teeny courage,
My dreams came back to life brilliantly


What's it that we were eager to get by all means?
Let's throw away such a past that we can't recall
The feeling that returned to zero will
Fill up our whole self with love
Until the day we'll be grown up

It's hard to know which is the personal pronouns. I'm asking for help.

* This song was first translated using another account that was mine, already gone. I used both of them.

AzureDark
12-22-2007, 01:49 AM
Asufa~ can you tell me which of those accounts are yours? I'll merge them.

'doushou mo nai' to me is an expression that means "hopeless" or something like that.

'ichido ZERO ni modosou' is perhaps "For once, I will return to zero" because the English expression "at once" means "immediately", not "one time".

I don't know why you put 'ii kagen' as "fooling around", but due to the nature of that word I have no real alternatives either.

"Don't lose yourself" is probably an advice by someone for the singer to "go back to zero". You're probably right in changing it though, because it's 'dare' not 'dareka' if I was being literal.

Asufa
12-22-2007, 06:20 AM
Thank you


itsu no ma ni ka kakogare sugite
Out of nowhere I'm just surrounded by them

I can't get it.


"iikagen de" means "to live at random, for no reason, with no responsibility". But a native speaker said to me the meaning of it some time ago as "Living indiferently", as I first input before, but it also suits. Anyway which of them sounds more fluent?

Sincerely, I can't find a another meaning for "tameni", alreadly "for", but that, and it is so odd. I'd like to know a more accurate connotation, and it probably exists.

"ichido zero ni modosou"
Yeah, I think that it is whether "I'll return to zero at once, right away" as you said before, or the plural subject "We'll return to zero at once..." or by far "let's return to zero at once".

But I didn't get what you said about it, this advice... It looks like it I'm sorry, I'm kinda out of the meaning. Maybe "Go back to zero for you not to lose yourself (again, this time)?" But whatever... what does it mean?

"doushou mo nai" sounds like "I'm hopeless but".
I have problems with the subject, maybe they change one with another as the song goes on, the first singular or plural.

"shunhatsu ryoku de norikiru no ga tokui nara sore de ii
hazukashi ga razu yokei na PURAIDO throw away"
"If you can overcome anything at once, okay,
Don't be ashamed to throw much of this proud away"

Really, what does it mean altogether?

"kanpekishugi"
Could it be "the perfect person" instead of "perfectionism"?

HIITOAPPU shisouna ENJIN sukoshi yasumasete shin kikyuu shitara... sou da KANSHA shite warattemi you
If I suspend that heated-up engine a little And take a deep breath... that's it
Let's be thankful and try to laugh

Does it sounds correct? I don't know what let's would be the case or simply "I'll try to be thankful and laugh"

The english words that they sing in the middle or ending of the songs is hard to translate with the japanese together, making a strange meaning, or and such an on purpose ambiguous meaning.

ZERO ni modotte kimochi jibun no subete ni ai o sosogou ookiku sodatsu hi made
The feeling that returned to zero will Pour love into my whole self
Until the day I grow up greatly


Well, I have another translation, I found it right.

I'll be filling all my feelings that returns to zero with love
Until the day I'll be grown up.

My previous account was Virgilio ([email protected]) if you want a confirmation, e-mail me and I'll answer you back for you to be sure.

AzureDark
12-22-2007, 10:25 AM
>Out of nowhere I'm just surrounded by them
I know you aren't a native of English which means you will have problems with English expression. "Out of nowhere" is an expression meaning "suddenly" which is the correct meaning of 'itsu no ma ni'. The "just" is probably another way of expressing something that is overwhelming, which attemps to give the meaning of the excess verb '-sugite'.

That is exactly the problem with 'ii kagen', it has both the faces of "behaved" and "misbehaving", so we must infer its meaning from the next line, 'ganbarisugiru'. This to me means pushing the limit, so now the meaning should be to "live irresponsibly/ without order".

I'm afraid it's exactly what it is; 'tame ni' is "for" in that line. I don't find it odd, and especially when you consider the meaning of the line, which sounds like advice.

