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CelestialAkina
09-24-2007, 02:43 AM
Hey guys ^_^ Well I'm pretty new to the forums, but this is my Fruits Basket fan fiction! It did pretty well on fanfic.net so I figured I would post it on here and see what you guys think :]

I finished it a while ago so I'm hoping my writing has improved since then, and I am now working on some Original Stories so I'll let you guys know when thats ready to post too ^_^

Please post! I'd love to hear your feedback. Chritisism is okay, but I'm not going to change the story as it was done and dusted a long time ago with a very very good proof reader to help me out, so I don't need any plot ideas or character chritisism, but writing help would be great :D

Well, here's the first chapter! Please enjoy :laugh:

P.S.

Length: 12 chapters
Status: Complete
Main Characters: YukixOC

and can I just say, I wrote this fic before i adopted Akina as my own pen name, so please don't think I'm another fangirl.

I actually don't like Yuki anymore haha!

xox

CelestialAkina
09-24-2007, 02:47 AM
Akina Saito


“Hey Kyo Kyo stop kissing your girlfriend in the halls,” called a boy from Tohru’s class as he passed.

“Don’t call me that! And I wasn’t – we weren’t – I – SHUT UP!” yelled Kyo to the boy, just as the bell sounded for the end of school.

“Oh Kyo, I wish you wouldn’t yell like that, he was only teasing,” said Tohru softly, brushing Kyo’s hair from his eyes. He sighed and felt instantly relaxed, but tensed again as he saw Momiji and Haru approaching.

“Tohru!” cried Momiji as he skipped towards her. “Did you have a good day at school? Where were you at lunch? I was looking for you. Haru and I were just heading over to your house, now we can all walk together!” Tohru laughed and nodded.

“That sounds fun, I just need to get my things… but where’s Yuki?” They all looked around expecting to see him emerge at any moment.

“Ah who cares about that damn rat anyway? Let’s go,” Kyo grabbed Tohru by the hand and dragged her down the corridor.

“Oh but Kyo, what about my books and things? I left them in the classroom.”

“Oh, right, well… Wait here I’ll go get them.” Kyo marched over to room 3B but bumped into Yuki on his way in. “Hey you dumb rat watch where you’re going!”

“I believe it was you who bumped into me, stupid cat,” replied Yuki.

“WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?” yelled Kyo, but when he saw Tohru’s look of concern, he groaned and shoved past Yuki, into the classroom. There was a loud crashing noise, followed by Kyo emerging with a small pile of books and a cat shaped pencil case. “Come on lets go, and he marched off, Tohru made to follow, but stopped for a second.

“Come on guys we better go before Kyo breaks some thing else…” Momiji skipped over to Tohru, but Haru and Yuki stayed still.

“I’m sorry Miss. Honda but I have a student council meeting, I will be home later tonight,” said Yuki with a small sigh.

“Yeah and I better hang back a while, the teacher said some thing about detention or some crap,”

“Oh, well I’ll be sure to save the both of you some dinner okay?” Tohru beamed before taking Momiji’s hand and running after Kyo, who was half way to the school gate by now, kicking things angrily as he went.

“Well I better go find out where that detention thing is. When does your meeting start?” asked Haru, leaning idly against the wall.

“Oh, I think I’m a bit late, I better get going too,” said Yuki, pushing away from the wall.

“I’m sure they won’t get far without their new student council president,” Haru smirked.

“Shut up,” Yuki glared at him, but then smiled. Haru followed Yuki to room 1A, “Haru, isn’t there some where you’re suppose to be?”

“Oh right, yeah, ja na.” Haru wandered away and Yuki entered the room to find it full of eager council members, who applauded when he entered. Yuki blushed and walked over to the podium. The girl who had been standing there nodded at him and took her seat. Every pair of eyes turned to Yuki as he began his speech.

“As the student council president for this year, I would just like to say that I am very pleased to be accepted into this position. I promise to work hard and make sure everyone’s opinion is heard. I will do all in my power to keep this school running as it should, and I will do my best to make this year even better than the last.” Yuki smiled weakly and bowed his head; “Thankyou.” The new school council broke into an enthusiastic applause as he resumed his seating position.

“You were great,” whispered the girl next to him.

“Thankyou,” he replied, although he could still feel the butterflies in the pit of his stomach. He then picked up a pile of papers from his desk and began passing them around the table. “This is the meeting time table for the next semester. As you can see, the first meeting is this Friday; I look forward to seeing you all there.” A quiet chatter began and Chairs and tables clattered; the meeting was over, and it was time to go home. Yuki left his seat and gathered his books from the table by the window. He placed them carefully in his bag, but was interrupted by a small cough from behind him. He turned to see the girl he had been sitting with during the meeting. She stood looking rather sheepishly at Yuki’s open backpack.

“May I help you Miss Saito?” he asked kindly. Her eyes darted from his bag to his eyes and back again.

“I’m really sorry Yuki but I think you have my English text book,” she said, scratching her head awkwardly. Yuki smiled and pulled a book from his backpack.

“Could this be it?” he asked. “I’ve been wondering how I ended up having two; here,” he held out the book. Miss Saito moved forward to take it but tripped on a chair leg and fell strait into Yuki. For one second, she clung to him, trying to balance herself, but before she knew what has happening, a puff of smoke appeared and Yuki was no-where to be seen.

“Y-Yuki?” she whispered. “Yuki? Where are you?” Miss Saito flicked her head frantically from side to side. There’s no way he could have disappeared that fast… is there? That was when she spotted the pile of clothes lying on the floor, and in amongst them was…“AHHHH! A RAT!” Miss Saito jumped to her feet and began frantically stomping on the scattered uniform. “DIE! DIE! DIE!” she cried, but then something happened that made her stop dead in her tracks. The rat spoke.

“Miss Saito! Stop! It’s me, Yuki,” the small rodent emerged from one of the trouser legs and watched his school friend sway on the spot, before falling forwards and landing with a loud thump on the floor, inches away from where he stood. That was close, he thought to himself, as he scrambled over the pile of clothes and over to Miss Saito. She was out cold, and it looked like she wasn’t going to be waking up for a while. This gave Yuki the perfect chance to come up with an excuse for what had happened. I was playing a prank on her? No, she hit her head as she fell? Hm… maybe that could work…Yuki suddenly disappeared into another cloud of smoke as he became human again. He was half way though pulling on his clothes when the door flew open and in walked Haru. He saw the half naked Yuki and unconscious Miss Saito and his eyes widened.

“Yuki, I’m not even going to ask…” he then turned on his heal and left, closing the door behind him. Yuki breathed a sigh of relief and pulled on his shirt. He then turned to Miss Saito to see what he could do to wake her. He brushed her long dark hair from her face and frowned. It was at that moment that her eyes slowly flickered open. Yuki smiled at her and helped her sit up.

“Miss Saito, are you okay? You fell quite hard; I hope you didn’t hurt yourself.” For a minute, Miss Saito frowned as if trying to remember something, then her eyes widened. She turned to face Yuki with a look of pure horror.

“Y-Yuki what happened?”

“I’m sorry? I don’t think I know what you are talking about.” He tried to make his face look confused, but apparently it didn’t work, as she tried to jump to her feet, but the dizziness caught up with her and she fell flat on the ground again.

“Yes you do. You turned into a rat!” she cried. “I would hardly say that was normal, would you? What are you!?” Miss Saito climbed slowly to her feet, and then backed away towards the wall. Yuki followed her, but she stopped suddenly and he walked strait into her. With another cloud of smoke Yuki disappeared once more.

“I – knew – it,” she squeaked, as she backed into the wall. “You’re a rat…” She slipped slowly down the wall and sat with her head lolling from side to side in a daze. “This isn’t real. I’m dreaming. This is all some freakish dream. I bet I fell asleep in the boring student council meeting –”

“Hey!” said Yuki, his small rat face emerging from the pile. “My meetings aren’t boring; are they?” Miss Saito let out a high-pitched yelp and reached forward, cupping Yuki gently in her hands. She lifted him level with her face and stared blankly into his violet eyes.