Also, if we look at the first lines of the song, this is about "us" (or rather "you" in an encouragement sort of way), so this must be made consistent.

What I meant by changing the "at once" is that it does not literally mean "one more time" in English. "At once" means "as soon as possible" or "in an instant" which does not mean 'ichido'.

So now, 'dare ga itteta "jibun wo nakusanai tame ni", ichido ZERO ni modosou' means: "For once, let's return back to zero, "so that we don't lose ourselves" like what we had been told"

'kanpekishugi' is "perfectionism", since '-shugi' is "-ism".

Again, now that we know this song is about "us", the usage of "let's" is correct.

You are putting 'modotte' forward, linking it with the feelings, but it should only be "back to zero".
Let's go back to zero and shower all of our feelings with love
Until they grow up
depicting one's own feelings like plants that need to grow and love with water.

I'm suddenly busy the past few days but I'll be changing the contribution info as soon as the submission queue is done which is nearly finished.

Asufa
12-22-2007, 06:28 PM
Thanks for translating the lyrics, I can only speak it barely as a native.

I'd never translate the last stanzas as you did, what I did was very odd, all wrong.

Some stanzas that we know whose subject is already "we" simply doesn't suit, sometimes it looks like "you" or "I".

Though there was nothing to hurry up
What can we do, we love to panic
When we are just on the edge of the cliff
We're the type that always find the way

Suddenly we are too surrounded by them
"too surrounded"?

Is the the personal subject "we"?

motomeru KANJI yomigaeru sono toki made
Until when the feeling that we seek is revived
Let's return to zero once again

KANJI can be feelings?

shunhatsu ryoku de
If we can overcome anything all at once,

Maybe: If we can overcome anything rapid or in a snapshot?

sorya PORISHII mo hitsuyou dakedo
kitto motto taisetsuna mono ga arunda

That sort of policy is necessary too
But we surely have more important things

I can't understand what it means not literally.

If we suspend that heated-up engine a little
And take a deep breath, that's it
Let's be thankful, trying to laugh


Are all the lyrics translated or there are more mistakes? I'm sorry.

AzureDark
12-22-2007, 11:41 PM
Actually, we would think that the subject in this song is "we" as many of the lines end in the verb -ou form. But after reading all of what I could, this looks like an encouragement song, where some of the lines have the subject as "you".

I think you need to rewrite all of this under the 2nd person, rather than over-deliberating on words that were already correct (often happens after you translate, it's a phenomenon I'm yet to give a name to), and don't be sad, because I believe you've got most of them right, except about the song's subject, which is a problem for many people including you and me because that's how the Japanese language works.

Asufa
12-23-2007, 12:53 PM
Birth - Corrections

Let's search for the pieces of courage
That we lost someday, right now

Though there was no reason to hurry up
What can we do, we love to panic
When we are just on the edge of the cliff
We're the type that will always find the way

Our dreams are crying
On the wall of concrete called reality
'Can't move and can't shine, and
Suddenly we are too surrounded by them

If you can overcome anything all at once, okay,
Don't be ashamed to throw much of this proud away
Until when you revive the feeling that you seek
Let's return to zero once again

Lately, I've been thinking for a while
About the "perfectionism" published on slongans
That sort of policy is necessary too, but
We surely have more important matters

If we suspend that heated-up engine a little
And take a deep breath, that's it
Let's be thankful, trying to laugh

Living irresponsibily isn't really wrong at all,
Through away the habit of working too hard
They said that: Return back to zero for once,
So that you don't lose yourself

In the moment I found a teeny courage,
My dreams came back to life brilliantly

What was the thing that you were eager to get by all means?
Just throw away such a past that you can't recall
Go back to zero and shower all of your feelings
With love until they grow up

I insert "just" because it looks so harsh, but maybe it's wrong.

The words in white are those that I was in doubt. Even reading everything, it sounds senseless.