“What’s happened to you?” she whispered. Yuki was in shock. He couldn’t tell her about the curse, she’s an outsider, he could lose everything. But then again, he could always erase her memory. Yes, he could tell her everything and then just erase her memory!

“Well, this is rather confusing, but, my family is under a curse. We each turn into a member of the Chinese zodiac when hugged by a member of the opposite sex. We are born this way. I, as I am sure you have noticed, am the rat.” Yuki paused and registered the strange look on Miss Saito’s face. “Miss Saito, are you okay?” she had watched silently, as Yuki told his story, with a strange expression on her face, which was neither fear nor pity; it was almost… understanding.

“Akina,” she whispered.

“Sorry?” asked Yuki.

“Akina, call me Akina. That’s my name.” she repeated quietly. The small rat n nodded and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Akina dropped him on the floor and watched dizzily as the smoke faded; and there stood Yuki – naked?

“Oh my gosh oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I’m not looking I promise,” she cried, jumping to her feet and shielding her eyes.

“Its okay Miss… Akina,” Yuki replied with a nervous smile. “I’m sure you have seen everything anyway…” he added quietly, blushing. Yuki quickly pulled on his uniform and coughed. Akina slowly uncovered her eyes, her face a deep shade of pink. “Really, it’s alright,” said Yuki softly. There was something about Akina that made him smile. She reminded him slightly of Tohru, and the way she had reacted the day she found out about the zodiac curse. Yuki smiled and walked over to the English text book lying forgotten on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to Akina.

“All this for an English text book,” Yuki laughed. Akina smiled weakly and took the book from him.

“I won’t tell anyone, you know. I promise,” she said firmly, looking determinedly at Yuki.

“I know you won’t,” he replied simply. He picked up her back pack and held it open for her to place the text book inside. Akina moved forward and slipped the book gently into her bag. She looked up and stared Yuki strait in the eye. She felt her heart skip a beat, and quickly took her bag from him. She threw it over her shoulder and made for the door, but felt a hand close on her shoulder. She turned, but was shocked at what she saw. Yuki’s eyes were glazed, his face grave and serious. It was quite the opposite of the cheery Yuki she had seen just moments before.

“Akina, do you promise to never tell a soul?” He asked resolutely. She nodded slowly. Yuki breathed a small sigh and removed his hand from her shoulder. “I trust you.”

“Yuki, I… I will never go back on my word.” He smiled weakly and gave a small nod. Akina pulled at her back pack and headed for the door, she paused half way through leaving and looked back at Yuki. He stood motionlessly, watching her leave. He didn’t like this feeling. He wasn’t sure what it was, as he had never felt it before. It must be guilt, for as Akito lay on his death bed, Yuki was possibly putting the whole family secret at risk, but then, at the same time, he felt nothing but complete trust for Miss Saito… But why?



Chapter Two Coming Soon!

Hypergraphian
09-25-2007, 09:49 PM
Since there's no changing the plot line and character profiling, I will stick solely to comments on the writing for now. Once I have read the whole bunch however, I will still say something about the story as a whole since a little constructive advice always helps. So here goes.


“Hey Kyo Kyo stop kissing your girlfriend in the halls,” called a boy from Tohru’s class as he passed.

I wouldn't use the word 'called' here. Calling is when you're shouting for someone to come over, for example. Jeering or 'jeered' or 'taunted' in this case could do well and make a stronger justification for Kyo's irritation.



“Don’t call me that! And I wasn’t – we weren’t – I – SHUT UP!” yelled Kyo to the boy, just as the bell sounded for the end of school.


Again, he wasn't calling or throwing insulting names. A better follow through for the above teasing would have been to begin with "Shut up!" or "WHAT?!". There's harsher words to use but let's not go there in this forum.



“Tohru!” cried Momiji as he skipped towards her. “Did you have a good day at school? Where were you at lunch? I was looking for you. Haru and I were just heading over to your house, now we can all walk together!” Tohru laughed and nodded.


Understand that you were trying to capture Momiji's hyper personality here and yes at times, he doesn't really speak in completely full sentences. But for the section highlighted, I felt that the sequence should have been rearranged to form a slightly more logical flow.

"I was looking for you and now I've found you. Haru and I were just heading over to your house. Now we can all walk together!"

Oh and another reason this has been highlighted and I know you don't really want any comments on the plot but, oh well, I'm assuming Momiji didn't know Haru had detention when he said that they were both going to go home with Tohru.



“Yeah and I better hang back a while, the teacher said some thing about detention or some crap,”


I had to read the top over again to check that this was Haru since he was supposed to go home with Momiji. But I also noticed a comma after "crap". Was there something else missing here?




“Oh right, yeah, ja na.” Haru wandered away and Yuki entered the room to find it full of eager council members, who applauded when he entered. Yuki blushed and walked over to the podium. The girl who had been standing there nodded at him and took her seat. Every pair of eyes turned to Yuki as he began his speech.


This could be a statement based on personal preference but "Every pair of eyes" though grammatically right just doesn't sit too well on my tongue. Maybe "Everyone kept their eyes peeled at Yuki as he began his speech." would've been a better flow.



“This is the meeting time table for the next semester. As you can see, the first meeting is this Friday; I look forward to seeing you all there.” A quiet chatter began and Chairs and tables clattered; the meeting was over, and it was time to go home. Yuki left his seat and gathered his books from the table by the window. He placed them carefully in his bag, but was interrupted by a small cough from behind him. He turned to see the girl he had been sitting with during the meeting. She stood looking rather sheepishly at Yuki’s open backpack.


Eeek, capitals and no need for the comma after over.



“I’m really sorry Yuki but I think you have my English text book,” she said, scratching her head awkwardly. Yuki smiled and pulled a book from his backpack.


I'm not sure if "scratching her head awkwardly" would've been a gesture that a Tohru-like girl would've done. Though when I think about it I suppose I do remember a scene that was similar. But then again, I always see that act as something that isn't shy. If you're shy, you would look away, clasp your hands together tightly or fidget with the hem of your skirt. Something to that extent. Scratching your head is usually done in admission of saying or doing something dumb, like Naruto always does.




“I’m sorry? I don’t think I know what you are talking about.” He tried to make his face look confused, but apparently it didn’t work, as she tried to jump to her feet, but the dizziness caught up with her and she fell flat on the ground again.

“Yes you do. You turned into a rat!” she cried. “I would hardly say that was normal, would you? What are you!?” Miss Saito climbed slowly to her feet, and then backed away towards the wall. Yuki followed her, but she stopped suddenly and he walked strait into her. With another cloud of smoke Yuki disappeared once more.


That bolded part was a little hard to imagine. Did she fall flat on her bum? Falling flat on the floor makes it sound like she fell into a lying down position, which would make it seem as if she fainted again.






“Akina, call me Akina. That’s my name.” she repeated quietly. The small rat n nodded and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Akina dropped him on the floor and watched dizzily as the smoke faded; and there stood Yuki – naked?


Small typo.

Aside from the glitches above, the writing was concise. But a word of caution that you're bordering between doing too much telling and not enough showing.

Am looking forward to your next chapter and I hope for it to be just as good if not better :)

Sonata
09-25-2007, 10:09 PM
Woo, I guess I can keep my comments to a minimum after Hypergraphian's lengthy post. ;)

I too thought the line about "scratching her head awkwardly" was a little unusual, hard to visualize.

My only other thought was that it seemed odd how quickly Yuki thought of erasing someone's memory. In the anime, wasn't he against doing that so casually? Or am I mis-remembering?

Is this fic going to be Yuki/Akina-centric then, or will there be perhaps Tohru/Kyo or some other characters or pairings that are focused on? It's been a while since I saw Fruits Basket, but nice to read a fic about it.

Ichiro Matsuchani
09-26-2007, 05:25 PM
Eeek, Hypergraphian totally owned this thread. .__.; Keep it up.

And...you can't post another Chapter in the same thread as another. I'll go ahead and move the second chapter to a different thread.

CelestialAkina
09-27-2007, 03:40 AM
really? oh okay, sorry I'm not used to this forum just yet XD