AzureDark
12-24-2007, 02:04 PM
>Don't be ashamed to throw much of this proud away
That's nearly perfect, but you left out 'yokei' in addition to mistyping the noun
Don't be ashamed to throw away your needless pride

>Until when you revive the feeling that you seek
Is it "the feeling that you seek" or "the seeking feeling"? I know why you are in doubt. Honestly I myself am not too sure. Any rightful, grammar-master person will tell you "'motomeru' is possessed by 'KANJI'" hence the former, but to me it's pretty natural that '____ kanji' is a sort-of compound noun which means "feeling ____". You may be right anyway, I'll leave it like that.


>Let's be thankful, trying to laugh
It sounds rigid. 'warau' can also be "smile", I often use "smile" because to use "laugh" in a formal translation can be unsuitable at times.
Let's be thankful, and make a smile
in the sense that "to make a smile" has a much softer effect than "to smile" to allocate 'miyou'.

>Living irresponsibily isn't really wrong at all,
>Through away the habit of working too hard
>They said that: Return back to zero for once,
>So that you don't lose yourself
Restructuring needed here...
To be docile is never a bad way to live
So throw away that habit of pushing yourself too much
I just realised that I myself brought up the "behaving or not" argument, and I foolishly inferred it from 'ganbarisugiru' when in actual fact the second line is against it, so now 'ii kagen' means like what it usually means when people say 'ii kagen in shinasai', to behave. My apologies.

Let's return to zero once again
"So that you don't lose yourself" as they say
Just a rearranging to make the flow nicer.

>In the moment I found a teeny courage,
>My dreams came back to life brilliantly
You were put off by 'fukikaesu' ending in plain form and hence the subject is "I";, but the one breathing here is the dreams, not "me".
The moment you find a teeny courage,
Even your dreams would come back to life brilliantly

That should be adequate, but we're still open for anyone else to comment on. I'll wait for awhile, then you can edit whatever else that needs editing on a final post and I'll correct them on the site.

Asufa
12-25-2007, 04:00 PM
Review

>Don't be ashamed to throw away your needless pride
Agree

>Let's be thankful, and make a smile
Agree

>To be docile is never a bad way to live
Odd. I still prefer behave/misbehave.
I don't think docile would suit here.
They together sounds like "Take it easy".

>The moment you find a teeny courage,
>Even your dreams would come back to life brilliantly
Why you say 'would'?

>Let's return to zero once again
>"So that you don't lose yourself" as they say
Agree


Doubts:

too surrounded by them
all at once


Are they correct, but unnecessary?
Or mistranslated?

AzureDark
12-25-2007, 05:42 PM
>I don't think docile would suit here.
Of course. "Docile" is 'sunao', and sometimes I have a lack of vocabulary as well. You can go with "behaved" then.

>Why you say 'would'?
I previously typed "could", but seeming that it's 'fukikaesu' not 'fukikesareru' (plain not potential), it gives a degree of certainty. Anyway, if you think this is too literal you are free to change it. Such is the wonders of poetic justice.

The rest I can't really give an opinion about it, you've done as much as you could.

Asufa
12-26-2007, 05:19 AM
Birth - Corrections
(If you need corrections, okay)

Let's search for the pieces of courage
That we lost someday, right now

Though there was no reason to hurry up
What can we do, we love to panic
When we are just on the edge of the cliff
We're the type that will always find the way

Our dreams are crying
On the wall of concrete called reality
'Can't move and can't shine, and
Suddenly we are too surrounded by them

If you can overcome anything immediately, okay,
Don't be ashamed to throw away your needless pride
Until when we revive the feeling that we seek
Let's return to zero once again

Lately, I've been thinking for a while
About the "perfectionism" published on slongans
That sort of policy is necessary too, but
We surely have more important matters

If we suspend that heated-up engine a little
And take a deep breath, that's it
Let's be thankful, and make a smile

Living irresponsibily isn't really wrong at all,
So throw away that habit of pushing yourself too much
Let's return to zero once again
"So that you don't lose yourself" as they say

The moment you found a teeny courage,
Even your dreams will/would come back to life brilliantly

What was the thing that you were eager to get by all means?
Just throw away such a past that you can't recall
Go back to zero and shower all of your feelings
With love until they grow up

---------